New Year’s Resolutions

Having goals is important—both long-term and short-term—because they motivate us to keep moving and to keep improving. I always have goals. Sometimes, I like to make a “Goals List.” When I was 24 years old, I made a Goals List, and somehow I lost that piece of paper. A year later, I found it, and I realized that I accomplished every item on the list—it was a long one! That feeling was so amazing! I felt accomplished!  Throughout that year, I didn’t pressure myself into completing every item that I wrote on the list. But in the back of my mind, my goals were present. They rested in my mind peacefully, and motivated me to achieve them one at a time.

I am one of those people who love New Year’s Resolutions, but I think we need to make these lists more frequently—not just on New Year’s Day—to remind ourselves of our goals. It’s important to revisit the lists to track our progress sometimes. If we haven’t reached a goal yet, we could ask ourselves, “Have I put enough effort into making that happen? What else is missing? What could I have done better? To improve the situation? To get me closer to the goal? Am I taking small, realistic steps towards the goal?” 

Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible. (Tony Robbins) 

If you would like to exercise 5 days a week and keep that goal in the new year, write that down. If you would like to live in a different neighbourhood, a different city, or a different country, write that down on your list. If you would like to travel around Europe or Asia, or around the world, write that down. If you would like to earn a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree, or a PhD, write that down. If you would like to achieve your career goals, write that down. If you would like to set up a non-profit organization, write that down on your list! They may all seem impossible at the moment, but the minute you are willing to write it down, acknowledge it, and look at it, is the minute you are setting your mind to go for it! Some of the big goals may never come true, but some of them may, after 5 years, 10 years, or more. After all, who knows? 

Being able to write down your goals is a kind of self-awareness, which is healthy. It reveals your courage to face your goals no matter how big, scary, or impossible they may seem! Breaking goals down into small, manageable steps can be helpful. Let your “Goals List” be your motivation!

If you’ll not settle for anything less than your best, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in your life. (Vince Lombardi) 

Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life, because you become what you believe. (Oprah Winfrey)

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. (Aristotle) 

Distraction & Binge-Watching Obstruct our Goals

Oftentimes, people can’t keep their New Year’s Resolutions, or their goals, due to lack of motivation, lack of structure and organization, lack of self-esteem, lack of social support, or lack of self-awareness of their own problems. Sometimes, there are serious underlying issues, such as depression and anxiety. Many individuals with deeper issues get by because they use distraction, such as watching TV for hours each day, to cope with their problems.

Distraction is a helpful coping mechanism, but it is usually a temporary solution to problems, and a strategy that is used only in the beginning of therapy. With problems such as anxiety, phobias, trauma, etc., distraction cannot be the ultimate solution. Indeed, if distraction is used too much, such as watching TV for hours every day, it can become another problem, or even an addiction. With such addictive behaviours, people lack self-regulation to stop the unhealthy behaviour.

Many years of research have shown that excessive TV watching is linked to poor mental and physical health (Hamer, Stamatakis, & Mishra, 2010; Robinson & Martin, 2008; Sun et al., 2015). Recent researchers suggested that binge-watching, which is defined as watching two to more episodes of the same TV show in one sitting, is associated with mental health problems such as depression, loneliness, and anxiety (Karmakar, Kruger, Elhai, & Kramer, 2015; Kruger, Karmakar, Elhai, & Kramer, 2015; Sung, Kang, & Lee, 2015).   

So, it is good to limit our distractions. Enjoy TV and other entertainments, but be careful to keep your eye on your goals, not just on the TV screen! 

Humility  

One of themes that I repeat in my blog is humility.

Being humble is not just a high virtue. It is indeed something that can help improve the quality of your life!

It can be difficult to practice humility: it is difficult sometimes to admit that we have problems, we make mistakes, we are not always genuine, we sometimes lack motivation and diligence, etc. When we forget our humility, maybe when we are trying to save face, we actually cause more problems in different areas of life: it can then be harder to form genuine, meaningful social relationships, to achieve goals, and to form healthy strategies to cope with life problems. Being humble can lead to self-awareness, which in turn can lead to great improvements in life. Humility is the foundation that helps all of us change, learn, and grow! If we believe we already know everything, we won’t be able to acquire new knowledge. If we think we are always right, or we have no problems, we won’t be motivated to change for the better.

Being able to reach and maintain New Year’s Resolutions or goals require more than just writing them down. Seek help, ask questions, take one step at a time, make mistakes, and persevere!

It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting. (Paulo Coelho)  

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. (C. S. Lewis)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I make New Year’s Resolutions, work hard to achieve them, and seek help if I have difficulty maintaining them. 

References

Hamer, M., Stamatakis, E., & Mishra, G. D. (2010). Television- and screen-based activity and mental well-being in adults. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 38(4), 375-380. doi:10.1016/j.amepre.2009.12.030

Karmakar, M., Kruger, J. S., Elhai, J., & Kramer, A. (2015). Viewing patterns and addiction to television among adults who self-identify as binge-watchers. American Public Health Association. Retrieved from https://apha.confex.com/apha/143am/webprogram/Paper335049.html

Kruger, J. S., Karmakar,  M., Elhai, J., & Kramer, A. (2015). Looking into screen time: Mental health and binge watching. American Public Health Association. Retrieved from https://apha.confex.com/apha/143am/webprogram/Paper335164.html

Robinson, J. P. & Martin, S. (2008). What do happy people do? Social Indicators Research, 89(3), 565-571. doi:10.1007/s11205-008-9296-6

Sun, J-W., Zhao, L-G., Yang, Y., Ma. X., Wang, Y-Y., & Xiang, Y-B. (2015). Association between television viewing time and all-cause mortality: A meta-analysis of cohort studies. American Journal of Epidemiology, 182(11), 908-916. doi:10.1093/aje/kwv164

Sung, Y. H., Kang, E. Y., & Lee, W. N. (2015, May). A bad habit for your health? An exploration of psychological factors for binge-watching behaviour. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the International Communication Association Conference, San Juan, PR. 

Cultivating Loving Relationships

Let Go and Stay Joyful

As I get older, I am becoming more selective of who I consider a friend. I find that I would rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. (Steve Maraboli)

It’s interesting that we come across different people in life, and we all say people come and go. It’s true that people come and go. People change, and you yourself change. I used to experience a sense of regret for spending time with people who don't share my values, or associating with individuals or groups whose values are not compatible with mine. 

But as I grow and develop, and when I think deeply about this matter nowadays, those acquaintanceships or even sometimes friendships were meant to be there, so that I can associate or keep associating with people whom I know I can be with for a lifetime. If those previous friendships weren’t there, I would not learn. We all learn from mistakes, and so acquaintanceships or friendships that you have decided to let go of must have their good reasons to be there in the first place, even though they were let go of later. I think it’s important to cultivate a sense of gratitude rather than allowing that sense of regret grows into something negative or bitter as you reflect on them. If you are able to perceive that everything not only happens for a reason, but for a good reason, I believe there are some positive moments that you could derive from relationships that you decided to walk away from. 

Be Picky!  

Sometimes if we are very eager to from new friendships—maybe if we are in a new place, or having a strong unmet need for support—we may make relationship decisions that we regret. I believe it is important to choose relationships with people who are kind, loyal, and patient. This is what I mean by being “picky!” This means that it may be necessary to say no to relationships with those who are not kind, loyal, or patient.  Sometimes it is necessary to let go of unhealthy relationships too. So, “be picky!” 

Notice the people who are happy for your happiness, and sad for your sadness. They’re the ones who deserve special places in your heart. (Author Unknown)

Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher. (Oprah Winfrey)

Be thankful for all the difficult people in your life, and learn from them. They have shown you exactly who you do not want to be. (Author Unknown)

Quality over Quantity

Social support is a very important element of our well being. Many studies showed that people who report to have a few close friends are more likely to describe themselves as happy than those who have no close friends or less close friends. However, I find that the benefits are associated with the quality of social relationships (Demir, Orthel & Andelin, 2013; Demir, Orthel-Clark, Ozdemir, & Ozdemir, 2015). 

Most people do not have time and energy to maintain a hundred high quality, close friendships! It is better to have just a few friends who show special care or understanding. 

There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words, and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand—without you even speaking a word. (Yasmin Mogahed)

In life, surround yourself with those who light your path. (Author Unknown)

The friendships that you allow yourself to be in, or the people whom you allow yourself to associate with, say something about you. Be careful with your choices. Be around with people who reflect your kindness, values, beliefs, principles, and morality. If you would like to reveal your true potential, it is important to associate yourself with people who support and encourage you to become who you are. 

Surround yourself with people that reflect who you want to be and how you want to feel. (Rachel Wolchin) 

We’re all social beings who need social connections to survive and thrive. We all have a need to belong! From my perspective, though, the key is healthy relationships: relationships that strengthen your well-being and morality, generate positive, virtuous energy, facilitate love and care in a genuine manner, encourage open-mindedness, and practice humility, empathy, altruism, and compassion consistently. Energy is contagious. While I often encourage others and myself, not to absorb others’ bitterness and negativity, we are inevitably human beings--the environment has an impact on us.

I love the following quote:

You must constantly ask yourself these questions: who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change. (Jim Rohn)

It is therefore important to have a consistent, stable, and positive environment that encourages us to learn and grow healthily. That’s the kind of social support that can really promote your physical and emotional health.

If a person always leaves you with mixed feelings, uncertainty and an unsettled mind, you don’t need to place your energy there. (Reyna Biddy) 

Do not bring people in your life who weigh you down. And trust your instincts... good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don't hurt. They're not painful. That's not just with somebody you want to marry, but it's with the friends that you choose. It's with the people you surround yourselves with. (Michelle Obama)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I associate myself with kind people who encourage and support me to become who I am meant to be.  

Be Patient! 

路遙知馬力，日久見人心 

“A long journey proves the strength of a horse, so it takes a long passage of time to know a man’s heart.”

I love this Chinese proverb. Most often, it is only time, rather than your first impression, that will tell you who a person is! It is time that reveals a person’s heart—whether or not you share similar core virtues and whether or not you could keep that person for a lifetime.

You may have had acquaintances, friends, or mentors whom you once thought were kind people, but as time passed, you learned their true personality, and you realized that their ways of being and acting are not compatible with your own. At first, it might come as a shock. But this proverb teaches us that it is not that shocking if you learn that it takes time, often a very long time, before you could discover someone’s personality. Most people engage in impression management, especially in new social interactions! 

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. (Oprah Winfrey)

That’s not to say you should avoid people with negative traits altogether. No one is perfect! We are all imperfect! There are many places, occupations, organizations, and ways that would allow you to reach out and hopefully influence people in a positive way. I encourage you to give, to help, to encourage, to accept, and to praise other people, whether you are at home, at school, at work, or at other types of social gatherings. But similarly, you deserve to be cared for too!

What I am trying to emphasize is that the people whom you spend much time with reflect who you are and certainly can influence who you will become. You need a foundation that helps you grow and thrive, supports you to become who you are, and influences you in a positive, healthy way, before you could be healthy and strong enough to be a positive influence yourself.

If you have discovered that certain individuals do not share your values or virtues, gently let go of them. You have a limited amount of time and energy. Spend this limited time and energy with people who give you acceptance, kindness, and encouragement. This will help you thrive, and in turn will help other people thrive too!

I’m very picky with whom I give my energy to. I prefer to reserve my time, intensity and spirit exclusively to those who reflect sincerity. (Dau Voire)

Sociology

近朱者赤，近墨者黑

A proverb that reflects the core of sociology. It literally means that “proximity to cinnabar makes you red, and proximity to ink makes you black.” That is, the environment that you choose to be in has great influences on you.

Love yourself enough to create an environment in your life that is conducive to the nourishment of your personal growth. Cultivate a vibrant surrounding and commit yourself to making choices that will help you release the greatest expression of your unique beauty and purpose. (Steve Maraboli)

Choose your core social groups carefully. Let time reveal the truth, and let your heart and mind select people whom you can associate with and keep for a lifetime. Be patient! Time is your amazing friend.

Be Friends with Those who Share Your Values

志不同，道不合, 不相為謀, or 道不同不相為謀，志不同不相為友。(Analects of Confucius) 

"Birds of different feathers do not flock together." or 

"People with different values can hardly work together or become friends."  

Of course this is up to you. You can be friends with those who have completely opposite or different moral ethics and thoughts from yours, to expand your worldview or to have a really good debate! I personally still find that it’s healthy to have at least one or two persons in your life, who show genuine kindness and understanding, who share similar integrity, and who love and support you.

I am a much bigger fan of “Birds of a feather flock together” than “Opposites attract!”  

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness. (Euripides) 

Extremely Intelligent People

A very recent, interesting study indicated that extremely intelligent people feel happier with less social interactions with friends (Li & Kanazawa, 2016). One of the reasons could be due to focussing on their bigger goals, such as fighting for human rights, writing a novel, or creating a new thing, and therefore not desiring social interactions as often! Intelligent individuals do not have much difficulty not socializing with their friends regularly. Indeed, extremely intelligent people feel more satisfied with their life when they have lower frequency of social interactions with friends!  

Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of. (Author Unknown)

It is healthy for everyone to have a few friendships, provided that they are quality friendships! You are free to continue to expand your social circle too! There may be many kindred spirits that we have not yet met, many interesting conversations that we have not had, or many fun activities that we have not participated in! Knowing how to find a balance, between social interactions and achieving big goals, is important. It does not have to be an either-or situation.

It is equally important to enjoy time in solitude—to love and accept yourself when you are alone, to focus your energy and time on your goals and hobbies, and to be alone without feeling lonely! 

Give and Receive

In all types of relationships, give and receive! Don’t just be a receiver, and don’t just be a giver! Healthy relationships involve both giving and receiving. In this season of giving, it is a good reminder that people of all ages, including little children, enjoy giving presents to their family and friends! When you receive a present, be thankful! Presents can include objects, writing, time, attention, love, and care…

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you’ll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. (Rick Warren)

The most precious presents of all are time, company, and sincere help and understanding during the most difficult times of life. People who genuinely help know what you need and give what you need. They do not count how much they have given, do not use their help as an instrument of control or threat, do not ever brag about their kindness, and are consistent. Oftentimes, they don’t even remember their kind acts!

Remember, anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you. (Author Unknown)

Arguments

Arguments in friendships are inevitable. In the midst of arguments, remain gracious. Relationships need not vanish when there are disagreements. Friends can’t always have the exact same opinions or values over every single issue, so conflicts or disagreements are inevitable. Indeed, in conflicts, we learn more about each other’s temperaments and perspectives, leading to greater understanding, and deepening the relationship. I believe that being able to resolve conflicts strengthens friendships, rather than weakening them. Only strong friendships would go through conflicts and overcome conflicts. Acquaintanceships sometimes don’t even evolve to that level of intimacy. If there is love, arguments do not lead to less liking, but more understanding and a closer bond. 

Having the opportunities to give and receive, to laugh at funny jokes together, to provide and receive encouragement and understanding… the reciprocity of healthy, genuine interactions is life-enriching.

Energy is contagious, positive and negative alike. I will forever be mindful of what and who I am allowing into my space. (Alex Elle)

I think we deserve people who really, really love us. (Alicia Keys)

Yes, I think you really, really deserve to have people who love you! Choose wisely.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I cultivate healthy, loving relationships in my life. 

Hold onto Positivity and Let Go of Negativity

In this season of love, no matter where you are at in your life, I encourage you to focus on the people who sincerely love you, and whom you sincerely love. Recall and create positive memories: allow them to live in your heart, so that when you encounter people who behave bitterly towards you, you won’t become bitter yourself. Instead, you allow those loving moments to be you, and to shine through you. Set your minds and your hearts on people who love you dearly.

Your life is in your own hands: you can choose to focus on genuine, loving, kind, and thoughtful people who keep you warm. When you are able to carry those loving and kind moments or people with you, you will then have more energy to spread kindness within you and around you.

Poor experiences can make your good experiences even sweeter. Negative encounters with incompatible people can make positive encounters with compatible people even more valuable. 

The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes. (C. JoyBell C.)

The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all. (Excerpt from Mulan, Disney)

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. (Excerpt from Winnie the Pooh, Disney)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I choose love over bitterness, and express gratitude to those who genuinely love and care for me.   

References

Demir, M., Orthel, H., & Andelin, A. K. (2013). Friendship and happiness. In I. Boniwell, S. David & A. C. Ayers (Eds.), The Oxford handbook of happiness (pp. 860–870). Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press.

Demir, M., Orthel-Clark, H., Ozdemir, M., & Ozdemir, S. B. (2015). Friendship and happiness among young adults. In M. Demir (Ed.), Friendship and happiness: Across the life-span and cultures (pp. 117-135). Dordrecht, the Netherlands: Springer.

Li, N. P.  & Kanazawa, S. (2016). Country roads, take me home… to my friends: How intelligence, population density, and friendship affect modern happiness. British Journal of Psychology, 107(4), 675-697. doi:10.1111/bjop.12181

Meet People with an Open Heart and an Open Mind

People have asked me how to meet friends. I think I would need to dedicate a few posts about this topic.

You’ve probably heard a lot of advice about how healthy it is for you to join groups of like-minded people. So you might have been encouraged to join groups focusing on the same hobby that you like, or the same career, or the same ethnic background, or the same religious beliefs…

But sometimes you may be disappointed with these groups, despite joining them with high expectations!

Finding a “kindred spirit” is sometimes easier in a group which shares common interests with you. But sometimes you may actually never find that “kindred spirit” in the place you expect. 

In any group, there are likely to be some people who are more compatible with you, and others who are less compatible. Occasionally, you might feel quite disappointed, when you try a new group experience, with high hopes, but yet end up not feeling included or accepted warmly.  

I encourage you to make an effort to meet others with an open heart and an open mind. Be careful not to make assumptions about the people you meet, just because of their membership, or lack of membership, in a particular group. If you have a favourite hobby of painting, but have no interest at all in playing basketball, you are probably more likely to meet a good new friend in a painting class! But sometimes, you might actually feel socially uncomfortable in a new painting class, but meet a wonderful new friend who loves basketball! Always have an open mind!  Be flexible!  

It is always encouraging and uplifting to meet someone in a group who shares similar experiences or values with you; it is disappointing to meet someone in a group who does not behave warmly.  

同桌吃飯，各自修行 。

This is a Chinese saying, which literally means “people who eat at the same dinner table may have different awareness, behaviours, and morality.”

I interpret this to mean that just because people are doing the same things, doesn’t mean that they share the same values or character traits.  Similarly, people who attend the same class to receive education, people who have the same degree, people who work in the same environment, or people who have the same religious beliefs, may have very different character or compatibility.  

Don’t let someone’s occupation, or some other external characteristic, such as race, ethnic background, or educational or income level, obscure your view of who that person is or change your behaviors towards them. Try to meet every person with an open mind and an open heart. It is often with time and numerous social interactions that you learn who a person is.  

路遙知馬力，日久見人心。

This literally means “A long journey reveals the strength of a horse, so it takes a long period of time to know a person’s heart.”

I love this Chinese proverb. Most often, it is only time, rather than your first impression, that will tell you who a person is! It is time that reveals a person’s heart—whether or not you share similar core values and whether or not you could keep that person for a lifetime.

It is, however, important, to observe problems in a person’s behaviour towards you, right from the beginning. If a person is treating you disrespectfully, or harshly, you do not need to wait patiently to see if the person ends up being a good friend. It is ok to quickly move away from relationships in which you are not being treated well.  

Time and patience are needed in situations when you are unsure about compatibility, or in situations where people may be slow or cautious about expanding their social circle.

Time is your amazing friend. 

Here are a Few Simple and Quick Suggestions:

1) Respect others’ boundaries and do not bombard others with questions, especially during the first social encounter.

2) If you would like to meet an honest person who opens up to you, be honest yourself first.

3) Express genuine positive regard for others’ good fortune, success, achievement, happiness, and beauty. Compliment them sincerely!

4) Be humble. Being too boastful is almost always associated with low self-esteem. If you have trouble remaining genuinely humble, then this could be an important issue to work on, possibly with the help of a therapist.   

5) Be kind: help and encourage others, with wisdom, respect, and love.

6) Be there for your friend, before he or she asks for it! 

7) Put yourself into the other person’s shoes—practice empathy! 

8) Strive hard to be non-judgmental.

9) Be generous.

10) Be sensitive! Be sensitive to others’ emotions, needs, stories, struggles, financial situation, etc. Think before you speak or act. Sensitivity is such a beautiful, wonderful trait. 

You give a little love and it all comes back to you. (Paul Williams)

I’m very picky with whom I give my energy to. I prefer to reserve my time, intensity and spirit exclusively to those who reflect sincerity. (Dau Voire)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I meet every person with an open mind and an open heart, and I let time guide me. 

Memories

There are some memories that we would not want to relive or remember again: abuse, trauma, loss, disasters, wars…

But there are other memories that we would want to relive… those memories that we deliberately and voluntarily replay in our minds.

An Adlerian therapist would be interested in asking clients about “early recollections” in psychotherapy. According to Adler, childhood memories that we selectively choose to remember have significant meanings to us and influence our perceptions as an adult.  Early recollections are important and valuable because they are the one-time-only childhood moments that people choose to remember. They are able to provide insights into an individual’s lifestyle, goals, and the underlying purpose of people’s strengths and problems. When individuals recall a vivid childhood memory, with a beginning and an end and a feeling attached to it, the therapist could have a better understanding of their clients’ early ways of dealing with the world. The client could also gain a better, more vivid understanding of himself or herself, and the childhood memory might help the client to empathize with self. It could be like understanding and empathizing with a character in a novel or movie much more deeply if we are shown scenes from the character’s childhood. 

One of my favourite childhood memories is my grandfather holding my hand and walking with me in his neighbourhood. He always brought a whole bunch of $1 coins (HKD), and I would instantly light up with excitement!

There was a very shabby stationary shop in his neighbourhood, owned by an elderly man. There, at the entrance, were a few vending machines which had trading cards. I was a collector of Sailor Moon cards… and, those vending machines somehow were never working properly, so a $1 coin would give you more than just one Sailor Moon card. Sometimes, a dollar could give you one, two, three, four, or five cards each time! That really excited my grandpa and me!

I would see him putting so many coins into the machine, and we would take turns: turning the knob, and taking out the cards. Sometimes I got to put coins into the machine too! We laughed. We got excited. And we said “wow,” always thinking that we were very lucky to get more than just one card with a $1 coin! I looked up at him whenever there were more cards coming out of that red machine. That scene—in my memory—was like a video, captured by a video camera. I can still see it and feel it… I still remember the sounds of those coins, the clicking sounds of the knob… I still remember looking at his hand, turning the knob. I did not know how he could have so many coins: he told me that he collected them from change and often made a special trip to the bank to get some!

When we went back to my grandparents’ home, my grandmother would beam with excitement to see my Sailor Moon cards, and I would feel very proud to show her the new cards that I was adding to my collection. Somehow she would almost always ask me to give her one. Although unwilling, I would choose one for her, and she would usually give it back to me, and say she was just testing my generosity.

My grandparents gave me many positive memories in my childhood and taught me many valuable lessons.  

Those memories are of events that happened more than 20 years ago. But I still remember the details. I have replayed them in my mind many times.

I no longer have the Sailor Moon cards that grandfather bought me. But I have other things that he gave me, and I am planning to keep them for the rest of my life. These objects symbolize, for me, my grandfather’s kind, generous, loving heart. 

Although we lived so far apart, we met and spent quality time together about once a year. And in between, there were always phone calls and exchanges of letters. It was a really rich, heartwarming emotional bond that we shared.

I miss him so much, but I am so very thankful for all the memories and for all of his kindness. 

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I review positive memories of loved ones, and keep creating positive memories with others. 

A Prayer for the World

If everyone were indifferent to injustice, abuse, violence, crime, discrimination, bullying, the sufferings of others… humanity would go backwards.

Those who stand up and disrupt group harmony in order to fight for justice, humanity, and equality deserve applause, provided that it is done in a peaceful way.

Praying for the world…

I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. (Elie Wiesel)

I was raised to believe that excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism. And that’s how I operate my life. (Oprah Winfrey)

Have courage, and be kind. (Excerpt from Cinderella, Disney)

Being both soft and strong is a combination very few have mastered (Yasmin Mogahed)   

(This is similar to a Chinese idiom:  剛柔並濟 )

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. (Martin Luther King Jr.)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I choose justice over timidity or apathy. 

Grief: Review Memories and Objects at a Pace that is Healthy for You

He was the first one who picked seashells with me. He found some on the beach especially for me. 

He was the first one who taught me how to grow edible plants.

He was the first to ever encourage me, starting when I was very young. And he enjoyed watching me play when I was a child. A few years ago, when we were reflecting on the past, he told me “other kids were hesitant and afraid, but you climbed the monkey bars in the playground without fear.” I’m so touched that he remembered these little things about me from so long ago. 

He was the first one who gave me a positive nickname. When I was a child, he called me “little steel bar” (小鋼條) because he said that I was so skinny, but very strong, always able to carry very heavy things to help others out.

He was the first one who told me, “You are a writer. You write better than I do.”  

I have never received so many handwritten letters from anyone except from him; I believe he never received so many letters from anyone except from me too. Grandma told me that he liked to reread my letters, and he often shed tears after reading them. I keep all of his letters… I reread them too… they are the most precious treasures in my life… they are my comfort… but, I can’t read them all at once now because I know that it would be too overwhelming. I need to take my time to review all of his letters, photos, videos... and memories that we shared together, slowly, at a pace that would be healthy for me… If I find that it is still too overwhelming, I need to review them in a safe environment, with someone who is supportive and empathic. 

Be it grief, trauma, phobia, depression, or other issues, managing psychological health involves self-awareness and gentle self-care. Healing takes time, and the treatment requires a steady, slow pace in order to be healthy and effective. Knowing your limits is also one of the very important components in healing. 

I feel grateful that he wrote, “I am proud of you” in his letters… grateful for all the heartwarming compliments and encouraging statements that he said and wrote to me… grateful that he saw me achieving my dream, a career that I truly love… grateful that I was part of his life, and he is part of mine…

He was a very quiet person. He only spoke when he needed to, but he would speak quite a bit with someone he liked. He never used sarcasm. He always did a lot for others, but never bragged about his kindness—he was humble. Humility is such a beautiful quality. 

He had so many wonderful qualities: he was very frugal, but very generous. He was very good at math, and he was very good at writing. He had beautiful handwriting, including calligraphy. He was intelligent and wise. Cooking for others was one of his greatest joys. He was a really good cook. He made the best wonton soup! He had a great fashion sense. He had a good sense of humour. He had very beautiful smiles.

He is one of the most loving, kind, genuine, patient, beautiful persons I have ever met in my life. He is the one who makes me feel proud of my roots.

A role model, the best grandfather I could ever ask for…  

I miss him.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I write about my grief, and review memories, photos, videos, letters, objects… one at a time, in a safe, supportive environment.   

Grief and Bereavement

There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kübler-Ross, 1969).

Not all people go through all of the stages. There is no one linear order. Every experience is unique and different. 

Usually, the news comes as a shock.

Slowly tears start to arrive. In some cases, tears may not arrive right away.

Still, sometimes no memories can be retrieved.

Denial.

More tears. More discussions with others. 

Gradually memories start to come back.

In my own case, only sweet memories came back.

Moments of laughter. Funny moments. Playing games together. Looking at photo albums together. Talking about history. Deep conversations about life. Many moments of silence. Moments of non-judgmental, empathic companionship. Encouragement. Smiles. Celebrations. When I showed him my photographs, he showed me his—those that he did many years ago. The exchanges of handwritten letters. Numerous visits over the years. Every departure brought tears to our eyes. There was no argument. No yelling. No scolding. No criticisms. No sarcasm. No bitterness. No violence. None. Never… between us.

When I was 9 years old, wanting to run away, he did not ask me any question and did not criticize me at all. He simply came over, held my hand, and walked me to his home. I spent the weekend there, and he helped me with my homework. When I finally moved out by late adolescence, he cried and asked me to be strong.

I keep one object that really signifies him. But the most important of all… are those peaceful memories that we shared; they will forever live in my heart. He has always been living in my heart. 

Sometimes, grief comes with a fear of negative drama in the community. There could be a fear of being criticized or judged… and sometimes you may feel like criticizing or judging yourself. In my own case, I know I have given what I could over the years, and I feel at peace. I believe he felt at peace too. 

I remind you, that you don’t have to explain to people. Your memories and your experiences are treasures that are shared between two hearts, and this sharing is eternal.  

Acceptance. A very peaceful feeling can come… especially when there are no regrets. Gratitude can also be found in the process.  

I take a deep breath, wipe away tears that will probably come again, and realize that I am much stronger than I was. Some of this strength comes from him. 

Affirmations: I enrich my life when I take my time to grieve and seek counselling or social support during the bereavement period. I enrich my life when I remind myself that healing takes time. I enrich my life when I continue to take good care of myself and take good care of others.

Reference

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. New York, US: The Macmillan Company. 

A Simple Post about Simplicity

A simple life is a good life. 

Here are some simple activities that are at the heart of healthy living:

• sitting on your couch and reading a good book
• watching a good movie or a comedy show
• walking or cycling along the shoreline
• watching the sunset at the beach or the local park
• decorating your home and enjoying the comfortable atmosphere that you designed
• painting a beautiful nature scene
• listening to music that you love
• cooking a simple meal
• savouring every delicious bite of your meal
• visiting the museums
• laughing out loud at super funny jokes with a friend
• being close to the heart of nature
• writing a blog post using point form instead of full sentences!

These simple routines generate your contentment and gratitude.

Having a mansion, very expensive things, or other luxuries, only create an illusion of happiness. Often such things actually create more stress for us. The more “things” we have, the more time we have to spend looking after our things, instead of looking after our selves, our minds, or our relationships. I think there is a healthy way to have a relationship with “things”:  first, do not allow an object to have a greater importance in your life than a relationship with a person. Second, do not allow your things to define your identity. Third, focus on a small number of high-quality things that will last a long time, rather than a large number of low-quality things that will have to be thrown out or replaced in a few months. Fourth, remember that giving things away is a far greater source of joy than getting more things for yourself. 

At the end of the day, the simple joys in life are the things that take up the most room in your heart; they are the things that make you feel grounded and happy.

I came to a point where I needed solitude and just stop the machine of ‘thinking’ and ‘enjoying’ what they call ‘living’, I just wanted to lie in the grass and look at the clouds. (Jack Kerouac)

 Affirmation: I enrich my life when I embrace the simplicity of life. 

The Girl on the Train

The Girl on the Train is a movie about the devastating effects of abuse (Platt & Taylor, 2016). While the film is not based on a true story, there are many people in real life who have had similar experiences. I do not recommend this film as being therapeutic at all—it is quite disturbing—but I do think the film shows us some examples of abuse that happen all too often.  

One of the main characters in the film looks like a "normal" person, but actually we discover that he is responsible for committing brutal, sadistic acts in private.  

Abusive people in the community may have a façade of “normality.” Some of them can look like the healthiest people in the community… 

In the film, we see the villain fabricate stories to manipulate and disorient the main character (Rachel). As part of this “gaslighting” behaviour, he makes the victim believe that she is the worst problem of all. Why does he do this? It is to attempt to justify his abusive behaviours, to manage his “normal-looking” impression in front of others, and to attempt to alter people’s discovery of the truth.   

Instead of receiving help and empathy from the community, Rachel is seen as a problematic person—a worthless, unreliable, untrustworthy alcoholic. It is a heartbreaking example—it is indeed true that sometimes victims of abuse do become disorganized in their thinking, or involved in substance abuse, such that others might have a hard time believing their words. In the case of Rachel, no one has much empathy for her, and no one tries to understand her story, even when she is struggling so much (Platt & Taylor, 2016).

People who are well-educated, who have a well respected job, who live in a mansion or an upscale neighbourhood, who have wealth and assets, and who look “fine” are often assumed to be normal. But there are many cases of severe abuse in which those responsible look “normal” on the outside. We often see examples of this in the news. 

Generally speaking, a person from the West has more understanding and empathy about abuse and trauma than someone from the East. In the East, there is less education about psychology and mental health. Also, in Eastern cultures, it is less common to discuss family problems with outsiders. Unfortunately, when victims of abuse who are from an Eastern cultural background speak up about their painful, devastating experiences, they are more likely to be criticized or doubted.   

It is time for more people, especially those from collectivistic cultures, to know what abuse is, the devastating effects of abuse, and the battles that victims are being placed in. Members of the Asian community need more education about the abuse which goes on in their midst. This will allow people in these communities who are suffering from abuse to have more support, empathy, and encouragement, rather than suffering alone. It is a whole new layer of suffering to have stigma, guilt, or shame on top of the symptoms resulting from abuse. Education is a cure for this problem, and thankfully I see that we are already starting to move forward on this issue.   

I wish there would be more and more and more lectures, movies, books, memoirs, art exhibits, and education about abuse and trauma. If you are interested to learn, you will find how complex abuse is. In many cases, just as shown in the movie, you will learn that victims often have to suffer a confusing lack of empathy and understanding from others, in addition to the suffering caused directly from the abuse.   

I urge all of you to learn more about abuse, and to learn more about showing empathy and support to victims. Even health care workers and other caregivers need to provide more empathic support and encouragement to survivors of abuse. We must teach children about this subject, starting at an early age in the public schools.  

If you have the opportunity to attend an educational workshop on the subject of understanding the impact of abuse, and of providing meaningful support or therapy, I strongly encourage it! Just last week I attended such a workshop, and found it very holistic and encouraging!

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. (Desmond Tutu)

If you have suffered abuse in the past, I hope psychotherapy, support and encouragement from others, as well as your own determination, can help you choose a healthy, positive path. Alcohol and street drugs can be a temptation—and can also be pushed upon you by abusive people—but remember that your voice and your story become much more powerful when you strive hard to take a healthy, positive path. 

No matter where you are, there will always be people who lack the knowledge or empathy to understand your story. The healthiest intention of sharing your story is to empower yourself and others. If you see that the other person does not show empathy, does not have at least a little bit of knowledge, or does not have the capacity to understand your story, it is best not to share all the details of your story. Such sharing, under those conditions, would not lead to any kind of empowerment. There are many formats to share your story that could empower yourself and others, such as memoirs, artwork, blogs, lectures, and of course discussions with people who are empathic. It’s important to set boundaries and to know where your limits lie, so that your sharing will not become yet another upsetting incident, or even a trigger for you.

Last but not least, don't forget about all the witnesses and other people who were involved in your story, people who sincerely encouraged and supported you along the way. Remember and acknowledge all the people who admire your courage and cheer you on!  

My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart. (Maya Angelou)  

Love yourself enough to create an environment in your life that is conducive to the nourishment of your personal growth. Allow yourself to let go of the people, thoughts, and situations that poison your well-being. Cultivate a vibrant surrounding and commit yourself to making choices that will help you release the greatest expression of your unique beauty and purpose. (Steve Maraboli)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I obtain knowledge about abuse and trauma and practice my empathy and kindness towards people who have been through abuse. 

Reference

Platt, M. (Producer), & Taylor, T. (Director). (2016). The girl on the train [Motion picture]. United States: Universal Pictures.

Gratitude Journal

I encourage you to keep a gratitude journal. It is useful to focus not only on negative symptoms and suffering, but also on themes of positivity, joy, meaning, and gratitude.  

What is a gratitude journal? It is quite simple! It involves writing down things you feel sincerely thankful for…

Emmons and McCulluough (2003) state that gratitude-journaling exercises are associated with better sleep, increased well-being, and reductions of physical pain. O’Leary and Dockray (2015) demonstrate that simple exercises of gratitude journaling are beneficial for well-being. Researchers show that gratitude influences the hypothalamus and the brain regions associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine, as well it increases the production of serotonin (Korb, 2015; Zahn et al., 2009). 

So, there is science that proves that gratitude journaling not only feels good, and helps you feel better, but it even changes your brain!  

If you have suffered a lot in your life, with depression, anxiety, trauma, or physical pain, it may be very hard for you to think of things you feel grateful for. In fact, you may object to the exercise altogether! It might seem like you would be just “forcing yourself” to think of something positive to say. It might feel like another example where your suffering was not being addressed, and instead you were just being asked to “be happy.” But I believe that gratitude journaling is a very, very powerful idea. It is not a substitute for addressing your pain and suffering. If you have suffered, it is important to express that freely! But it is also important, as a component of your therapy, to spend time regularly focusing on those parts of your life, or your world, that are good, healthy, and beautiful. This focus will introduce more balance into your life, and will even allow you to express your pain with greater poise and clarity. 

While I often count my blessings, I think it’s very healthy to actually take some time to write them down on paper on a daily basis. Writing my gratitude brings joy and satisfaction as I deliberately take more time to savour the blessings and the happy moments that happen in my life. 

Here are some short and long examples that I had written:

I feel thankful for the beautiful autumn leaves.

I feel thankful for having fresh air to breathe.

I feel thankful that I feel physically comfortable today. 

I feel thankful for my friends. 

I feel thankful for visiting places where people greet me with a big smile, a warm “welcome back,” and sometimes a funny joke.  

I feel thankful because I can sing and play musical instruments. 

I am lucky to have a couple of teachers, whom I have known for a decade or even more. They are not really teachers, but they are “my teachers.” They helped and inspired me. Whenever we meet, we treat each other with respect and genuineness. They don’t treat me as someone beneath them but as an equal. When I share my good news with them, they are always happy for me. They encourage me, and sometimes, they challenge me. While I often express my gratitude, the most wonderful form of gratitude is to actually give back to the community. I aspire to be like my teachers, to pass on all the kindness that I have received. I feel happy to be part of this beautiful cycle of sharing and passing on kindness.

As I am starting my counselling practice, there have been twists and turns on the road. However, there has also been a lot of genuine encouragement and support. I feel very grateful to see health care professionals being so kind, initiating, and showing their interest in referring clients to me. I appreciate their empathy as well as their enthusiasm in helping. Even just the thought of wanting to help or wanting to connect me to others really moves me. It reminds me of the spirit of the health care system. I just wanted to take this opportunity to reflect and say thank you to those who genuinely care. In life, we need those twists and turns on the road: they can make the destination much sweeter. 

Developing a daily routine of gratitude journaling is very satisfying; writing good things down can give us better “lenses” to focus on the positive things. Sometimes even in situations that involve disappointments or setbacks, you can teach yourself to derive positive meaning from them, such as the lessons learned or the insights that foster growth. Also, after counting your blessings, those negative experiences would likely become much less important and would lose their power over you. I see that gratitude journaling improves my sense of well-being! A very easy method to start is to write down three to five positive things that you feel thankful for each day!

A next step for gratitude journaling is to personally express gratitude to the people in your life who have helped you. Write a thank-you note, send a gratitude email, or bring a small gift. Pay a visit and express your gratitude face to face! 

As I wrap this post up, I would like to introduce two songs to you, with therapeutic lyrics, which talk about gratitude: Flashlight by Bethany Mota and Better Place by Rachel Platten. I don’t know what or who is your “flashlight” and what makes your place a “better place.” I’d like to encourage you to keep an open mind and to appreciate goodness in your life, such as the people who love you, the religion you believe in, your passions, your hobbies, your strengths, nature, cultures, good books, education, knowledge, art, food, music, and all the other positive things. Let these be your “flashlight,” as they together can make your place a “better place.”

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I give thanks and write down what I feel thankful for each day.

References

Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377

Korb, A. (2015). The upward spiral: Using neuroscience to reverse the course of depression, one small change at a time. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications. 

O'Leary, K., & Dockray, S. (2015). The effects of two novel gratitude and mindfulness interventions on well-being. The Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, 21(4), 243-245. doi:10.1089/acm.2014.0119

Zahn, R., Moll, J., Paiva, M., Garrido, G., Krueger, F., Huey, E. D., & Grafman, J. (2009). The neural basis of human social values: Evidence from functional MRI. Cerebral Cortex, 19(2), 276-283. doi:10.1093/cercor/bhn080 

Create!

Creativity has healing properties:

1) Making art is meditative; it helps us focus on the present moment.

2) Being creative can help relieve stress.

3) The creative process can give us a break from stressors in life, negative memories, or negative emotions.

4) Engaging in an artistic hobby can help build self-esteem and confidence, as the process cultivates self-awareness, freedom, and self-control.

5) Creativity allows us to express ourselves freely.

6) Harnessing our creativity can generate insights, open-mindedness, resilience, self-acceptance, and wisdom.

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. (Elder Uchtdorf)

Stuckey & Noble (2010) find that doing art therapies—such as visual arts, dance, expressive writing, and playing music—is associated with reduction in depressive and anxiety symptoms. These therapies also lead to improved psychological and physical health.

Sloan, Marx, Bovin, Feinstein, & Gallagher (2012) suggest that people with motor vehicle accident-related PTSD who participate in a written exposure therapy have reduced PTSD symptoms.

Paint. Somehow, I find that fall is the most inspiring season to paint. The leaves are all so pretty and colourful! My eyes are so fascinated by the beauty of fall that I can’t help to pick up my paintbrush and paint.  

If you do some artwork such as painting, be sure to nurture a feeling of kindness and acceptance towards yourself and your art. I have joined a few art classes over the years, and have met classmates who can’t stop swearing at or criticizing their own artwork as they paint!  

I wish we can all paint and create, but in a gentle, self-accepting way. Enjoy the process of painting! It’s okay to make mistakes! Your imperfect art strokes are actually what make your painting perfect!

I paint not by sight but by faith. Faith gives you sight. (Amos Ferguson)

Painting is an attempt to come to terms with life. There are as many solutions as there are human beings. (George Tooker)

Play music. Sing! Play a musical instrument! If you say you can’t sing, or you can’t play a musical instrument, take a class! Once again, nothing needs to be perfect in art. It is the process of creating art that makes it therapeutic. And with practice and time, your skills will improve!

Creativity takes courage. (Henri Matisse)

Did you know? Flutes are considered one of the earliest instruments and date back to Germany over 35,000 years ago. (Vancouver Symphony Orchestra)

Nature photography. Sometimes, the camera can see something different or something more interesting than our own eyes. Preserve the leaves by taking pictures of them! The photographs bring renewed joy and peace every time you look at them.

After you take pictures, store them in an album which you look at frequently, or show them in a continuous slide show on the background of your computer screen.  When you look at beautiful, positive memories repeatedly, their goodness has more of a chance to grow! 

The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves. (Carl Jung) 

Portrait Photography. Collaborate with portrait photographers and make art! Sometimes, the lenses can help reveal sides of you that you have never really seen before, and that could facilitate deep insights and self-awareness.

It is also important to nurture joy and acceptance of the way our bodies look. So often, people feel badly about their physical selves, and this contributes to depression. In order to work on this, portrait photography can be therapeutic. This is not vain or self-indulgent, but rather it is a way to attend to our physical image in a healthy way. 

The purpose of art is not a rarified, intellectual distillate—it is life, intensified, brilliant life. (Alain Arias-Mission)

Write. Write a letter to your loved one, write a thank-you card to a teacher, or write a heartfelt note to a friend! Write a poem! Write a blog post or journal! Express your thoughts and feelings in a kind, gentle way. Write down the things that generate gratitude. Gratitude journaling is found to be associated with an improved sense of well-being (O'Leary & Dockray, 2015). 

Scrapbook. Thanksgiving is one of my favourite holidays. It is a holiday that is officially about giving thanks to my blessings and the people who have helped me in my life. Make a scrapbook for someone you care for! It would be the most meaningful gift you could ever give, and the most enjoyable gift to make.

When you are curious, you find lots of interesting things to do. (Walt Disney)

Cook. Eat pumpkins! They are full of health benefits! Find new recipes, modify the recipes (less salt and less sugar!), and cook with your loved ones if you would like! Cooking is an art. I am always interested in watching people cook, or learning what ingredients they use. There’s always something that I feel surprised to know; I can either incorporate their ideas, or get some insights and create something my way! Share your food!

Style. Instead of merely following the fashion trend every season, create your own personal fashion style that makes you feel comfortable and confident! Get insights from fashion designers, fashion shows, fashion magazines and websites, fashion bloggers, and window-shopping because there is no end in art.   

Fashion in modern culture does not have to be vain or self-indulgent. It can be a way to express individuality and creativity in a healthy way. You do not have to follow or copy the latest trends—you can express yourself in any way that you wish! My only advice is to focus on savouring fashion and style as a simple beautiful healthy component of life, rather than as a materialistic ambition or as a striving to look like someone else. 

You can never be overdressed or overeducated. (Oscar Wilde)

While I see the value of designer clothing, clothing that makes us feel happy, comfortable, and confident don’t necessarily have to be expensive! Selecting clothes and accessories that accentuate one’s physical beauty can help build confidence and happiness. Some people may claim that taking good care of one’s appearance is a superficial act. Here are some of the reasons why I don’t see it as merely superficial, including scientific evidence:

For many with anxiety symptoms or trait perfectionism, there may be a tendency to have unreasonable, excessive demands upon self, and also a tendency to criticize self regardless of the outcome (sometimes even in advance of the action). This level of demand could be so steep that the person might choose not to go out at all, rather than to go out “not looking their best”.

But on the other hand, from a purely behavioural standpoint, I think it is interesting to encourage people to “look their best” in a healthy way. For example, to deliberately wear one’s favourite clothes, or have one’s hair done, etc. even when there is no formal occasion. This would not be motivated by some kind of unreasonable esthetic or perfectionistic demand, but rather could be viewed as a celebration of beauty, and a symbolic recognition that every “ordinary” day is special, without becoming a vain or superficial preoccupation. Karen Pine is a researcher who has looked at attire as a variable relevant to psychological states; her 2013 study referenced below is an introduction to some of her work (Howlett, Pine, Orakçioglu, & Fletcher, 2013). 

Decorate. If you would like, learn how to decorate, and create your own decorating style. Decorations don’t have to be expensive! There are many affordable choices available. You can get insights from home décor books, magazines, blogs, social media sites, and YouTube channels. Decorate your home in a way that is comfy, calming, peaceful, rejuvenating, and welcoming. Let your home be your sanctuary, a sacred space, where you can meditate, reflect, and rejuvenate. Decorate for festivals, such as Thanksgiving! Decorate for special events or photo shoots!

You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have. (Maya Angelou)

There is no right or wrong in art! Let your inner child take the lead, and let your creativity flow. Learn the rules of art, but challenge them afterwards! Your imperfect technique is what makes your artwork interesting and delightful. Seeking perfection in the process of creating art takes away enjoyment. So have fun! Create as if there were no rules! Create as if you were a carefree child!

Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up. (Pablo Picasso)

It is human nature to want to be understood, accepted, and appreciated by others. Unfortunately, this squelches our ability to break out of the mainstream to produce something extraordinary and unique. Real creative genius doesn’t reside in what is popular, but rather in what defies the established and the norm. Create as if no one were watching. Produce something that speaks to you and you alone. (Brett Blumenthal)

To be creative you must have courage. (Paulo Coelho)

Finally, be courageous enough to share your artwork with others! Display your imperfect paintings at home or on a website! Let your guests take a look at them! You will be surprised to know how many of them actually adore your artwork! There will always be someone who dislikes your artwork though. Be prepared for that and shrug at it. Everyone has his or her own artistic taste and opinion, and it is okay if someone doesn't like your artwork. The process of creating and sharing is not to gain more “likes” or approval from others. It’s just a healthy way to live!

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I create and encourage others to create.

References

Howlett, N., Pine, K., Orakçioglu, I., & Fletcher, B. (2013). The influence of clothing on first impressions: Rapid and positive responses to minor changes in male attire. Journal of Fashion Marketing and Management: An International Journal, 17(1), 38-48. doi:10.1108/13612021311305128

O'Leary, K., & Dockray, S. (2015). The effects of two novel gratitude and mindfulness interventions on well-being. The Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, 21(4), 243-245. doi:10.1089/acm.2014.0119

Sloan, D. M., Marx, B. P., Bovin, M. J., Feinstein, B. A., & Gallagher, M. W. (2012). Written exposure as an intervention for PTSD: A randomised clinical trial with motor vehicle accident survivors. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 50(10), 627-635. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2012.07.001

Stuckey, H. L., & Noble, J. (2010). The connection between art, healing, and public health: A review of current literature. American Journal of Public Health, 100(2), 254-263. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2008.156497

Be Like a Child

Our culture is preoccupied with “maturity.”  If a young person misbehaves, he or she might be told to “grow up!” If a young adult seems to be making frequent mistakes in relationships or in major life decisions, he or she might be called “immature.” 

It is true that we humans gain wisdom and good judgment as we get older. With each passing year, the brain grows and accumulates more wisdom, knowledge, and capacity for good decision-making. During childhood, the brain is naturally a little bit more impulsive. Your brain’s frontal lobes, which help to regulate self-control, keep growing and strengthening well into your 20’s. During childhood, the brain is a little bit like a puppy or a kitten: energetic, impulsive, and easily distracted.

If we were told that our airline pilot, or our surgeon, was 11 years old, I think most of us would be understandably alarmed, even if we knew that this child was a great prodigy! 

So, it is good to be an adult! Adulthood empowers us to make decisions more wisely and safely, and with greater skill.  

But most of us are so focused on our adulthood or on being “mature” that we have lost something very, very important: we have lost our memory of what it is like to be a child! Children are not simply immature adults. Children are not simply impulsive and uneducated creatures who need constant care:

A child is one of the great gifts of life itself. Playing with a child is one of the great joys of life. Caring for a child can be one of the most meaningful things that anyone can ever do. 

But there is much more: it is a deeply wonderful thing to actually BE a child again. Children teach us how to be happy! Learn from observing a child’s simple pleasure from playing on a swing in the park, or from blowing bubbles, or from playing “hide and seek!” Learn from observing how a child is not preoccupied with deadlines, or earning more money, or worries from the latest international news! Learn from observing how easy it is for a child to smile, laugh, and dance! 

As with any lesson, it is not enough just to observe! You must actually practice, and do homework! In this case, you must play on a swing in the park. You must blow bubbles, and play “hide and seek.” You must let go of your preoccupation with deadlines, earning more money, and your worries from the latest international news! You must deliberately smile, laugh, and dance!

According to Ron Gutman (2011), children smile about four hundred times per day! Only about one-third of adults smile more than twenty times per day! Let’s see if we can catch up with the children around us—assuming that we are up for 16 hours per day, that means that our goal should be to have a big smile once every two minutes and twenty-four seconds! Of course, a real child would not be doing this calculation, he or she would just be smiling even more!

Smile; it’s free therapy! (Douglas Horton)   

It is a beautiful way to live, to be playing like a child, having fun like a child, and being carefree like a child. That’s one of the reasons why I love playing with little children: they remind me of how simple and peaceful our world can be. Thank you, little ones!

Over at our place, we’re sure of just one thing, everybody in the world was once a child. So in planning a new picture, we don’t think of grown-ups, and we don’t think of children, but just of that fine, clean, unspoiled spot down deep in every one of us that maybe the world has made us forget and that maybe our pictures can help recall. (Walt Disney)   

The most potent muse of all is our own inner child. (Stephen Nachmanovitch)

Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it. (Roald Dahl)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I let my inner child stay with me, and when I play and smile and laugh just like I did when I was 6 years old! 

Reference

Gutman, R. (2011, March). The hidden power of smiling [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.ted.com/talks/ron_gutman_the_hidden_power_of_smiling

Patience is Love

One of my mentors said, “People who race through life will likely crash.” That inspired me to come up with these thoughts:

Be patient. Patience is love. Patience is one the greatest strengths, but one of the hardest things to acquire. We can all be impatient sometimes.  

Some people have inherited a tendency to be less patient. Others become less patient if they feel depressed or anxious. Others lose their patience when they are coping with overwhelming stress in life, such as relationship troubles, financial problems, and multiple daily frustrations.   

If your patience has been reduced by some or all of these factors, always remember to nurture the patience that you have, and make it a high priority to strive towards greater patience. A disciplined practice of meditation can be a good way to nurture your patience. It may also be necessary to simplify your life, to re-evaluate your values, and to seek help to treat any depression or anxiety that you may be suffering from. 

Patience is a beautiful trait. Be patient when you are waiting in line. Be patient when you are walking behind or walking with an elderly person. Be patient when you are stuck in the traffic. Be patient when people are behaving obnoxiously. Be patient when people don’t understand you. Be patient when people talk. Be patient when you are watching the sky, and waiting to see a meteor! I saw 17 meteors this past year!

Be patient with yourself.

It’s often the process that brings you the most happiness, rather than the results. It is the journey, rather than the destination. 

I think that Olympians really enjoy the competitions and the award moments. But those moments do not last for very long. Their practices take up most of their lives; it is this practice and preparation that could bring them the most happiness, if they choose to allow it.

Try to enjoy the process, and the journey, with patience. Don't waste your experiences by rushing through them! This approach will bring you greater peace, health, and happiness.  

Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast—you also miss the sense of where you are going and why. (Eddie Cantor)

You are not in a competition. Let go of that urgency to get things done. “Those who race through life will likely crash.” Enjoy every little detail of life; pay attention to those flowers, and those leaves. Pay attention to the people who cross your path. Enjoy the hard work that you put into your goals. Appreciate your hardships if you would like. Because one day when you look back, you would admire yourself, and that could potentially give you more courage down the road. Don’t rush and miss out on the most important things in life.  

Little things are the biggest things of all.

The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order… the continuous thread of revelation. (Eudora Welty)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I am patient. 

Make Mistakes

Like many others, I really like The Happiness Project, written by Gretchen Rubin. The author came up with her own “Twelve Commandments.” Her principles are very positive and encouraging, such as “let it go… enjoy the process… lighten up… there is only love…” (p. 11). Rubin’s blog readers also came up with their own Twelve Commandments, such as “spread the joy… stop the venting and complaining… give thanks: for the ordinary and extraordinary” (p. 181).

Interestingly, one of Rubin’s blog readers said, “Make mistakes” (p. 181). That caught my eye. That made me pause and read that sentence again. That made me think, “Wow! How amazing that person is! How courageous that person is! How much wisdom that person has!” Make mistakes. As one of his or her Twelve Commandments. I don’t know about you, but I never liked mistakes. They made me feel uncomfortable; they made me feel embarrassed, and they made me criticize myself. If possible, I would avoid mistakes. But mistakes are part of life. Mistakes mean that you are outside of your comfort zone. They reflect bravery, passion, curiosity, and adventure. So mistakes actually deserve applause. Mistakes must happen because mistakes help us learn and improve. Mistakes give us insights about our direction, or our next step. Mistakes are essential. Mistakes foster growth. Mistakes help us learn about ourselves, teach us moral lessons, and transform us. While they may bring discomfort, they are actually one of the ingredients needed for success, destination, or morality.

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. (Theodore Roosevelt)

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. (Oliver Goldsmith)

A book that I would highly recommend to all perfectionists, all artists, and all people, literally, is Failed It! by Erik Kessels. The author talked about the beauty of mistakes and failure, and how they are just the beginning of successes. Kessels (2016) also talked about confidence being overrated! I agree with him. But from my perspective, I believe that confidence is needed and healthy, in life, in relationships, or at work. Confidence can even enhance one’s beauty! So I think the key is to remain humble. It is humility that helps people learn, improve, transform, and grow. It is humility that stops people from looking down on others or becoming arrogant. It is humility that drives people to help, support, encourage, and serve others wholeheartedly. 

I like how Kessels (2016) illustrated his points with very impressive images. Go ahead and over- or under- expose your photographs! Make them grainy! Or make them blurry! Just do it the way you like your photograph to be! I admire how he gets to the point right away, without having to use lengthy debates. Read his book! Read it and reflect. See how you can apply his ideas to your own life. See your mistakes through a different lens. I am starting to love my own mistakes! 

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default. (J.K. Rowling)

Don’t fear failure… in great attempts it is glorious even to fail. (Bruce Lee)

Don’t give up after making mistakes! Don’t give up after you fail! Keep going, keep learning, and keep trying your best. Keep your spirit high! One day you will appreciate every single failure you have stumbled across. You may then rename them to “blessings” or “inspirations.”

Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly. (John F. Kennedy)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I remind myself that imperfection is just the right way to be.

References

Kessels, E. (2016). Failed it!. London, UK: Phaidon Press. 

Rubin, G. (2015). The happiness project. New York, NY: Harper. 

Add Some Exclamation Marks!

I love going to Chapters! There are so many good books there, which encourage people to read! There are so many fun and positive quotes, which encourage people to “Keep Calm” and take it easy! There are many colourful, fancy, and guided journals, which encourage people to write and express their thoughts on a regular basis! There are a variety of cards, which remind people to write and send a card to someone they care for! Of course, there are the cute stationary and decorations! And oh, the aroma of coffee! There are countless inspirations there! I feel excited, every single time I visit! I find “me” in the store!

Find a store that you love, make regular visits, purchase things according to what you can afford or just window-shop, and don’t forget to bring your excitement—the excitement that children would experience every single time they go to Toys “R” Us or the Aquarium! Life is so much happier when we are able to add a few exclamation marks to a seemingly “normal” routine or event; that excitement would further lead to pleasure and gratitude. Energy is contagious—your excitement can make the people surrounding you happier too!

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I am able to see and experience excitement in simple daily routines, situations, or outings. 

The Past and The Present

Memories cannot be erased. And unfortunately, the negative memories stand out more than the positive ones. That’s how our brains are structured.

One of the techniques in therapy, is to look together with your therapist at some negative memories. While it can help sometimes to reflect together, and feel understood, there is another big reason why talking about past negative experiences can help: if you and your therapist can create a safe, calm atmosphere to discuss these memories, then you will create a new memory! This new memory will be of looking at the past calmly, safely, and with support. This will introduce a way to practice being with your memories in a new way – you don’t have to avoid them, or block them out. You can let the memories come, but when you keep looking at them in this safe, supported environment, the memories will lose their power to harm you or upset you. You will become stronger and more resilient, and you will gain the skill to face your memories calmly. 

Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it. (Excerpt from Lion King, Disney) 

It can sometimes be liberating to physically let go of objects which symbolize painful times from the past. Humans have often created rituals of this sort to help them let go, or to help the grieving process. So if there is an object that you feel ready to let go of, which reminds you of a traumatic time from the past, then it can sometimes help to let it go, such as by adding it to a fireplace or a campfire. It is a symbolic letting go which can make it easier to do the psychological letting go. 

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. (C. S. Lewis) 

You may encounter people in your present life who behave in a negative manner. This could remind you in some ways of negative experiences you had in the past. It is important to practice an empathic stance. Resist the urge to react in a negative way yourself… the most powerful thing to do in these situations is to always practice your empathy, to recognize that in many situations these people are having a bad day, or have had an unhealthy life. With empathy, it becomes easier to shrug your shoulders, and let these situations go. You would also gain peace, which you deserve to have.  

Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not. (Samuel Johnson) 

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I practice having empathy for difficult people and when I practice letting go. 

Your Small Efforts Can Lead to Big Changes

I often hear people say, “We can’t change how the system works!” Or “We can’t change how the nation runs!” Or “We can’t change the world!” 

It may be true that big changes in systems, or nations, or the world, are unlikely, especially with just one person’s small effort. 

But if everyone thinks this way, then where is any change going to come from? 

Over many generations, we have seen many positive changes in the world. There are more democracies. Some countries, such as China, have greatly reduced poverty suffered by their citizens. We have seen great advances in health care, with a resulting increase in life expectancy. The rate of many types of crime has dropped significantly, if we compare with previous centuries. 

One person’s effort usually cannot change a system very much, but every person’s small effort, combined altogether, can potentially change a system.

Here is another reason why a small effort is much bigger and more powerful than it seems: the impact of your small effort is not just to produce a small change in the system itself. The larger impact of your effort is that it will be an act of leadership. It will encourage other people to start making small changes themselves. It can start a chain reaction, where your small effort leads to thousands of people joining in, producing a very big effort!

If everyone were to think that recycling a plastic drink bottle is useless or pointless, then nobody would recycle. Our environment would be more polluted, our landfills would fill up, and our resources would run out.

If everyone were to think that speaking out would not lead to any change, then everyone would remain silent. Oppressors and bullies would continue on their journey, and cause even more harm!  

If everyone were to think that donating to communities suffering from poverty or disaster would not lead to any change, then everyone would keep their money and time for themselves. The poverty and disaster would needlessly continue and get worse, because nobody would be there to help.   

In social psychology, we call this phenomenon “the tragedy of the commons.” This happens when everyone assumes that they don’t have to contribute to the public good. So nobody does contribute, instead everyone just takes. As a result, the public good becomes depleted and disappears. In this analogy, “the commons” literally referred to a shared public field, which farmers could use to feed their cattle. If everyone takes more than their fair share, which is very easy for any individual to do, then the field will soon be depleted and of no use to anyone. But if everyone contributes a little bit, by sharing, and by tending the field a bit, then the field will thrive, for the benefit of everyone. 

No matter how insignificant your effort seems, as long as it is associated with healthy intentions and positive motivations, contribute your work. We need more brave people, with a healthy attitude, to help change or improve our community. Be brave! By making a small effort, you will inspire others to join you in the task of improving the world! 

Be the change that you wish to see in the world. (Mahatma Gandhi)

Words are a form of action, capable of influencing change. (Ingrid Bengis) 

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I contribute my small efforts for the good of others. 

Pay Attention to Your Surroundings!

I have noticed many more interesting things since I got my camera, and started to use it regularly. A photography class is a great way to learn not just about using the camera, but also about how to pay attention and see the beauty which is always around us, regardless of where we are. I have always appreciated the beauty of nature: the beach, the forest, the flowers... But when I pick up my camera, and bring it with me when I go for a walk, I notice many more interesting things that I would have otherwise neglected.

When you take a picture of an interesting staircase, you could appreciate the architect. When you take a picture of the food at your table, you could appreciate the cook, or collect memories of the special people with you. When you take a picture of the ocean, the sky, the sunset, or the trees, you could appreciate the abundance of resources around us! When you look at the cherry blossoms in spring, the sunflowers in summer, the colourful leaves in autumn, the snow in winter… you could appreciate the changes that happen as time moves forward – there is something beautiful in every season, just as there is something beautiful in all stages of life. 

Look for all the positives around you, and be grateful!

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I pay attention to my surroundings and appreciate even the tiniest thing.