Invisible Scars

This is a post about childhood psychological abuse. According to the Canadian Incidence Study of Reported Child Abuse and Neglect (Health Canada, 2008), the most common form of child abuse in Canada is emotional abuse and neglect, followed by emotional abuse and physical abuse. Homes, places where children long for love and refuge, can tragically be the very places where they experience harm. Childhood abuse is the most damaging form of domestic violence because children are the most vulnerable, the weakest to be victimized. Of all family members, the children’s own biological parents, the adults who gave birth to them and are supposed to nurture and protect them, are the very ones who are most likely to be the perpetrators (Department of Health and Human Services, 2005; Health Canada, 2008; Statistics Canada, 2001)—extensive research refutes some Chinese old sayings which glorify all parents: 天下無不是的父母 (“No parents are wrong in this world,”) or 虎毒不吃兒 (“Even an evil tiger would not eat its cub, let alone human parents”). 

Children who are severely and frequently abused, such as being threatened with death, can develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), with symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, dissociation, and heightened anxiety (Margolin & Gordis, 2000; Morrissette, 1999; Perry, 2001). Child mistreatment comes with lifelong repercussions. For example, people with a history of child abuse have a greater risk to develop heart disease and cancer (Dong et al., 2004; Holman et al., 2016). Studies indicate that the detrimental effects of childhood abuse and trauma are often permanent, permeating the victim’s life in every aspect, throughout the lifespan. The child outcomes of abuse are strongly correlated with the duration, the frequency, and the intensity of the abuse, in combination with inborn vulnerabilities which vary between individual children. It is repeated and arbitrary emotional abuse, rather than accidental lashing out, that often causes a child permanent harm (White et al., 1994).

To begin, it’s of paramount importance to address the definitions of emotional abuse, as well as elements of abuse in a narcissistic household (Berger, 1980; Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs; Malkin, 2016; Newfoundlander Labrador; Rothschild et al., 2012; White et al., 1994):

• Gaslighting (labeling a child's normal behaviour or accurate perceptions as being incorrect, bad, or a sign of illness)

• Swearing

• Yelling

• Humiliating, shaming, poking fun at the person to an excessive degree without consent

• Putting a person down

• Making a person feel guilty, worthless, bad about herself

• Making a person think she’s crazy and stupid      

• Denying the existence of the abuse, calling the victim a liar

• Blaming the child for having caused the abuse—claiming to correct the child’s perceived flaws, in order to justify the abuse

• Refusing to admit parental mistakes

• Blaming the child for being the cause of all problems in the household (such as the parents' health problems, work or financial problems, etc. –for example the child may be told "If we get cancer, it's because of you")

• Talking behind the child, gossiping about the child

• Shaming the child in front of family, relatives, neighbours, strangers

• Denying the child’s needs and opinions

• In cases, even in wealthy families, parents may refuse to pay for the child's basic health care, such as dental and optometry checkups, or paying for eyeglasses

• Preventing the child from demonstrating normal emotions, by mocking or scolding

Verbal abuse:

• Using written or spoken language to harm a person

• Calling a person fat, ugly, stupid, crazy, useless

• Name-calling

• Repeated and unjustified verbal abuse is an extremely detrimental form of abuse because—words are one of the aspects of experience which carve, form, and define a child’s self-concept

 Totalitarian and patriarchal practices:

• Treating the victim like a servant

• Being the master of family decision-making, having supreme authority

• Some totalitarian homes can have a parody of egalitarian practices, by insisting that the child expresses simple preferences, such as food choices, hobbies, or even paint colour in their bedroom—but such preferences then get ignored and the choices are made as always by the totalitarian parent. This teaches the child to become passive, resigned, and cynical

 Isolation:

• Controlling who she sees, what she does, where she goes

• Limiting her social relationships with outgroup members

 Financial Abuse:

• Restricting access to money

• Making the child beg for money

• Taking away her money (the most iconic example of this would be literally taking away a child's "piggy bank" with the money the child had saved for years from little jobs or gifts from grandparents, etc.)

• Forbidding her from getting or securing a job

• Threatening to change the beneficiary of a legal will

• Refusing to let the child study or attend school

 Silent Abuse:

• Silent treatment, treating the child as though she’s invisible

• Withholding emotional expression: Edward Tronick et al. (1975)’s still-face experiments indicate that when caregivers deliberately maintain emotionally expressionless faces, the babies wail

• Withholding affection

• Refusing to answer, or ridiculing, a child's question or comment

• Using facial expressions, stares, and either subtly or overtly threatening gestures to imbue fear in the child

Threats and Intimidation:

• Threatening to kill the child

• Threatening to beat the child up

• Threatening to abandon her by sending her away

• Insulting the child by saying she’s worthy of death

• Stating that the child is likely to be raped in the future

Spiritual Abuse:

• Using distorted manifestations of religious beliefs and teachings to judge, manipulate, or harm the child

Cultural Abuse:

• Using distorted understandings of cultural beliefs and teachings to judge, manipulate, or harm the child

Neglect:

• Failing to provide physical assistance for the child whose needs and well-being are utterly dependent on the caregivers (i.e., food, clothing, shelter)

• Inadequate supervision, leaving the child alone

• Refusing to contact a physician to resolve medical and/or psychological conditions

Emotional Neglect:

• Being absent for long stretches of time without any form of communication, care, and affection

• Decreasing parent-child interactions

• Leaving the child to fend for herself when the child is not ready for this

• Feral children, who were deprived of human contact, can have difficulty acquiring language, reasoning, and relationships for the rest of their lives because our biology makeups have time limits—sensitive windows—for humans to acquire skills (Henslin et al., 2010)

 Parentification Abuse:

• Shrinking parental responsibilities and coercing a child to take care of other siblings to an excessive degree

• Role reversal: being insensitive to the child’s emotions and needs, coaching a child to take care of the parents’ needs instead of her own

Narcissistic Households:

• Unhealthy boundaries: inappropriate physical contact, inappropriate comments about appearance

• The family system is authoritarian

• Narcissistic parents tend to have low self-esteem and low empathy

• Narcissistic parents tend to be emotionally immature

• Narcissistic parents can often be rigidly perfectionistic

• Abusive parents tend to be less intelligent than parents who do not enact abuse

• Abusive parents are often hostile, compulsive, depressed, anxious

• Maintaining the family’s reputation is a top priority in narcissistic households, keeping the mess masked

• Narcissistic parents have impaired capacity for introspection and refuse to take responsibilities for their actions

• Narcissistic parents see children as extensions of themselves and promote unhealthy competition by assigning children to different roles

Golden Child:

• Chosen to boost the parents’ egos

• Her successes are praised, her failures are minimized

• Encouraged by the parents to bully other siblings and to feel superior over siblings

• The golden child therefore learns to gain her parents’ approval and exaltation by bullying and by being cruel, acknowledging that in contrast, the scapegoat child gets punished for being kind and empathic

• The golden child, usually, like her parents, has no introspection and therefore remains blind, with deficiencies in empathy.  Such begins the next generation of narcissism and abusive behaviour

Scapegoat Child:

• Chosen to take all the blame for problems in the family

• Problems are projected onto the scapegoat child

• If this child refuses to take the blame, it would lead to more attacks; so the child learns to passively accept the abuse in order to avoid punishment

• Narcissistic parents feel small inside; therefore, they attack the child to make themselves feel big

• The scapegoat child is seen to be the worst, or all bad

• The scapegoat child is punished for her successes or achievements, because they are misaligned with the narcissistic parents’ perception that she’s the worst, or she’s all bad

• Gemmill (1989) suggests that blaming the scapegoat child for all problems can help promote the unity of the authoritarian family, as well it allows the narcissistic parents and family members to think that they are healthier than they actually are

• The scapegoat child is usually the independent child, a high achiever, who strives to be the opposite of what the family says, to unlearn habits through therapy, thereby extricating herself from the dysfunctional family dynamics and establishing stability in emotionality and social relationships

At one point, I wondered, “Why do I have to keep writing about abuse? How come I can’t talk about something more light-hearted?” A dictum says writers don’t get to choose the topics that they write about—instead, their stories find them. We are all appointed to talk about certain topics. I have come to realize that it is my “survivor mission”: I am chosen to talk about child abuse—therefore, nature entrusted me with an extensive knowledge about it—there is nothing else that I know more than abuse.

I am compelled to talk about the effects of child abuse: how devastating it is to experience abuse, to escape, to be affected socially, academically, vocationally, and to encounter a community without much understanding, but with judgment, condemnation, or dismissiveness. In a lot of our stories, there are no open arms waiting for us to come home. After escaping the abuse, there is just another barrage of heart-wrenching events awaiting us—sometimes yet another abusive environment, most struggle financially, and most do not feel well physically and mentally.

Child abuse is a crime. We must take a stance toward injustice because apathy, neutrality, or silence is a support vote for the predator. We must not be bystanders. The bystander effect refers to the notion that a witness simply assumes that the issue—the abuse—is already being dealt with by someone else: the belief is that some other witness is already going to help, so no further action is needed. The trouble is, everyone in the whole group believes the same thing, therefore nobody does anything. We cannot ignore cries for help, or assume that someone else will deal with it. Even if it is too dangerous to intervene directly, it is always possible to do something, such as to call the police or to call a child-protection agency.  As citizens, we are all responsible to report child abuse and neglect immediately, even suspected cases, to the police or to a child protection agency, to help put a stop to child abuse.

Zimbardo (2007) challenges each of us to be a “hero.” His idea of being a hero is to be willing to speak out about injustice, and to be willing to help a person in need, even if everyone else in your group is remaining silent. Speaking up, or assisting others, can be scary, and can require physical and emotional energy—but these actions are brave and noble, and can be part of living a deeply satisfying life. 

Education is a cornerstone of preventing child emotional abuse, and I feel called to help stop or prevent child abuse, and to help those who have experienced child abuse, no matter where they are on their journeys. I wanted to be there for them, in a long-term, consistent, substantial way, and I know, as a therapist, I can provide that foundation for them: to listen, to understand, to provide relief. As a writer, I hope other people with similar experiences can find some resonance, comfort, and relief, just as I did. I hope my impact—and yours—can instill a glimpse of hope in lives, in souls, in spirits. I was inspired by scads of storytellers before me, so I wonder whether my small effort can potentially be an act of leadership, too, starting a chain reaction, inviting other people joining in and speaking out, producing a movement in education about child abuse.

I can’t help but wonder whether writing about this matter can also act as a preventative measure, thwarting parents, some of whom with well meaning, from going down a detrimental path. Parents who have poor preparation for parenthood can sometimes become abusive; I, therefore, encourage all parents or guardians to take a parenting course at a college or university before entering into parenthood. 

There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children. (Marianne Williamson)

No one is all bad. Even Hitler liked children and animals, according to some reports. All abusers go through cycles of being nice and being cruel towards their victims. They are good at camouflaging themselves, and sometimes they might even feel guilty for being abusive, although it would be extremely rare for such a person to acknowledge their bad behaviour or apologize for it. In some cases, abuse of any severity begins with happy times, a “honeymoon period,” followed by a gradual and inevitable build-up of tension, then an explosion into frank abuse, then a phase of apology, gifts, apparent kindness, starting a new “honeymoon” (Hubbard House, 2010). Each spin of this cycle can kindle some hope in the victim that “this time it will be different.” But after many spins of this wheel, the victim can lose hope of the abuse ever ending, and further can lose the capacity to be optimistic in general. It is a recipe for chronic despair or “learned helplessness.” This cycle can occur at different intervals in different households—sometimes the honeymoon and abuse cycles can be weeks or months apart. In other families, the abuse would return in some form daily—“honeymoon” periods might only last hours, rather than days or weeks. 

To learn more about abuse and trauma, please visit the following page:

Affirmations: I enrich my life when I learn about abuse. I enrich my life when I help and support survivors of abuse.

References

Berger, A. M. (1980). The child abusing family: I. Methodological issues and parent-related characteristics of abusing families. American Journal of Family Therapy, 8(3), 53-66.

Department of Health and Human Services. (2005). Child maltreatment 2003. Washington, DC: Government Printing Office.

Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs. Wheels. Retrieved from https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/

Dong, M., Giles, W. H., Felitti, V. J., Dube, S. R., Williams, J. E., Chapman, D. P., & Anda, R. F. (2004). Insights into causal pathways for ischemic heart disease: Adverse childhood experiences study. Circulation, 110(13), 1761-1766.

Gemmill, G. (1989). The dynamics of scapegoating in small groups. Small Group Behavior, 20(4), 406-418. 

Health Canada. (2008). The Canadian incidence study of reported child abuse and neglect (CIS).  Retrieved from https://cwrp.ca/sites/default/files/publications/en/CIS-2008-rprt-eng.pdf

Henslin, J. M., Glenday, D., Pupo, N., & Duffy, A. (2010). Sociology: A down-to-earth approach (5th ed.). Toronto, ON: Pearson Allyn and Bacon.

Holman, D. M., Ports, K. A., Buchanan, N. D., Hawkins, N. A., Merrick, M. T., Metzler, M., & Trivers, K. F. (2016). The association between adverse childhood experiences and risk of cancer in adulthood: A systematic review of the literature. Pediatrics, 138(Supplement 1), S81-S91.

Hubbard House. (2010, October 15). The cycle of abuse. Retrieved from https://www.hubbardhouse.org/the-cycle-of-abuse/

Malkin, C. (2016). Rethinking narcissism: The secret to recognizing and coping with narcissists. New York, NY: Harper Perennial.

Margolin, G., & Gordis, E. B. (2000). The effects of family and community violence on children. Annual Review of Psychology, 51(1), 445-479. doi:10.1146/annurev.psych.51.1.445

Morrissette, P. J. (1999). Post-traumatic stress disorder in child sexual abuse: Diagnostic and treatment considerations. Child and Youth Care Forum, 28­(3), 205-219.  

Newfoundland Labrador. Defining violence and abuse. Retrieved from https://www.gov.nl.ca/vpi/about/defining-violence-and-abuse/

Perry, B. D. (2001). The neuroarcheology of childhood maltreatment: The neurodevelopmental costs of adverse childhood events. In K. Franey, R. Geffner, & R. Falconer (Eds.), The cost of maltreatment: Who pays? We all do (pp. 15-37). San Diego, CA: Family Violence and Sexual Assault Institute.

Rothschild, Z. K., Landau, M. J., Sullivan, D., & Keefer, L. A. (2012). A dual-motive model of scapegoating: Displacing blame to reduce guilt or increase control. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 102(6), 1148-1163.

Statistics Canada. (2001). Family violence in Canada: A statistical profile. Canadian Center for Justice Statistics.

Tronick, E., Adamson, L.B., Als, H., & Brazelton, T.B. (1975, April). Infant emotions in normal and pertubated interactions. Paper presented at the biennial meeting of the Society for Research in Child Development, Denver, CO.

White, J. M., Larson, L. E., Goltz, J. W., Munro, B. E. (1994). Families in Canada: Social contexts, continuities, and changes (3rd ed.). Toronto, ON: Pearson Prentice Hall.

Zimbardo, P. G. (2007) The Lucifer effect: Understanding how good people turn evil. New York: Random House.

A Prayer for the World 2.0

I have been a spiritual person throughout most of my life. I went to a Catholic kindergarten school as well as a Catholic elementary school. I volunteered at different Christian churches when I was an adolescent. I cannot abandon my faith now no matter how much science and history I know, due to familiarity, loyalty, and commitment.

Science investigates; religion interprets. Science gives man knowledge, which is power; religion gives man wisdom, which is control. Science deals mainly with facts; religion deals mainly with values. The two are not rivals. They are complementary. (Martin Luther King, Jr.)

I personally believe in what Martin Luther King, Jr. said. Religion and science do not have to be “rivals.” They can be “complementary.” My faith is healthy for me, but I understand that faith itself is not for everyone. I respect everyone’s choices.   

I do not think that it is healthy to read the Bible as though it was a textbook or instruction manual about morality, especially if you interpret the text literally instead of figuratively. Religious texts contain many contradictions, as well as violent, brutal stories. Biblical reading in a narrow or literal context could trigger fear, guilt, shame, or discomfort, even when there are numerous moral stories and scriptures which can provide comfort and peace.

I call myself a liberal Christian, who believes in science, accepts LGBTQ+ people, and supports women making their own decisions about their bodies, especially when they are not ready to provide care for their offspring. As a therapist whose speciality is helping survivors of abuse, it is important for me to educate clients about contraception. Planned pregnancy is healthy for the family, the society, and the world. Children without healthy parental love and care are much more likely to suffer. Giving women the right to take care of their bodies is essential to public health, and is a component of reducing all future health problems including physical illnesses, mental illnesses, and suicide.   

I provide counselling to people from all cultural or personal backgrounds and orientations, listening to them, supporting them to grow on their journeys, and providing them unconditional positive regard. The most challenging type of client for me would be someone who has been emotionally abusive to their children. I recognize that for such a person to reach out for help with a therapist, it is an opportunity for hope and grace, not only for the client but for me. Those instances in which an abuser, possibly with my help, can apologize, make amends, and work earnestly on positive change for themselves and their family, represent something close to the divine grace which I hope is the grounding element in my personal faith. Unfortunately for the world, very few perpetrators of severe abuse ever reach out for help with a therapist. 

One of the great parables of Jesus is about the “Good Samaritan.” For me, this parable represents one of the overarching messages of the entire New Testament: A Good Samaritan doesn’t discriminate. A Good Samaritan is a neighbour who is willing to show respect and care to people having different cultures, backgrounds, or beliefs. In today’s world this would include not only literal “outsiders” such as refugees or immigrants, but also other cultural “outsiders” including those with different beliefs or orientations. Such “outsiders” could live among us not only in different parts of our neighbourhoods or countries, but within our own homes as well. Sometimes our own loved ones can feel like outsiders, and they would be in need of a Good Samaritan right at home. 

A pivotal message that I believe all Christians need to learn is to practice genuine kindness, empathy, and compassion, not because we need to earn salvation or accumulate credits, but because we love God. A love of God need not be considered simply a commitment or obligation to an external divine figure, it could be understood as participating and feeling the gift of divine joy through the intrinsic goods of practicing kindness, empathy, and compassion.

The mere presence of a kind person influences other people around them positively. Kindness even shines through people's faces.

For to see your face is like seeing the face of God. (Genesis 33:10)

You know how when you find somebody who you know is in touch with the truth, how you want to be in the presence of that person? (Fred Rogers)

True kindness exists. It is tangible, you can feel it when you are around a kind person. It is evident in every area of that person's life. I hope that you and I can strive to be like that, so that we may see the face of God in each other. 

Kindness needs to be practiced consistently and persistently. It is like a commitment. A muscle that needs and wants to be exercised. We need to provide long-term care for people in need, especially victims of abuse. Kindness becomes a lifestyle, a natural way of being, an intrinsic joy and a way to both feel and radiate the love of God. 

In politics, religion can sometimes play a big role in a country. But just as in an abusive family, religious texts can be distorted and used as tools of harm in the hands of a authoritarian or narcissistic abuser. Ironically, many of the great themes in the Bible concern the human tendency to become hypocritical, or for people of faith to slip away from their core values. People of faith can become “lost in a desert,” sometimes without the insight to recognize just how lost they have become. Leaders (political and religious) can become Pharisees—masters of quoting or deploying particular rules, but having lost the deeper principles of love and compassion which underlie the rules. Jesus taught that there are transcendent rules, of love and compassion, which superseded others—for example, one important story in the life of Jesus is about breaking rules about the Sabbath in order to help people, even at risk of being judged. 

In terms of group membership, I fit just right within my group of loved ones, with whom I feel a belonging I am eternally grateful for. But I don’t fit perfectly with any other group. I am either not liberal enough, or not religious enough. I don’t mind. I have never found existing groups like that which suit me well. I have a few close friends who are open-minded and spiritual, and I feel blessed to have them in my life. I believe in kindness, compassion, and unconditional love, and that is the language that I would like to speak for the rest of my life.  

The Parable of the Good Samaritan

25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

(New International Version Bible, 2011, Luke 10:25-37)

I would like to recommend a video by Megan Phelps-Roper (Phelps-Roper, 2017).

I find her inspiring, her message a ray of hope and wisdom so very important to approach many of the problems going on in our world today. She grew up in an extremist religious community notorious for its hateful attitudes and behaviour, and for many years she was an advocate for this group. But in time, she discovered people outside the group who treated her with respect, patience, and kindness, and were willing to engage in true dialogue despite the offensiveness and extremity of her views. It took a lot of time, but these engagements with others holding beliefs so different from her own at the time, allowed her to finally escape from this community and cultivate a happy, healthy life while helping others facing similar challenges.  

Her approach and her message embody the spirit of Christian ethics: showing compassion, respect, and humility with others, including those who may be very different from ourselves, and including those who may treat us with hostility. In doing so, we are able to truly connect and heal difference. It is a remedy for the polarization and conflict in our nations and in our communities. It reminds me of my approach to psychotherapy as well: the process requires patience, time, attention, and open-mindedness, couched in a spirit of compassion and curiosity. Phelps-Roper (2017) also emphasizes the importance of making a strong argument for your position, as an essential component of change–this is similar in psychotherapy, it is like the work we do in cognitive therapy or the insights we might have in psychodynamic therapy. But in order for any such argument or logical debate to be effective, we must first build up rapport through patience, understanding, and respect.  

Meliorism: the belief that the world can be made better by human effort. (Author Unknown)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I practice compassion, and when I am willing to connect respectfully and humbly to others who have different beliefs or backgrounds than my own, prior to making a strong logical argument about moral issues.        

References

New International Version. (2011). BibleGateway.com. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2010%3A25-37&version=NIV

Phelps-Roper, M. (2017, February). I grew up in the Westboro Baptist Church. Here’s why I left [Video]. TED Conferences. https://www.ted.com/talks/megan_phelps_roper_i_grew_up_in_the_westboro_baptist_church_here_s_why_i_left?subtitle=en

Social Comparison

According to the social comparison theory, suggested by psychologist Leon Festinger, we evaluate ourselves through comparing ourselves to our peers: we compare such things as intelligence, wealth, and attractiveness. Social comparison is inevitable and is part of human nature.

Upward comparison refers to comparing ourselves to people who are better than we. Downward comparison refers to comparing ourselves to people who are worse than we. Many studies have shown that both types of comparisons have pros and cons. I encourage you to acquaint yourself with the various complex and conflicting findings about this topic.

When It Gets Out of Hand

While studies show that our brains have a strong tendency to compare ourselves to others, social comparison can get out of hand and become excessive.  

People who engage in upward social comparison can feel inadequate, or inferior to their peers, to a point where they refuse to move forward in life or to try new things. These emotions can lead to a cycle of unhappiness, even jeopardizing people’s identity.

Sometimes, comparison can lead to the emotion of jealousy and even the act of bullying. People who feel insecure about themselves see that others are better than they, and some of them decide to go around bullying others.  

People who are bullied, as a result of others’ comparison and jealousy, need encouragement to be strong and to maintain healthy self-esteem:

Jealousy is the best compliment. (Author Unknown)

Never hate the people who are jealous of you but respect their jealousy because they’re the ones who think that you’re better than them. (Author Unknown)

能受天磨真鐵漢，不遭人忌是庸才。

Unfortunately, many people are deeply and negatively affected by bullying.

I have come to realize that a lot of people have stored bitterness in their hearts, as a result of different adverse or unfair life experiences. And that bitterness cannot be contained; therefore, it spills over into their speech, facial expressions, thoughts, attitudes, decisions… sometimes, they are not aware of that. Hurts, pain, and sorrow all need to be dealt with in a therapeutic manner… otherwise, every decision in life is directed by that stored and trapped bitterness, which would not lead to peace and joy.

Human Nature

Social comparison is part of human nature, but we must learn a healthy way to compare ourselves to others. We can argue that there are many things in life that are part of our human nature, including anger, hatred, and jealousy. In therapy, we know that we cannot reject these emotions, but instead we need to discuss them, express them, and learn to manage them. But with time, perhaps a lengthy period of time, the final goal is to manage these emotions constructively, instead of letting them grow continually in us day after day, or even turn them into harmful actions. Similarly, we do not need to reject social comparison. We can acknowledge that we compare ourselves to other people. But finally, we do need to manage social comparison so that we are not preoccupied with it in a destructive way.  

Can Social Comparison Be Good For You?

Research says yes.

While downward comparison can increase our subjective well-being, the motives behind such comparison can be unhealthy. If we need to see someone else doing badly in order to feel good about ourselves, it shows a weakness in our self-esteem and also a lack of respect for others. 

The healthier approach to downward comparison is: “There are people who are less fortunate than I am; I feel grateful for what I have, and I would like to give what I have, to help other people, and to lift them up, so that we can all feel good about ourselves!”

青出於藍, 而勝於藍

The blue dye, 青, extracted from the plant, 藍, has a deeper colour than the plant

Meaning: the student, taught by the teacher, outperforms the teacher, or people surpass their predecessors 

The greatest teachers (the “plants”) would not only want their students (the “dye”) to do well, but to surpass themselves!

Upward comparison can motivate us to do better. When we acknowledge that we have a growth mindset and we learn from others who are more successful than we are, we can improve ourselves. Sometimes we don’t even need to “improve ourselves”: we can simply appreciate someone else’s talent or success. If we enjoy a great artist, musician, or writer, we don’t necessarily need to then attempt to become a great artist ourselves… we can accept the talents and skills of others as a joy of nature, and we can even carry on enjoying our own more humble talents and skills.

Let’s always remember that no matter how much we achieve, there is something that we don't have, but other people have. And there is something that we have, but others don't have. To spend our lifetime comparing ourselves to our peers and feeling inadequate or jealous would be an endless and unnecessary burden. In reality, there is no end of comparison.

I strongly believe that when we reach the point of healthy self-worth, we would not spend too much of our time and energy comparing ourselves to other people. Instead, we would shift our focus, and be intrinsically motivated to improve ourselves and help others improve themselves too.

Schadenfreude

If other people suffer, especially those who have harmed us in the past or those whom we feel jealous of, and we derive pleasure from their misfortune and feel better about ourselves as a result of that, what good can come from this type of happiness? Such happiness is temporary, and it would probably lead to the feeling of guilt. How can we let other people’s suffering be the foundation of our happiness? How can such happiness be pure and long-lasting? To derive pleasure from people’s misfortune often originates from bitterness, low self-worth, or the inability to genuinely forgive others. 

Perhaps we all have a good guy and a bad guy inside of us.

Maybe all of us have a battle within ourselves; some may have a bigger battle, while others may have a smaller battle. We do not need to fear the bad guy or even pretend that the bad guy does not exist. What we have to do is to let the good guy be in charge, and learn ways to tame the bad guy so that it doesn’t get much of a chance to direct our speech and behaviour, or make life decisions for us.

Self-improvement

When it comes to self-improvement, I always strive to focus on myself because I know that we are all gifted in different ways. I want to be myself: recognize my strengths, expand the areas that I am good at, be creative, and find my own path. I try my best, and I leave the rest.

I am in competition with no-one. I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone. I just aim to improve, to be better than I was yesterday. (Author Unknown)

We may engage in social comparison now and then. But as with everything in life, if we do not find it helpful or healthy, we do not have to play with the idea, and we must practice stepping away from it.   

Mediocrity

There is a lot of competition nowadays in everything from academics to sports to performing arts, such as music recitals. Sometimes a focus on achievement, and a commitment to strive even in the context of failure could lead to an unhappy perfectionism, and a larger failure to appreciate the joy and meaning of the activity itself, such as learning, playing on a team, or playing music for self and others. So I think that purposefulness even in the context of some kind of mediocre performance is vital as a life skill. It is great to strive for excellence, but greater still to strive to share meaning even with modest technical skills. 

I think the therapeutic answer to this is to encourage a view of life in which we can humbly accept aspects of ourselves which are mediocre without becoming angrily threatened by challengers who exceed us in some way. That is, to develop a grand sense of sportsmanship in life, where one can be polite and gracious, yet self-respecting and happy, even when your competitor is beating you in a game!

Many therapy clients might have a similar problem, of envying others who are more successful in life, academically, professionally, socially, etc.; a common pathway is for such a client to stew with resentment, and then to feel worse and worse with time. A more therapeutic pathway is to help that person celebrate their special role in the world, in spite of, or even because of, those parts of themselves which might be mediocre.

The Positive Side of Social Comparison 

If we have compared ourselves to other people, we would realize that there are many people in the world who are just as talented or accomplished or attractive as we are, or even better than we are! Such realization can help us remain humble.

You are special, but you are not the only special one!

井底之蛙 

A frog at the bottom of a well has only a limited view of the sky.

This is a Chinese idiom that conveys the idea that boastfulness or ignorance is often caused by a limited perspective, and unhappy life circumstances.

Only frogs in the well would think that they are “the best” because they have lived in the well for too long. But if they were willing to climb out of the well, they would see that the real sky is unlimited.

Any award or position or wealth that you have acquired could also be acquired—or exceeded—by other people. People may have accomplished similar things in the past. Other people may accomplish similar things in the future. You can be a prodigy and excel in one area or many areas in life, but there must be an area that you are not good at, or an area in which you require others’ assistance or guidance.

Be humble. Humility is good for you, for other people, and for the world.

We can rejoice in each other’s success and support each other.

We do not have to be competitors. We can be allies—or better still, one humanity.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I strive for personal growth and self-improvement, while respecting and admiring the achievements of others. 

Persuasion

Sharing our stories and opinions can help us obtain justice, equality, and freedom. Even though we may feel very upset about the many injustices in life, we have to acknowledge that only love can solve problems. Hate cannot.

We have to manage anger, so that we can talk about difficult matters in a well-balanced way.  When stories and living situations affect us on a personal level, it can be very difficult to remain calm and logical. Sometimes it is healthy to take a step back to look at the big picture. And sometimes it is essential to talk with other people who strive for peace and justice, so that we can encourage each other along the way.

If we would like to help people make positive changes, we need to develop understanding first. We need to do a lot of listening, which requires our effort to put aside our own stories, and just focus on the person sitting in front of us. The other person needs to feel understood.

No matter what the situation, if we can help people talk about their concerns and their feelings, and really listen to what they tell us, we are letting them know we care deeply about them. (Fred Rogers)

Trust and rapport must come before advice. Trust needs to be built with time, consistency, understanding, and common ground. Finally, before giving any advice, we need people’s consent to do so.

Nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. (John Gottman)

However, when imminent danger or harm is involved, advice needs to be given promptly. Even then, our demeanour must remain calm and rational.

If our purpose is to help people and communities improve, we cannot simply vent our anger. Truth can still be presented accurately when we use a respectful voice. And when we do that, people get to hear what we have to say, and they may start to contemplate. If our voice is not calm and respectful, it is unlikely that we will persuade anyone who doesn’t already agree with us.

To really be of help to others we need to be guided by compassion. (Dalai Lama)

For most of us, we can easily develop compassion for the people whom we love and understand deeply. We need to extend that love and deep understanding to people or communities who are enemies, or opponents, before we can help influence them.

It is not enough simply to wish that love and compassion grow within us. We need a sustained effort to cultivate such positive qualities. (Dalai Lama)

It is hard work… especially if our opponents have done harm to us, to our loved ones, or to our community. It is all too easy to slip back to anger, frustration, sadness, and hatred. It takes time and practice to be able to communicate about and communicate with our opponents in a gentle, respectful tone of voice.

Without understanding, we cannot help change any person, let alone a community. Change is never easy. If we are passionate about helping people make positive changes, we need to practice understanding, patience, tolerance, respect, and compassion.

How can we stay calm and logical? It can help to talk to other people who strive for peace. It can help to read about the lives of great peacemakers. And it can help to learn the historical stories of our opponents. Once we can develop understanding, compassion can easily follow. So learn their stories. Learn their cultures. Learn their histories. You may gain some valuable insights, which can help you let go of any strong feeling. And you may come up with constructive plans that can help influence other people in a positive manner.

You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips. (Oliver Goldsmith)

Childhood & Therapy

I encourage all of us to learn more about human rights and human suffering. In particular, take time to hear the stories of those who have survived child abuse. This can become a foundation to more deeply understand other problems in relationships, families, communities, or nations. 

The effects of child abuse involve many layers of suffering. Every case is different, but at the same time, every case has some similarities. To ignore the effects of child abuse can lead to a whole range of unwise life decisions and behaviours later on.

The happiness of childhood, the calming of a child’s fears and the healthy development of its self-confidence depend directly upon love. (Dalai Lama)

Our genes, upbringing, experiences, politics, and society can all play a role in shaping our minds, beliefs, and manners. However, I strongly believe that each of us has a choice to be a respectful and kind person no matter where we came from and what we have been through.

People who have survived abusive childhoods may need therapeutic support in order to grow healthily. Without an experience of loving, consistent care in childhood, it can be hard to develop the loving, caring part of ourselves unless we have some extra help.

Movement towards resilience doesn’t happen in isolation. Nor is it linear or neat. It’s messy work, with healing emerging through community and solidarity. (Kristen Lee)

If we can imagine what it is like to live someone else’s childhood, maybe we can all develop love and compassion easily, even if that person behaved harmfully in the past. If we have mastered this type of understanding and let go of our anger, we can practice seeing even a country as a “person.” Every country has its “childhood,” and most countries have been through wars or other traumatic struggles. We can be good citizens of our country, if we have empathic understanding of our country’s history. Some countries have been through so much turmoil that they have a sort of large-scale traumatic injury as well as “personality issues.” For some, without having fully healed from their wounds, they exclude, control, or attack others… perhaps subconsciously thinking that these tactics could protect themselves or help them rise. Yet, of course, this type of behaviour prevents others from liking or supporting them.

If a victim of abuse behaves kindly, it becomes easy for us to develop compassion. But what if a victim of abuse behaves rudely or abusively?

The divine instruction of Christian theology to “love your enemies” is much easier said than done. It is important to strive to love our enemies: this is one of the keys to world peace. If we can all practice understanding a person’s or a community’s or a country’s “childhood,” then maybe loving the people who have done harm to us can become possible.

Loving our enemies is an abstract idea, which requires a long debate from all different angles to explore its meaning. I can only share my brief opinion here. I think loving our enemies refers to the idea that we do not attack our opponents, and we do not treat them the way they treated us. We can seek justice, but in a peaceful and rational way. We can take our time to work on letting go of hatred and nurture forgiveness instead. We do not have to like them; to say that we like them may be a bit naïve and deceptive… because if we actually like the people who practice abusive, discriminatory, or exploitative behaviour, we lose our values, and we are not standing with justice or the victims of injustice. But when our enemies are truly remorseful, sincerely apologize to us, and make real amends, we may accept them and support them to change.

Imagine a person who was once mean to you. But imagine that they are now attending a therapy session with you. Imagine them telling their childhood stories, in a therapeutic setting. This could help your anger to dissipate. Sometimes, people who have done harm may not have self-awareness, and they may insist that they have no problems at all. This could be understood as a resistance in their therapy, which needs to be managed through patience, empathy, and strict boundaries.

In this analogy, it becomes difficult if we were to slip back and focus on the harm that they did to us again. Having a history of negative life experience does not make it okay to harm others.

Do what you can, and do not expect immediate results. Change requires everyone’s small efforts all combined together, over long periods of time.

Psychotherapy

I encourage all of us to go to psychotherapy, to develop a deeper and more accurate understanding of ourselves, and to strive to live a healthy life. Therapy can help us use our own willpower, diligence, and kindness to refuse living a life that harms other people or ourselves. Previous unhealthy patterns can be unlearned, though it takes a lot of our time and effort.

Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetime’s work, but it’s worth the effort. (Fred Rogers)

The following is a link to a very good article about psychotherapy (Manotas, 2016). Psychotherapy is not only for relieving psychological symptoms, but also for developing inner discovery.  

All these ideas are beautiful, but putting the ideas into action is challenging. I encourage all of us to keep trying to develop compassion for all people. Compassion can help us stay calm, make wise decisions, and enable positive changes.

Be a kind and compassionate person. This is the inner beauty that is a key factor to making a better world.  (Dalai Lama)

Mr. Rogers

What if we could all talk like Mr. Rogers?

Maybe we could then help persuade and change many “tough guys!”

I wish I could have watched Mr. Rogers’ Neighbourhood when I was a child. But it’s never too late! Whether you are a child, an adolescent, or an adult, I encourage you to watch videos of Mr. Rogers! The following is a link to a 10-minute video called The Best of Mr. Rogers (Best of Humans, 2017).

His legacy can truly live on if we learn to be a bit more like him… to develop and nurture a heart of gold. 

The values we care about the deepest, and the movements within society that support those values, command our love. When those things that we care about so deeply become endangered, we become enraged. And what a healthy thing that is! Without it, we would never stand up and speak out for what we believe. (Fred Rogers)

When I say it’s you I like, I’m talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed. (Fred Rogers)

… the most important thing is that we are able to be one to one, you and I, with each other at the moment. If we can be present to the moment, with the person that we happen to be with at the moment… that’s what it is important. (Fred Rogers)

To continue your reading and learning about this very important subject, I encourage you to have a look at this wonderful article by Sean Malone: The Power of Making Friends with Ideological Enemies (Malone, 2017). 

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I strive for peace, in my community, in my home, and in my own mind. 

References

Best of Humans. (2017, March 26). The best of Mr. Rogers [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSbYQz3rluM

Malone, S. (2017, September 7). The power of making friends with ideological enemies. Retrieved from https://fee.org/articles/making-friends-from-enemies/

Manotas, M. A. (2016, February 15). You need therapy, but not for the reasons you might think. Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/you-need-therapy-but-not-for-reasons-you-might-think-0215164

The High Cost of Parents and Children Living Apart

This article is inspired by a very good documentary film, called China: Generation Left Behind (ABC News, 2016). The documentary is about rural Chinese children, whose parents leave them in order to work in big cities.

I encourage you to watch this documentary.

It may be an economic necessity for parents to find work far away from their children, but the film shows us the terrible social and personal cost of this practice. In the West, it has long been recognized that children can suffer when their parents are overly absorbed in their work. In China, this problem often involves geographic separation of parents and children. 

The documentary shows a societal problem that needs to be addressed. While the system may be flawed, the problem also addresses personal and cultural problems in the families and parents: why would so many working parents neglect their children? Why would they refuse to contact their children on a regular basis? With today’s technology, they could have easily communicated with each other with internet messages, phone calls, or written letters.  

Having contact with a child only once every few years is a form of neglect. While it is helpful and necessary for parents to provide financial support, children also need their parents’ presence, attention, physical touch, emotional support, empathic listening and understanding. These gestures of love and care are necessary in order for children to survive and thrive healthily!

This type of neglect does not only happen among the Chinese people living in poverty, but also in middle-class and wealthy families. We know that many Chinese children from wealthy families are sent overseas to study abroad, and some of these children may get to drive a luxury sports car and even live in a big house. However, many of these parents neglect their children studying abroad, without providing a healthy degree of emotional support and care. All the luxuries cannot compensate for the lack of parental attention! Many of these children long for parental understanding and care, and many of them have experienced emotional trauma and have suffered immensely despite having abundant financial support. This suffering leads to poor emotional health. I also believe that this pattern leads to poor emotional health in the parents too… they do not get to enjoy their children. Children are precious gifts! 

The pattern of parents earning money for the household without spending much time and energy to care for their children is a norm among many Chinese people. They often believe that this is something normal, and that children must learn to cope well and develop understanding for their parents. 

This documentary depicts the trauma among the Chinese children who experienced neglect. Their tears and helplessness call for our urgent attention to facilitate education and support.

China is Changing

On a positive note, there are more and more documentaries in China which promote healthy parenting and family unity, including in multi-generational families. There is also higher acceptance of different types of family structures.

Many of these parenting documentaries often feature very young children, such as infants and preschoolers. These young children can hardly monitor their own actions very much, and sometimes they would have tantrums or other behavioural problems even when there are cameras all around them. The parental reaction to this misbehaviour is a good reflection of the overall parenting style.     

When parents demonstrate a healthy, authoritative parenting style, many Chinese viewers express admiration and praise. When parents demonstrate authoritarian or indulgent parenting styles, many Chinese viewers are also able to identify the problems of such parenting styles and express the need for changes.

An authoritative style of parenting involves having clear rules, which are gently and consistently enforced. It also involves showing empathy, warmth, and nurturance. It involves a lot of positive feedback and encouragement, based on specific observations of behaviour and hard work. It involves constructive guidance, explaining to children about the reasons for any parental actions. It involves encouraging the child to have a voice. It involves encouraging the child to express and discuss emotions. It does NOT involve a focus on criticism or punishment.

Studies show that a healthy authoritative parenting style is associated with positive child outcomes. Children have different temperaments, and it is the parent’s job to learn the child’s temperament and adjust the parenting techniques. The idea of authoritative parenting is just a guideline, but the actual application of this type of healthy parenting style is like an art —it requires our wisdom and some careful experimentation to put it into practice.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I develop understanding of social problems, raise awareness of social issues, and provide constructive help for people in need.

Reference

ABC News. (2016, September 7). China: Generation left behind [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yw4sODY_lWQ

Be Kind to Yourself

Be kind to others, but also to yourself!

One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself (Rubin, 2015, p. 352).

Research suggests that cultivating your own joy and happiness has benefits not just for you, but also for others in your life. When we are able to move beyond our own pain and suffering, we are more available to others; pain causes us to be extremely self-focused. Whether the pain is physical or mental, it seems to consume all of our focus and leave very little attention for others (Dalai Lama, TuTu, & Abrams, 2016, p. 62).

If you have depression, it may be hard for you to “be happy.” If you have experienced abuse, sometimes it may be hard for you to know your own worth, to value yourself, or to take good care of yourself. You may not know how to set healthy boundaries, to protect yourself or to stand up for yourself, and to live a happy life. Or your boundaries may have become too rigid—this leads to difficulty trusting other people, and to other negative effects on your relationships with others. It takes time to heal, to learn, and to improve. Seek help from a therapist and persist with treatments. In the process of treatment, be kind to yourself too! There is help, and there is hope!

Make your own recovery the first priority in your life. (Robin Norwood)

When you are healthy, happy, and physically and emotionally stable, you can give your best to others and make other people feel happy and content. So be your own lover! Find creative, interesting, or even romantic ways to make yourself smile! Pamper yourself once in a while! Have a sweet and caring relationship with yourself. This helps maintain healthy well-being.

Self-talk

We all have dialogues with ourselves: to think things through, to weigh the pros and cons of decisions, and to evaluate others and ourselves. But sometimes we could look too closely at ourselves and become too self-critical! People who have self-esteem issues or a history of abuse may sometimes have a very cruel view of themselves. During those times, what I would encourage people to do is to read the following affirmation and meditate on it:

I remember all the bitter thoughts that crossed my mind, words that came out of my mouth, and actions that I did. I remember all the mistakes, embarrassment, or even regrets in my life. It wouldn’t be fair if I only focus on my weaknesses though. So I deliberately think about my strengths as well. I recall all the compliments and encouragement that I have received in my life. I acknowledge my gifts and talents. I feel proud of my accomplishments. And I remember all the sincere and appreciative words and gestures that people have given me. Now, I look at both sides. I acknowledge that my strengths and weaknesses are both part of me. No one is perfect. I am imperfect. I choose to embrace both sides of me. I choose to like both sides of me. I will not let my past or my flaws hold me back—everyone is changing, including me! I forgive myself. I am able to work hard to improve myself, and I work hard to maintain those parts that I like. Even if I am sometimes too tired to do this work, I know that I am a good person, that I have value, and that I will do what I can with the energy that I have. And finally, I make peace with myself.

Remember, everyone deserves love, respect, and kindness, including yourself!

It is normal to encounter some people who dislike you, or who may treat you unkindly… if this happens, brush it off and move on. Don’t join the people who dislike you or judge you harshly. Try not to believe in words spoken by people who are embittered.

Join the people who love you dearly and sincerely! 

Do not speak badly of yourself. For the warrior within hears your words and is lessened by them. (David Gemmell)

Body Image

Sometimes, we can develop a distorted or perfectionistic view of our body image. As a result, we may criticize our body too much, sometimes using disrespectful or even nasty language.

Our relationship with our body is like any type of relationship: the relationship thrives not because it is completely perfect, filled with only positive interactions. There are enjoyable times, but also unpleasant times.  In order to maintain a good and healthy relationship with a friend or a family member, we do need to tolerate arguments or disagreements sometimes, and focus more on what we value in the relationship or in the person. 

Developing a healthy relationship with our body requires acceptance of our perceived imperfections, as well as appreciation of the parts that we like about ourselves. Treat and talk to your body as though your body were your loved one. If you have body image issues, there are many therapeutic, evidence-based exercises that can be helpful. Improvements do not happen overnight, but with time and practice, you will come to realize that you are able to love and embrace your entire body and your entire self. You may even come to realize that your perceived imperfections are just right for you. 

One of the things that I recommend to any person is portrait photography in nature. Take artistic photographs of yourself! You can hire a professional photographer, or you can learn how to become a self-portrait photographer yourself.  

Being the subject of a photo shoot allows us to express ourselves, generate self-awareness, learn about mindfulness, and develop self-acceptance.

Nature has wonderful healing properties!

The experience could lead to a feeling of love and gratitude for nature. The final products, which are the photographs, remind the photographer and the subjects that their work together had created these unique sets of photos. This collaboration, creation, and celebration of goodness and beauty, is the foundation of art.  Reviewing the photographs can help us acquire a positive, reflective, and accepting perspective of our physical selves.  

Actualize Your Potential

When you spend your time and energy putting yourself down, ruminating on your past mistakes, feeling jealous of others, envying other people’s achievements, or showing off your things, you take away your limited time and energy which would be better used to actualize your potential and to live out the purpose of your life. You are special, unique, full of wonderful gifts and talents! You don’t have to look at what other people are doing; you can focus on your own life, discover your own gifts, and strive to live up to your potential, no matter where you are on your journey now. Don’t let jealousy and envy disrupt your peace of mind. Fight to become the person whom you like.

Embrace Yourself

You are precious. 

You are loved.

You are enough. 

Choice, not chance, determines your destiny. It’s up to you to decide what you are worth, how you matter, and how you make meaning in the world. No one else has your gifts—your sets of talents, ideas, interests. You are an original. A masterpiece. (Regina Brett)

Affirmations: I enrich my life when I ensure that I treat and communicate with myself kindly. I enrich my life when I accept and love my whole self.

References

Dalai Lama, Tutu, D., & Abrams, D. (2016). The book of joy: Lasting happiness in a changing world. New York, NY: Viking.

Rubin, G. (2015). The happiness project: Or why I spent a year trying to sing in the morning, clean my closets, fight right, read Aristotle, and generally have more fun. New York, NY: Harper.

Coming Out

“Coming out” is a term used to describe people of the LGBTQ+ community disclosing their sexual orientation or gender identity to others. The process of coming out can be extremely stressful, involving risks, stigma, oppression, discrimination, or shame.   

I have always believed the term “coming out” should not only be reserved for people of the LGBTQ+ community, but also for victims of emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual abuse.

I have also believed the term “coming out” should be applicable to all people who have been through war, exile, harassment, assault, rape, bullying, or discrimination based on their age, sex, gender, race, sexual orientation, social status, religious belief, physical disabilities, or mental health issues.

In fact, maybe “coming out” could refer to sharing any authentic part of ourselves which had previously been kept secret or hidden. Sometimes we all can hide important parts of ourselves and our experiences, in such a way that it limits our freedom and joy of life. 

The common factor with all these “coming out” situations is that there could be a fear of being judged negatively by others, if the truth or the stories were known. So people have historically dealt with this fear of judgment by staying silent. Such silence, however, is harmful to all of us, and is harmful to society itself. It is healing and liberating for individuals, as well as for all of society, to speak the truth.

Telling people your true stories of difficult life experiences and showing people who you really are can be stressful; it could involve risks, stigma, oppression, discrimination, or shame. But these painful memories, stories, or scars are part of you, part of who you are. You do not have to be silent. You do not have to hide yourself and your own stories. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Be brave enough to let people know who you are.

Suffering is our Common Ground

I have stumbled across a Youtube video, which I find moving and encouraging (DeGeneres, 2017). A very short clip of Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, and Michelle Obama—exchanging purely positive energy!

Listen to the way they talk to each other, listen to their words… is there a tiny little bit of jealousy there? No!

Any fear of their friends achieving greater accomplishments than themselves? No!

They lift each other up, encourage and support each other, embrace each other wholeheartedly, and wish each other well sincerely! What do you see in their smiles? Do they have healthy self-esteem?

All of them have been through hardships, in their own unique way.

But they have chosen to use their adversity as an asset to help other people.

One of the most amazing things about human suffering is that it can have the potential to help us understand each other, develop compassion for each other, and connect us to each other. All human suffering, if we have wisdom and open-mindedness to interpret them, shares common ground. This could be considered an “existential” idea—for this reason, Existential Therapy is one of my favourite therapies. And promoting equality and humanity is of paramount importance!

Healthy self-esteem is not attained only when a person has fame and wealth. Some people who have wealth, fame, luxuries, education, or a respected profession can still have very low self-esteem and can still have so much bitterness that they treat others unkindly and do not wish other people well!

Healthy self-esteem is a choice, made by your humility, self-awareness, disciplined hard work, and willingness to be guided by genuinely kind and compassionate people.

Be Brave

By protecting your abusers, violators, and bullies, due to personal, familial, cultural, or religious values and beliefs, you suffer. By burying the truth, healing is hindered. By denying your pain, you pass on brokenness to the next generations or to other people.

When you keep things on the inside, the weight of it can hold you down. (Iyanla Vanzant)

Do not be silent! Come out and speak the truth!

It requires a great deal of courage, strength, and self-esteem to share your difficult stories, or to tell people who you are.

By sharing your stories, not only are you empowering yourself, but you are also empowering other people, encouraging other people to do the same, leading to less stigma, discrimination, shame, oppression, and violence, but more understanding, compassion, equality, freedom, and love!  

There will be people who respect you, admire your encourage, support you, cheer you on, and actually feel motivated to join you!

There will also be people who laugh at you, discriminate against you, condemn you, doubt you, or oppress you. In the video, we learn that Oprah and Ellen received a lot of hate mail and even death threats (DeGeneres, 2017)! Try not to focus too much on the people who lack understanding, compassion, and support; sometimes it takes a while for people to develop understanding, and sometimes, there are people who choose not to develop compassion for you, for other people, and even for themselves!

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. (Mother Teresa)  

The strongest actions for a woman is to love herself, be herself, and shine amongst those who never believed she could. (Author Unknown)

I was once afraid of people saying, “Who does she think she is?” Now I have the courage to stand and say, “This is who I am.” (Oprah Winfrey)

If there is anyone on your journey who tries to shame you, rest assured that there are other genuine, compassionate, and kind people standing by you, supporting you fully, and cheering you on. Do not let negative behaviour from others hinder you from living a healthy, happy life! You deserve love, respect, and kindness!

The process of “coming out” can be scary, nerve-wracking, unsettling… but being able to accept and come close to your true stories, and letting people know who you are is therapeutic. In cases of abuse or trauma, the negative stories may become part of identity, sometimes in a very unwelcome way. But by sharing these stories courageously, the adversity can lose its power to define your identity. Your identity need not be one of an “abused person,” but rather it can become up to you to define… abuse or trauma may be part of your story, but as long as it is not kept secret or bottled up, it doesn’t have to have a damaging effect on your identity.   

I encourage you to take one step at a time, and start sharing your stories with one or two of your close confidants who have shown you trustworthiness, understanding, respect, and compassion. Working with a therapist in the process can be immensely helpful; sharing with your therapist is already a kind of disclosure, and therapy offers understanding, support, and healing.

Remember, you are the one in control: when you would like to tell people your stories, how you would like to talk about them, who you would like to disclose your stories to, or how much detail you would like to go into are all under your control. Treat yourself with gentle care and compassion. Listen to your heart above all other voices. Know your limits and try not to let your sharing become too overwhelming. Share it only when you are ready, and start sharing with the people who are genuinely compassionate and open-minded. You are not obligated to tell everyone all of your stories.

Be courageous and be kind.

Let your light shine: it is never, ever meant to be dimmed.

Your whole calling is about you being who you were meant to be…. You would not be who you are… you wouldn’t have been able to open hearts, and touch hearts, and change people’s minds, and make a difference in the world had you not had the courage to do that. And 20 years ago, you had no idea it would put you in this seat. (Oprah Winfrey said to Ellen DeGeneres)

 Live a life that says: “This is who I am.”

The science behind revealing our stories and telling people who we are

Studies show that people who have written about their trauma exhibit improved physical health and reduced visits to physicians. Writing about traumatic experiences can prompt people to discuss the details of their trauma with others, which in turn lead to improved social relationships. When people keep their traumatic experiences secret, they are more likely to be socially isolated and to suffer alone, leading to lessened ability to cope with the traumatic symptoms (Pennebaker & Graybeal, 2001; Sloan, Marx, Bovin, Feinstein, & Gallagher, 2012; Stuckey & Noble, 2010). 

If you are interested in writing about your trauma or other difficult life experiences, there are books that can help you start, such as The Story You Need to Tell: Writing to Heal from Trauma, Illness, or Loss (Marinella, 2017).

Liberation & Balance

There are many reasons to communicate about past traumatic experiences. By sharing, and “coming out,” with a person whom you trust, it can allow you to feel more free. The events from the past will then have less power over you. And you will be less alone with your memories. 

Sometimes, we can become immersed and preoccupied with our negative memories. This is something to watch out for: remember, a goal of sharing your story is to be more free, to empower yourself, and to empower others! Be careful not to let the frequent sharing of your story become something that only makes you ruminate, or makes you feel more trapped in negative memories. So, we must strive for balance as well as openness. Sharing, and “coming out” with our painful stories, may also allow us the freedom to also “come out” with our joys, our talents, and all other parts of ourselves. 

How you tell your story can keep you wounded and stuck, or it can help you grow in understanding. (Iyanla Vanzant)

May Your Voice Be Kind  

Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for 27 years, but he did not come out of the prison with bitterness. Instead, he transformed his adversity into kindness, humility, peace, wisdom, and positive changes for his country!

Practice using a calm, peaceful tone of voice and transform your adversity into kindness. In the process of sharing, may you search for meaning and purpose, practice gratitude and forgiveness, and embrace faith and hope.  

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison. (Nelson Mandela)

No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite. (Nelson Mandela)

Love

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, said, “As it happens, I did most of my work for no money at all, in clinics for the poor” (Frankl, 2006).

I admire him, for his love, courage, and wisdom.

During the Holocaust, Frankl was a prisoner in concentration camps. He wrote Man’s Search for Meaning, which was first published in 1946, based on his experiences and observation of other fellow prisoners’ experiences (Frankl, 2006). I think Frankl’s work is an act of great leadership—to guide us, through personal example, how to approach suffering and adversity by nurturing hope while developing our values and inner strengths. I think his own personal experience of unbelievable suffering makes his message unbelievably deep and persuasive, as though his own voice is like the voice of a million people. His book itself, and the story of how it was created, is part of his own therapy! I love therapeutic ideas where the therapist can lead by personal example.  

Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true. (Viktor Frankl)

As a psychotherapist, I believe it is not the most fancy skills, techniques, and assessment tools that heal, although it is important and interesting to learn about them. Love and unconditional positive regard are the essential healing components in therapy. It is love that heals.

Compassion, kindness, and forgiveness shall not only be reserved for people whom we love, but also for our enemies, abusers, bullies, people who do not like us, and people whom we do not like.  

One of Paul Bloom (2016)’s points, in Against Empathy, is that maybe we don’t have to like or love people who do us harm, but we do have to manage our anger or dislike in a peaceful way, so that we do not get drawn into an escalating cycle of aggression or even violence. I think, though, that the idea of “love” is exactly that: “love” in the agape, or the Christian sense, suggests an attitude of peacefulness, tolerance, and self-control, even with people whom we do not like or who do not like us. 

The latest brain scan research suggests that we have a rather binary understanding of self and other and that our empathy circuits do not activate unless we see the other person as part of our own group. So many wars have been fought and so much injustice has been perpetrated because we’ve banished others from our group and therefore our circle of concern (Dalai Lama, Tutu, & Abrams, 2016, p. 183).

Loving the people who love you is easy. Loving the people who have done harm in your life, or whom you do not appreciate is not. But it is possible, and not only it is possible, it is healing, transformative, and liberating. I am no different from the people who do not like me or whom I do not like, if I were to refuse practicing compassion and forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not only happen under the condition of bullies, abusers, or violators apologizing sincerely, making amends, or participating in restorative practice. Some people are resistant to reflect on their problematic behaviour and make positive changes in their life. When these people are not sincerely remorseful and apologetic, it may not be safe or healthy to be physically or emotionally close to them. But forgiveness, developing compassion for them, striving to do no harm to them, as well as letting go of hatred and anger is still possible. 

To be able to love your enemies requires time, disciplined effort, and sustained practice.

Love heals.

May we always choose love, no matter where we are on our journey and no matter how hard it is… love for all humanity.

Equality Reduces Violence in the World

Stephen Pinker (2011)’s book, The better angels of our nature: Why violence has declined, reviews a huge body of evidence showing that historic rates of violence, in almost all its forms, were proportionally orders of magnitude higher the farther back in history one goes. With this violence, obviously there was a much lower degree of wellness in all its forms. Part of his thesis is an examination of causes for reductions in violence, and an examination of causes for why violence still persists.

Pinker (2011) has his own generalized list of features of a healthier community associated with reduced rates of violence, including having freedom of speech, free trade (which transforms “zero sum” situations of aggressive looting into “win-win” situations of mutual cooperation), a cultural emphasis on empathy and cooperation rather than chauvinism, and especially an emphasis on universal education (particularly with equal access for men and women) to foster reason, communication, and understanding of others. His evidence is quite compelling, in a lengthy survey encompassing thousands of years of human history. He also adds an argument with some evidence-based support, that there has been selective pressure in recent centuries,  towards a decline in aggressiveness in human populations: quite simply, aggressive, violent, impulsive behaviour is found to be much less attractive or permissible in a mate in the modern age, compared to hundreds or thousands of years ago.  

In my pursuit, as a psychotherapist, to help increase wellness, I think the same principles apply as those which reduce societal violence: encouragement personally and politically to have better education, improved equality for all, and an economy which is based on fairness with a global view. 

Life

Life is filled with pain and struggles, but also surprises and happiness.

In the midst of suffering, we can learn to derive meaning from it, and we can also continue to embrace all the wonderful things in the world, such as spending time with our loved ones, journaling, reading, listening to music, drinking a cup of rooibos tea or brown rice green tea (my recent favourite beverages), exercising, being in nature, painting, enjoying our fashion style, savouring sweet memories, smiling, and even laughing!

You are allowed to feel sad and shed tears, but you are also allowed to feel happy and laugh, no matter what you have been through in life! Being able to smile or laugh, even when you are surrounded by arduous experiences and memories, is a sign of resilience.

Life is like a movie; there are comedies, tragedies, a mix of both, and boring movies which are neither joyful nor miserable. As long as you play your part to the fullest, your movie is a good one. (Tong King Sum / 唐景森)

I wish you freedom. I wish you peace. And I wish you healing.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I “come out,” speak the true stories of my life, and let people know who I am.

References

Bloom, P. (2016). Against empathy: The case for rational compassion. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

Dalai Lama, Tutu, D., & Abrams, D. (2016). The book of joy: Lasting happiness in a changing world. New York, NY: Viking.

DeGeneres, E. [TheEllenShow]. (2017, April 28). Oprah and Ellen remember the history-changing 'coming out' episode [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZyodLr-4oY

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man's search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. Boston, MA: Beacon Press.

Marinella, S. (2017). The story you need to tell: Writing to heal from trauma, illness, or loss. Novato, CA: New World Library.

Pennebaker, J. W., & Graybeal, A. (2001). Patterns of natural language use: Disclosure, personality, and social integration. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 10(3), 90-93. doi:10.1111/1467-8721.00123

Pinker, S. (2011). The better angels of our nature: Why violence has declined. New York, NY: Viking.

Sloan, D. M., Marx, B. P., Bovin, M. J., Feinstein, B. A., & Gallagher, M. W. (2012). Written exposure as an intervention for PTSD: A randomised clinical trial with motor vehicle accident survivors. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 50(10), 627-635. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2012.07.001

Stuckey, H. L., & Noble, J. (2010). The connection between art, healing, and public health: A review of current literature. American Journal of Public Health, 100(2), 254-263. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2008.156497

Your Smile

When people at my workplace smile at me, when people at the bank smile at me, or when strangers smile at me… they really brighten up my day, and I journal it, as one of the items in my gratitude journal!

Being observant of your surroundings is healthy and meaningful. Listen to the sounds that you are hearing, smell the scent of the flowers and trees, feel the pleasant breeze blowing through your hair, look at the flowers and trees in a very deliberate, mindful way, pay attention to children walking jubilantly on the sidewalks, pay attention to elders and see if they need help to open the door, and pay attention to people who cross your path and smile at them!

Your smile releases a cascade of neurotransmitters and hormones in your brain, which can help you reduce stress, generate positive emotions, improve your health, appear more attractive, and live a longer life (Abel & Kruger, 2010; Golle, Mast, & Lobmaier, 2014; Lane, 2000)!

Smile; it’s free therapy! (Douglas Horton)     

Your smile is contagious; when you smile at others, it is likely that they will smile back at you (Hatfield, Cacioppo, & Rapson, 1992).  Your smile, although it may seem like a small effort, is literally an act of kindness; you are passing on kindness and making the world a much more beautiful place!

To all the nice people, thank you for smiling at me and brightening up my days! :) 

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. (Mother Teresa)

Make someone smile whenever you can, you never know how much of a difference you could be making in their life at that moment. (Author Unknown) 

Smiling at a stranger with eye contact that lingers and says with no words, “I see you” and “They truly see me!” Then the smile isn’t just polite anymore; it’s real. The whole world seems to pause and what was once rushed gets remembered. (Julia Monroe)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I smile! 

References

Abel, E. L., & Kruger, M. L. (2010). Smile intensity in photographs predicts longevity. Psychological Science, 21(4), 542-544. doi:10.1177/095679761036377

Golle, J., Mast, F. W., & Lobmaier, J. S. (2014). Something to smile about: The interrelationship between attractiveness and emotional expression. Cognition and Emotion, 28(2), 298-310. doi:10.1080/02699931.2013.817383

Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. T., & Rapson, R. L. (1992). Primitive emotional contagion. In M. S. Clark (Ed.), Emotion and social behaviour: Review of personality and social psychology (pp. 151-177). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

Lane, R. D. R. (2000). Neural correlates of conscious emotional experience. In R. D. R., Lane, L. Nadel, G. L. Ahern, J. J. B. Allen, & A. W. Kaszniak (Eds.), Cognitive neuroscience of emotion (pp. 345-370). New York, US: Oxford University Press. 

My Personal Reflection

Happy spring, everyone!

Since 2017, I have been doing a lot of cleaning, decluttering, organizing as well as completing a little room makeover. It is refreshing! I have also planned a few projects in my life. I feel grateful that I have had a fantastic start this year. I hope you have too!

This post is going to be about insights that I have gained from my ordinary experiences. I have always loved storytellers; they have inspired me significantly. I see them as brave people who are willing to share a part of themselves with us, as a means to encourage or to inspire or to deliver a positive message. It can be nerve-wracking to share parts of yourself with an audience, an audience that is not always kind and accepting, but if you perceive that the act of sharing may help encourage others—even just one person—you would do it regardless.

My Blog

If you are reading this blog post now, thank you!

I have had this blog for 9 months now. I do not know how other bloggers start, but in my case, I accumulated my insights, ideas, knowledge, writing, photography, and artwork during a four-year period, before I finally started publishing online. When I gathered the first parts and published it last year, it was a dream come true.

Since then I have created more artwork, inspired by more life experiences and readings, and written many more new blog posts. I feel immensely thankful. In particular, I feel thankful for people coming up to me in person and telling me that they have read my blog and like it very much! It’s encouraging. It’s like a painter who would like to showcase her painting, or a movie director who wants people to go to the theatre to watch his movie. Knowing that people actually view your artwork is an indescribable joy. I am far from being a great writer, but I would love to keep writing, keep practicing, and keep improving. Having the opportunity to create the way I want in my “therapeutic garden” is a blessing.

I acknowledge that my writing, my artwork, and I as a person cannot please everyone. I have touched on a lot of sensitive topics in my blog. My intention is a sincere wish to bring awareness and to talk about subject matters that many people do not have thorough understanding about. As well, I would like to touch on topics that people may feel scared to talk about.

Is it scary? Yes, it is, but I am doing it anyway. I feel grateful for my knowledge, my culture, my experiences, and my encounters with many different people—they are all integrated in my writing.

I believe many of us can resonate with the following quote:

It is not found in books,

They are merely maps.

It is buried deep

In experience. (Janine Canan) 

It is not either education or experience, but the integration of both. It is also having open-mindedness to actively apply what you learn from books and your stories and other people’s experiences to your life.

Over the years, I find it fascinating how integrating all of my knowledge and experiences, and other people’s experiences, can answer a lot of philosophical questions. The process of growth and development, although difficult and confusing at times, can be a very intriguing and mind-opening experience.

We can probably all agree that a person’s age or a person’s occupation may not always be an accurate reflection of a person’s mastery and understanding of life itself. Oftentimes, it is adversity that helps us grow and gain wisdom that cannot be obtained otherwise.

Darkness deserves gratitude. It is the alleluia point at which we learn to understand that all growth does not take place in the sunlight. (Joan D. Chittister)

I see adversity as a powerful “encyclopedia”—it reveals all the connections between all beings and the law of nature, and it allows you to understand human suffering and problems, or human existence, in such an immensely intricate but deeply meaningful way.

If we choose to use it wisely, adversity is an asset, not a burden.

It is often in the trail of adversity that we learn those most critical lessons that form our character and shape our destiny. (Dieter F. Uchtdorf)

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. (Bruce Lee)

I feel thankful for people who support and encourage me all along. I received an encouragement from a loved one recently, and after hearing what she said, I have all the more reason to keep writing!

If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try. (Seth Godin)

It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave. (Mandy Hale)

A goal should scare you a little, and excite you a lot. (Joe Vitale)

When your thoughts are presented out there, people get the opportunity to criticize you or judge you even more than if you were to remain in the background. However, I tell people who are socially withdrawn this: whether you speak or remain silent, there will always be some people who will criticize you.  So would you like to remain silent for the rest of your life, or would you like to live a life that you want? Would you like to speak your mind, do what you like, and live a healthy, happy life? Choose freedom!

I agree with many speakers, writers, bloggers, activists, and advocates—we write or talk not because we are perfect or want to present ourselves as above everyone else. We write or talk because there are so many beautiful, healthy, loving principles that we would like to live by and work on, together, with you!   We strive hard to “walk our talks,” but at that same time, like each of you, we are not perfect, and sometimes we fail. That makes us human…  together, we will discover many more healthy ways to live a good life, and we will encourage each other along the way!

There are still many topics that I would love to write about. I feel excited for this little project that I have. And there are more projects that I would like to pursue in the near future. Working as a psychotherapist is already one of them, which makes me feel at peace.

My Work as a Therapist  

I have had my private practice for 6 months now.

There was a delay in getting started with my practice, which at the time felt like a very frustrating disappointment, but I have long let go of any negative feeling about this. Indeed, I now feel grateful for this experience. It makes me appreciate my current situation so, so much more! And now I always have a little story to tell (Thankfully, my beloved grandfather also had a chance to listen to it before he died)!   

Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations. (Author Unknown)

Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better. (Steve Maraboli)

Fortunately, when I decided to set up my private practice, I did not have to wait very long before I started seeing the first few clients—just a bit over a month! Then after working for two months, I moved to a new office. Looking back on it now, I realize how lucky I am, and how everything really happens for a reason!  

Thank you, to all the kind individuals, who genuinely encouraged me and sincerely wished me well! I even have a little bit of gratitude for those who discouraged me, because I think this helped me own my decision strongly. A bold decision made without unanimous support needs to be made with the full force of your will and autonomy. Finally, I thank myself: for my courage, hard work, patience, and perseverance.    

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step. (Martin Luther King Jr.)

A mentor said to me: “It is your calling.” Another one of my mentors reminded me that it’s a blessing to be able to find a career that you sincerely love! Oftentimes, people may say that being a psychotherapist is such a challenging, stressful job, and it can be. But I can’t tell you enough how much I love my work, and how much meaning I find in being a psychotherapist.

When I see clients taking positive steps in their life, growing, managing difficult life situations, or having positive relationships in life… I am deeply moved by it…

Agape is the term that comes to my mind—an ancient Greek word, describing the highest form of love. To be able to provide quality care to clients, offer long-term psychotherapy, help people with financial difficulties… are some of the reasons why I chose private practice in the first place. I aspire to keep practicing kindness in my work and in my life. I feel grateful that I can call my job my life.

There are times that I worry about my clients too—I think every good therapist would experience that at some point in their career. I try to do what I teach: I pray, meditate, journal, and engage in many other healthy activities to manage my worries. To me, case notes and treatment planning are some of the things that really help me as a therapist—I assign a certain amount of time to reflect and to get prepared. Just like life, we can’t always prepare for everything; we also have to act in the moment! I have grown to love coming up with an analogy or an insight on the spot that could potentially be helpful… it is like art… my work allows me to be creative and meaningful at the same time. 

It is my commitment to treat all my clients, no matter what their problems are, with gentleness and patience, kindness and compassion. Sometimes I challenge my clients, when there is good rapport and when a safe, supportive environment has been built. I realize that there are many techniques and many different styles of therapies that therapists utilize and clients find helpful, and I also acknowledge that a lot of scenarios can really test our patience, but my personal style is not to scold or to get frustrated, but to listen compassionately, guide gently, and wait patiently. And if I make a mistake in the therapy room, I am always ready to apologize and make amends.

I do not know what the future holds for me. But what I know for sure is that I will be serving other people for as long as I live, in whatever way that I can. And no matter how small my efforts are, I believe little acts of kindness can help others feel uplifted, motivate them to externalize and pass on kindness, and multiply goodness in the world.

 If you also find passion, meaning, and peace in your work, be grateful!

Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life. (Wayne W. Dyer)

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered, “Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. (Confucius)  

The quote above is attributed to Confucius due to the following Chinese phrase: 知之者不如好之者，好之者不如樂之者。 The translation may be slightly different, and well, sometimes, we can’t always know who said, wrote, or interpreted a good quote. As long as it is a quote with wisdom, I think the author of it is not that important.

If you don’t enjoy your work, discuss with a trusted individual whether you would need to change your job, manage your stress, change your attitude, or figure out whether there are underlying issues affecting you.

Continuing Education

I believe many of us would consider ourselves as lifelong learners, which is such a beautiful way to live. Whether you are learning a language, learning how to play a musical instrument, learning a new hobby, learning about history, politics, environmental issues, religions, etc., or learning more about yourself, I applaud your hard work and dedication.

When I encounter speakers who help strengthen my passion, books and studies that inspire me to apply wonderful ideas to life, insights that I derive from my own writing, or feedback from mentors… I feel grateful that I am a learner. The process of learning is a very humbling and stimulating process. It makes life interesting and meaningful.

I hope we can all keep learning from each other.

The greatest leaders, the most wonderful characters whom I have known often say that they are still learning, and not only that, they tell you that they are learning something from you! They are unbelievably humble. They don’t boast about themselves: their intelligence, kindness, and achievements are all self-evident. They praise other people, and they lift other people up—consistently! That’s what real leaders are like!

True leaders don’t create followers, they create more leaders. (Ziad K. Abdelnour)

If you are in a leadership position, and if you are willing to have a sincere and humble attitude of learning from your clients, students, peers, workers, or members, you would not only be an exceptional leader, but also a growing person yourself.

Lifelong learners are humble and do not consider themselves as all-knowing, which is one of the healthiest, happiest ways to live.

Humility helps you appreciate and experience life in such a deeply moving, extraordinary way. It helps you grow, learn, and change for the better. It brings you healthy relationships in life, and people respect you sincerely.

I would love to keep being a learner!

Hobbies

I have always had a busy schedule throughout most of my life. Not only do I have responsibilities and goals, I also like to spend much time listening to or helping other people. I had just started volunteering to visit elderly patients in a hospital setting last month, which is a meaningful experience for me. I admire many elders’ courage, positivity, and resilience—they are inspiring, people whom we can all learn from!

Sometimes, people are surprised to know that I still have time for myself, for my hobbies! I spend much time reading and writing, taking and editing photographs, exercising, doing art, learning new things, etc.  When people see my paintings or photography work, they ask me,   “How do you still have time for these leisure activities?”

To me, hobbies and interests are not simply optional things in life! They are mandatory! They are basic necessities to live a healthy life! They are not something that I will only do when I have time.   I make time for them. They are part of my life, because they are the things that give me peace, energy, and confidence, which will help me achieve my goals much more effectively!

Take time to do what makes your soul happy. (Author Unknown)

Confidence, Setbacks, and Goals

I strive to maintain my confidence, even when times are hard.  Sometimes it is difficult to remain confident, but my confidence is something that has helped me tremendously whenever I encounter setbacks in life. My confidence helps me stay calm, think rationally, find opportunities, or change paths. I do not feel devastated. And my confidence or a sense of security does not just come in one day—to me, I have worked hard for it, a little by little over the past decade. By sharing this, I would like to encourage you to also build your confidence—it takes time, courage, and practice. Building confidence requires gentle care and guidance.

Building healthy self-esteem is not equivalent to arrogance; it requires an integration of humility and self-acceptance. It involves open-mindedness to be willing to see your flaws or weaknesses, challenge yourself, and make positive changes. There is always room for improvement! Be humble and be brave. Compete with yourself, not with other people! It also involves knowing yourself very well and nourishing the core, positive parts of yourself without changing them just to be liked or to be accepted by others.   

 Don’t let anyone define you. You define yourself. (Billie Jean King)

It takes time to come to a point where you can shrug at how people treat you, what people think about you, or what people say behind your back. So if you are not there yet, be patient or seek help!  

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don't let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. (Steve Jobs)

How would you like to spend your time and energy?

I would not like to spend my time, my energy, or my life focusing on people who do not treat me well or do not think or speak kindly about me.

I would like to spend my time and energy on improving my life and other lives. I would like to spend my time and energy on people who love me and are genuinely kind to me. I would also like to try to make my visions and dreams come true. That’s how I would like to live my life! I feel immensely grateful for the life that I have.

We can focus on all that we don’t have, or we can focus on all that we do have.

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough. (Oprah Winfrey)

While I am pretty sure that I have that “gratitude gene,” my grandmother is the one who always likes to remind me to thank God for my life. I always say, “Yes… I know… I always do…” but I still love her reminders.

It is healthy to give credit to our own hard work to come to where we are today; studies show that the emotion of pride can help us persevere in difficult tasks (Williams & DeSteno, 2008). But at the same time, it is equally important to always be humble and grateful! If we can find a healthy balance between confidence, humility, and gratitude, we can learn, grow, and flourish healthily!

There are and there will always be challenges or setbacks in life. But there are many healthy, positive routes to take, as well as beautiful and kind traits to practice. Having a healthy self-esteem is one of them! And together they will bring us all to beautiful destinations.

Start Now!  

Sometimes, people may see a person with confidence, accomplishments, or doing well in certain aspects of life, as something that just happened by luck! They feel jealous of that person, or come up with some negative conclusions of how that person succeeded.

What we often forget is that people’s accomplishments do not usually happen in one day. Every achieved goal or dream or positive trait requires time (often years and years of time), hard work, patience, perseverance, and perhaps a little bit of luck, but rarely just luck alone!

Luck is preparation meeting the moment of opportunity. (Oprah Winfrey) 

Be it a peaceful mindset, a positive outlook of life, a fulfilling life, healthy self-esteem, a home, a degree, a career, or other goals, you can achieve it, if only you also put effort into it, be patient, and work hard for it.

I think it is important to be willing to explore and find out a good fit between your strengths and your career or dreams. Also, having social support is one of the greatest gifts in life. It will certainly help you achieve your goals and dreams in a much more desirable way than if you had no support.

Appreciate, admire, or praise other people who can do it, or who are ahead of you—they put a lot of effort into making it happen, and they persevered. Instead of feeling jealous of them, learn from them!

Even if there are examples of people who may have unfairly come upon good fortune, it is important not to pay too much attention to these stories… stories of success born out of good fortune alone do not give us any moral or inspirational lesson. It is the stories of success born out of commitment, love, and hard work that give us inspiration and admiration. Focus on these stories instead!   

Looking forward to what the future holds can make life very interesting.

You don’t need to have it all figured out to move forward. (Roy T. Bennett)

Affirmations: I enrich my life when I build my confidence in a healthy, constructive way. I enrich my life when I turn setbacks into opportunities. I enrich my life when I love my work. I enrich my life when I appreciate my past, stay in the present moment, but also look forward to the future!

Reference

Williams, L. A., & DeSteno, D. (2008). Pride and perseverance: The motivational role of pride. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(6), 1007-1017. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.94.6.1007

Seeking Justice

Do you have any regret in your life?

I like to interpret regrets as lessons learned, but if I really had to tell you my one regret, it would be: I did not stand up for myself when I was bullied, discriminated against, and treated poorly when I was a child all the way up to my early 20s.

A lot of people misunderstood my kindness, gentleness, or quietness as foolishness.

Soft and kind hearted people are not fools. They know what people did to them, but they forgive again and again because they have beautiful hearts. (Author Unknown)

When I was younger, I seriously thought that forgiveness meant “turning the other cheek.” I thought forgiveness was just being silent. I thought forgiveness was waiting for justice to happen someday, sometime, somehow!

I was wrong.

Forgiveness is not remaining passive and allowing other people to harm us continuously! Forgiveness requires teaching other people to stop their poor behaviour, which would not only help them but also us. This requires our courage to stand up for ourselves and speak up for ourselves, in a legal, peaceful, rational way.

In the past few years, I encountered a few incidents where friends told me that I could actually file a legal complaint, against the inappropriate behaviour that I received. I did not file any legal complaint, not because I was timid or scared, but because I already took action and stood up for myself in an assertive and legal way.

I have also stood up for others when they were being bullied or discriminated against, and I have seen that if only one person is willing to stand up, to speak the truth, to protect the victim, or to do something constructive, the bullying can stop, and the harm can be diminished substantially.  

Until the great mass of people shall be filled with the sense of responsibility for each other’s welfare, social justice can never be attained. (Helen Keller)

I am committed to keep pursuing justice for myself and for any other person. If standing up for myself, or standing up for others, requires me to be involved with lawyers, police officers, or other advocates, I would go the extra mile to do what is needed, with the wish to see justice happening.

In an ideal world, restorative justice is what we would all want to see and experience. Unfortunately, we do not live in an ideal world, and so we cannot always see justice. This is to be expected. But this should not deter us from pursuing justice.

The intention of pursuing justice is not to win! The intention of pursuing justice is also not necessarily to receive an apology or to receive monetary compensation!

The intention of pursuing justice is really to help ourselves and others: being assertive and setting healthy boundaries not only helps us live a healthy life, but it could also help others change for the better and hopefully live a healthy life too. The intention of pursuing justice is to present and validate the truth! If the legal system cannot bring justice, at least there are other people who will know and believe in the truth.

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. (Desmond Tutu)

If any of my poor experiences were to ever happen to a client of mine, or to a loved one, I would strongly support and encourage them to stand up for themselves.  In fact, I would encourage them, if necessary, to present their issues in a very formal way, as a case to be assessed by a human resources professional, or by some other type of advocate.

I would wish to keep following my own advice.

Equality is very well-served by assuring a policy where all workers, all clients, all students, all members of a group, and all people, are treated with respect and fairness, and where they would never have to deal with discrimination, harassment, bullying, or any form of rude behaviour.

I will keep trying my best to “walk my talk.”

I will also keep trying to empower myself and others, because that’s one of the ways to pursue justice.  

Thank you, to the courageous souls who have supported me on my journey, and who have helped me validate the truth.

I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. (Elie Wiesel)

Sometimes, when we are trying to seek justice, there will be others who discourage us or try to persuade us that it is futile. But the quest for justice is a healthy process unto itself, even if sometimes the desired resolution is unlikely to be achieved. 

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. (Martin Luther King Jr.)

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. (Proverbs 31:8-9)

You must do the thing you think you cannot do. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

It always seems impossible until it’s done. (Nelson Mandela)

Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. (Steve Jobs)

Act boldly and unseen forces will come to your aid. (Dorothea Brande)

Don’t fear failure… in great attempts it is glorious even to fail. (Bruce Lee)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I pursue justice in a legal, peaceful, rational way, for myself and for other fellow human beings.

Forgive Others

Forgiveness is not easy.

Forgiveness is being able to let go from your heart, truly and genuinely.

If you have experienced war, exile, abuse, assault, bullying, discrimination, dishonesty, dehumanizing or rude behaviours from others… you know that it’s not always easy to just forgive.

But forgiveness is possible.

Forgiveness is therapeutic: it gives you freedom and inner peace. Forgiveness is strength. Forgiveness has the power to heal and transform.

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. (Jonathan Lockwood Huie)

Here is a brief but challenging exercise:

Imagine having the same life circumstances as a person who has done harm to you… these circumstances could be a history of adversity (many abusive people have a history of being harmed by others), or it could be exposure to cultural, social, or educational factors which have taught them to behave meanly towards others. In your exercise, I am sure you would feel uncomfortable to feel in the other person’s shoes. It would be a terrible life to be a cruel person yourself! Regardless of the causes of the other person’s cruelty, imagine how difficult it would be to live such a life, and imagine the obstacles there could be to truly changing, accepting justice, apologizing, making amends, dealing with the guilt, and becoming a better person. Be aware that if such a person encounters others, such as past victims, who simply show them hateful or vindictive reactions to their behaviour, it is unlikely for that person to change for the better—in fact, their behaviour is likely to get even worse. 

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart. (Author Unknown)

Exercises like this can help facilitate healing, and it can also be a reminder: strive to do no harm to other people because you know how painful it is to be harmed.

Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not. (Paulo Coelho)  

Forgiveness is not remaining passive and allowing other people to harm us continually. Forgiving is not ignoring or swallowing mean behaviours, but rather is stepping back from our emotions and hurt, and aiming instead for calm, peace, and justice in a rational way. You still need to courageously stand up for yourself, and for others! The great examples that I can think of are Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. They have forgiven, but they continue to talk about what they have been through and ways that can help all of us promote equality and humanity. They are still pursuing justice.

Forgiveness is also not necessarily welcoming people who have harmed you back into your life. Oftentimes, it is actually not safe or healthy for you to be physically or emotionally close to these people, especially if they are not genuinely remorseful and apologetic.

I don’t think people understand that you can forgive a person and not allow them back into your life. That is possible, very possible. (Author Unknown)  

You can love them, forgive them, want good things for them… but still move on without them. (Mandy Hale)

Forgiveness is being able to make peace with your pain… forgiveness is noble… forgiveness is self-love… forgiveness sets you free…

One of the ways to achieve forgiveness is nurturing kindness. But many people ask, how? Be in the presence of genuinely kind people. Yes, spending time with sincerely kind people, learning from them, carrying them in your heart… if they cannot always be around you, then carry those memories with you. Kindness heals. Truly. And you need to practice kindness on a daily basis.  

Another exercise that you can do, whether you are religious or not, is writing down a list of names of people who did harm in your life, or people who treated you rudely or disrespectfully. Then you pray for them or you meditate to practice your compassion. The more you practice, the more peace you will have, and the more beautiful your life will be. But we would have to be careful not to let this exercise be an occasion to ruminate or obsess further, in a way which makes our negative feelings worse. Exercises like this are best if they are planned in advance, time-limited (for example, just 10 minutes), and done at a time when you are feeling a little bit better, instead of a little bit worse. Exercises of any kind are not as helpful if you do them when exhausted or suffering your worst pain… exercise is best done when you are at your best. 

Religious texts often deal with the subject of forgiveness. There are some well-known verses from the Bible which are meant to encourage a different way of dealing with enemies or people who are not kind to us:

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (Luke 6:27-28)

 If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. (Romans 12:20)

I must confess I am not able to do all of these things wholeheartedly. But I have seen people really practicing these scriptures wholeheartedly… many of whom do not have a religious belief. I admire these people, from the very bottom of my heart. I would love to keep learning from them and keep practicing these virtues diligently.

In my personal experience, I once did very kind acts to a bully during one of her hardest times in life; she then apologized to me for having treated me badly. So your forgiveness would not only bring you inner peace, but it could also change the other person!

We know that we cannot always receive a sincere apology from the people who did harm to us—perhaps forgiveness is feeling at peace, with or without an apology. 

Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got. (Robert Brault)

Forgiveness can be a lifelong learning process for some. Don’t punish yourself for being “slow.” Just keep going, and keep practicing. If it has to be your lifelong homework, let it be. It is a beautiful kind of homework anyway.

Forgiveness is the best form of love. It takes a strong person to say sorry and an even stronger person to forgive. (Author Unknown)

 Choose love.

I wish you well.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I practice forgiveness.

Low Self-esteem: When Self-awareness is Missing

Low self-esteem can manifest in many different ways. Many people lack awareness of their low self-esteem, and engage in defense mechanisms to cope. Low self-esteem leads to a poor quality of life. I hope you can derive insights from this post, and gain awareness about your evaluations of your own worth. Becoming aware of having self-esteem issues and wanting to improve on that is such a brave act!  

Sometimes, low self-esteem leads to social withdrawal. In these situations, self-awareness is usually present; this insight makes it easier for that person to build up healthy self-esteem, with consistent help and support! But we also know that some individuals with low self-esteem do not withdraw. Instead, people may try to cope with low self-esteem by “inflating” themselves externally, such as by boasting. They may seek attention from others, and they may often need something or someone to prove their identity in order to feel secure.  

Sometimes, people have to use objects, materials, social status, or wealth to prove their identity.  

Sometimes, people may be tempted to tell others about how great they are, in terms of their career, assets, intellect, or physical appearance. They may desire compliments so much that they would actually ask for them, or they would keep showing off until a compliment is given. 

These behaviours are often driven by low self-esteem. It is a sign of confidence to share, but it is a sign of insecurity to boast.    

In some disturbing cases, low self-esteem can cause people to behave bitterly or cruelly. The feeling of smallness or weakness inside can sometimes cause people to attack others, in an attempt to assert influence or authority—it is a desperate scramble for power, from a position which feels powerless inside.   

Arrogance is used by the weak, while kindness is used by the strong. (Hans F Hamen) 

Pleasing People  

Helping others is one of the most wonderful, healthy things that a person can do! But sometimes low self-esteem can cause us to be a “people pleaser” too much, so that we become passive or unable to stand up for ourselves authoritatively. 

Bitterness and Jealousy  

Low self-esteem can prevent us from feeling genuinely happy for others’ happiness, achievement, or beauty. Instead, the negative feelings we may have for ourselves cause us to just compare with others, and as a result feel even more inadequate or inferior.   

True confidence has no room for jealousy and envy. When you know you are great, you have no reason to hate. (Author Unknown) 

And we often find out that the things that people brag about are not something that they actually feel very proud of. A confident, billionaire does not need to tell other people that he or she is wealthy! A very confident, attractive woman does not need to tell people that she is very pretty, or ask others to compliment her! 

When we have healthier self-esteem, there is no need for boasting! Achievement or beauty is already self-evident, and it does not even need to be mentioned. In fact, when an accomplished person is humble, it only increases their stature even further!    

井底之蛙  

“A frog at the bottom of a well has only a limited view of the sky.”  

This is a Chinese idiom that conveys the idea that boastfulness is often caused by a limited perspective, and unhappy life circumstances. Let us always emphasize the need to ask ourselves if we are stuck in a well! And if we are stuck, then we need to make a plan to climb out!  

If you have genuine kindness or compassion, then when someone gets something or has more success, you are able to rejoice in their good fortune. For a person who is committed to compassion practice and a genuine sense of concern for others’ well-being, then you will rejoice in others’ good fortune because you will be happy that what that person aspires for is being obtained. (Dalai Lama) 

You see, at the moment that envy or jealousy develops, you no longer can maintain your peace of mind. So jealousy actually destroys your peace of mind. Then that jealousy can become corrosive to the relationship. Even with your good friend, if you develop some sort of jealousy, it will be very harmful to your friendship. (Dalai Lama) 

Bullying  

Sometimes, people with low self-esteem feel intimated by others who are intelligent, attractive, or confident. They become bullies, thinking that they can feel “bigger” by behaving bitterly towards others and putting others down.  

How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves. (Paulo Coelho)   

Happy people with healthy self-esteem simply just don’t have time and energy to bully other individuals, to be mean and rude towards other individuals, to use sarcasm to put down other people, to show off their things, or to feel jealous of other people. They spend their time and energy on improving their own life and other lives in a genuine way. Happy, confident, beautiful people lift others up! Not only do they want to do well, they would like others to do well—this desire is genuine and reflected in all situations that they encounter.  

The more you bully others, the more it reflects how small you feel inside. 

The people who go around becoming bullies are people who have a massive sense of insecurity, who want to prove that they are somebody, often because they did not get enough love. (Desmond Tutu)   

Hurting other people is also hurting yourself. Seek help to manage your self-esteem issues in a healthy way!  

How to deal with bullies

If you have experienced bullying, remember to stand up for yourself assertively and seek help! If it’s workplace harassment, seek legal advice and file a legal complaint. If it’s bullying or discrimination at university, by peers or by professors, file a formal complaint. If it is bullying at school, seek help from your school counsellor and your family. If it is cyber bullying, seek help from friends, family, or a counsellor.  

Don’t let the bullies win! Don’t let their low self-esteem affect your self-esteem! Your courage will help yourself, and it may stop the bully from going around bullying other people!  

Haters don’t really hate you. In fact, they hate themselves because you’re a reflection of what they wish to be. (Author Unknown) 

Don’t worry about the haters… they are just angry because the truth you speak contradicts the lie they live. (Steve Maraboli)  

You don’t have to say anything to the haters. You don’t have to acknowledge them at all. You just wake up every morning and be the best you you can be. And that tends to shut them up. (Michelle Obama)  

Do not follow the bullies’ behaviours! Do not absorb their negativity! The best way to deal with them is to stand up for yourself and walk away. By doing that, you have peace. And your kindness continues to make your life so very beautiful. It shines through your smile, your presence, your acts, and your speech… it draws you to people who are genuinely kind too! If you respond with hate like they do, when is the cycle of negativity going to stop? Be the one to break the cycle!  

One of the best ways to deal with people with bitterness or jealousy is to stand up and to practice your voice and assertiveness. And if you can, be an advocate for other people. Talk about it, preach about it, and let the world know about it. The more we talk about it, the greater the chance that it will stop bullies from harming other people! Be brave! Some of the excellent examples that we have today are Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. They fight in a peaceful way.  

You don’t need the perfect height, the perfect facial features, and the perfect body figure to make you beautiful. When you are sincerely kind, that kindness shines from within, and you will always look beautiful—it’s something that nothing can ever destroy, and no one can ever achieve with cosmetics or designer clothing or other things. Kindness has to be sincere, and kindness requires regular practice towards all humanity.  

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. (Iain Thomas)  

If you nurture bullying, hatred, anger, spite, and disgust 100 times, it will slip through. If you nurture kindness, love, forgiveness, compassion, and altruism 100 times, it will also shine through. The choice is yours.

Bullies

Bullies do not need your punishment (there is no need to seek revenge!). They are already living a hellish lifestyle. The life of a bully is already self-punitive.

The door is not locked: it is always open. As long as they are willing to apologize, make amends, or change for the better, there is plenty of joy, peace, freedom, and love available to them.

Bullies do not always stay the same! Sometimes, they change and become good people.

If you have experienced bullying, use your stories as your motivation to rise! There are many encouraging stories of people who overcome bullying: they work hard, they achieve their goals and dreams, and they shine like a star!  Be like that!

So how to build yourself up?  

Fill your life with experiences, not things. Have stories to tell, not stuff to show. (Author Unknown) 

Building healthy self-esteem requires an integration of humility and self-acceptance.

It involves open-mindedness to be willing to see your flaws or weaknesses, challenge yourself, and make positive changes. There is always room for improvement! Be humble and be brave. Compete with yourself, not with other people!

It also involves knowing yourself very well and nourishing the core, positive parts of yourself without changing them just to be liked or to be accepted by others. The following quote encourages you to be yourself—it is only when you can truly be yourself that would allow other people to love you the way you are! 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. (Dr. Seuss) 

It is human nature to like encouraging statements, compliments, or approval, but one thing that you can ask yourself is whether you need them to prove your identity and whether you can live happily and still feel confident about yourself without them. If your actions are not motivated by compliments, and compliments come as a by-product, you would actually feel very surprised to receive them. And with or without compliments, you would still like to be unapologetically yourself because you wouldn’t allow what people think of you to change the core of who you are. If people don’t like you, you shrug your shoulders and move on, and if people like you, you smile and humbly accept that!  

When I accept myself, I am freed from the burden of needing you to accept me. (Steve Maraboli) 

Healthy self-esteem is not about having certain relationships, things, titles, physical appearance, assets, etc. We often hear people say, “If only I have that…. I will feel happy and confident.” People who have a PhD, a respected profession, a family, numerous friends, an attractive body, fame, a mansion, or luxury sports cars can still have very, very low self-esteem and a very, very bitter attitude! Healthy self-esteem is being able to love and accept your own imperfections and your imperfect life. Of course this is easier said than done! Imagine if you were the Biblical figure, Job, who lost his health, relationships, and assets altogether! Maintaining healthy self-esteem then requires hard work, self-reflection, and healthy discussions with friends and family on a regular basis.  

One of the cures for different types of problems starts with self-awareness. Without self-awareness, people with self-esteem issues go on, sometimes bragging about themselves and showing off their objects, relationships, title, or work, sometimes feeling badly about themselves, and sometimes attacking others, putting others down, or behaving bitterly.   

Having the courage to admit that you have self-esteem issues and a willingness to work on improving your self-esteem is courageous. There is so much hope in people who have self-awareness and who are willing to strive towards improving their well-being with sincerity!  

Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new ending. (Carl Bard)  

We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe) 

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I practice having self-awareness, seek help if I realize that I have self-esteem issues to work on, and persistently engage in healthy ways to improve my self-esteem. 

Split

The movie, Split (Shyamalan, Blum, Bienstock, & Shyamalan, 2016), received a lot of criticism.

The movie exaggerates the condition of people with dissociative identity disorder (DID), and that might perpetuate stigma (Shyamalan et al., 2016). It is important to note that very few people who have dissociative identity disorder are frightening and violent. Oftentimes, we know that movies present exaggerated, dramatic, fictional cases for marketing purposes. 

It would be better to watch a documentary, rather than a dramatic movie, to learn about a mental health issue. 

There have been mixed research findings about dissociative identity disorder. Some professionals argue that it does not exist and that it is something created by the person’s mind, by cultural factors, or by trends in diagnosis, while others argue that DID actually exists irrespective of culture or trends. 

There are a few messages in this movie that can help illustrate my understanding of child abuse: 

The main character, Kevin, with dissociative personality disorder, is a victim of child abuse. His flashback of hiding underneath the bed, when his mother was holding onto a hanger and yelling at him, is a heartbreaking scene that happens in many real abuse cases (Shyamalan et al., 2016).

Anger

It is inevitable for victims of abuse to feel angry. A person who has been through suffering, humiliation, and maltreatment over years and years of time can develop a powerful force of anger inside. The anger is a response to injustice and suffering. If anger is not managed appropriately, it can cause harm.

Anger does not need to be eliminated altogether. Anger is a universal emotion, and it can be used in a healthy, constructive way, such as fighting for justice in a peaceful way, or helping other victims. Everyone has experienced anger. But for victims of abuse, perhaps anger needs a little bit more attention, a little bit more guidance, and a little bit more practice, so that it doesn’t explode in a way that is detrimental to self and others. There are many, many healthy, positive ways to manage anger! Anger does not need to be present all the time! The desire to fight for justice might be stronger in some victims, and that can be used in constructive ways.

Self-protection

It is understandable why victims of abuse feel the need to have some walls around themselves. Boundaries are healthy, and they are needed in our lives. However, if self-protection goes to an extreme, it can also lead to isolation or relationship problems, or hinder the development of healthy social relationships.

Empathy

Many victims of abuse have a great ability to empathize—they have suffered immensely themselves, and they can feel others’ pain. Empathy, if used constructively, can transform into compassion and altruism and help other people.

Victims of abuse and neglect need more understanding, compassion, and support from society, but it is very important to note that it is not acceptable to turn your pain and suffering into harmful actions. There is help available to you, such as psychotherapy. Persist with treatment! Do not become an abuser yourself! Bitterness, self-harm, or other harmful roles also do not have to be your choice—being alive reveals that you are a strong person, and there are many healthy options for you to pick in life. You deserve love, care, and respect! You deserve a healthy, happy life! But in return, you must show love, care, and respect for others. This may be hard to do when you are not feeling well, but this task gets easier with practice and help. 

Casey

In the movie, we meet Casey, who is another victim of child abuse. Casey engages in self-destructive actions, inflicting self-injury and misbehaving at school so that she can withdraw into her own little world.

Casey, too, has an angry side. She, too, suffers from abuse, trauma, and flashbacks. However, she is rational and very observant. In the midst of fear and chaos, she still tries to understand, in order to find a way to escape her predicament. As well, she looks out and cares for her friends.

She is brave and courageous. Casey becomes the wise leader in the story, and the only survivor, out of all the other female characters, in the end. The wisdom she gained from her own past tragedy helps ensure her survival. 

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. (Kahlil Gibran)

Scars from Childhood Abuse

Some survivors of abuse may literally have physical scars. Others have emotional scars, or scars of memory. These scars do not have to leave you feeling permanently harmed or damaged. Instead, you may reflect upon your scars, to transform your fear and anger into courage and kindness. Use your courage in situations of injustice, and handle it in a rational, peaceful way.

The abuse may have molded you in a certain way: all the bits and pieces can be used in a healthy, constructive way. You can choose. And there is help along the way!

I wish you well.

If you are a survivor of abuse....

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I build my life with love, kindness, and courage.

If you are a friend of a survivor of abuse…  

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I gain knowledge about abuse & trauma and show compassion for survivors of abuse. 

Reference

Shyamalan, M. N., Blum, J., & Bienstock, M. (Producers), & Shyamalan, M. N. (Director). (2016). Split [Motion picture]. United States: Universal Pictures.

De-stigmatizing Mental Health Issues

Sometimes in social conversations, I feel uncomfortable hearing people using many different labels to diagnose people whom they encounter, especially when those “diagnoses” are inaccurate. These actions can be harmful to people who are struggling with a mental health problem, and these inaccurate comments can perpetuate stigma and discrimination in the society as a whole.

There are different settings in which the use of diagnostic labels can be helpful, such as in hospitals, clinics, classrooms, textbooks, etc. But in social settings, using these labels too often can have the effect of elevating the person who diagnoses, while putting down the person who is given a label. This can be discriminatory.   

I think it’s really important to de-stigmatize mental illness in any form. I think there’s a lot of people that are carrying around guilt and shame and baggage… that doesn’t matter. Everybody is going through something, everybody has had something that they’ve had to overcome. (Mary Lambert)

At the root of this dilemma is the way we view mental health in this country. Whether an illness affects your heart, your leg or your brain, it’s still an illness, and there should be no distinction. (Michelle Obama)

We know that mental illness is not something that happens to other people. It touches us all. Why then is mental illness met with so much misunderstanding and fear? (Tipper Gore)

Sometimes, people feel afraid of being stigmatized, and as a result, they may refuse to see a psychotherapist or seek help from a mental health professional. I find individuals who are willing to see a psychotherapist courageous because they have self-awareness: they realize that they need help to get through some problems in a positive manner, or to enhance their overall health. It takes bravery and humility to acknowledge a problem and to seek help.

Don’t let your ego, job position, social status, wealth, or other factors hinder you from living a better, happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life. We only live once!

Avoid Using the Term “Crazy”?

Certain words, such as “crazy,” are sometimes used in an insulting or disrespectful manner. We do have to be careful to use respectful language. I don’t think that “crazy” has to be avoided entirely though—I like to reserve the word, for example, to say something like “Wow, so many things have happened in the past few days—what a crazy week I’ve had!” Some types of language, or particular words, could sometimes be “reclaimed” as harmless, neutral, or playful. But in the meantime, we must be careful not to use language in an insensitive or hurtful manner. 

Language usage is a very specific issue. In a much more general way, it is with good education and treating people with mental health problems kindly, fairly, and compassionately that we can really help de-stigmatize mental health issues!

Counselling Can’t Be Rushed

It is a major trend nowadays for counsellors to offer short-term therapy. But I am a bigger fan of long-term therapy styles. 

We all desire health care which is cost effective and efficient, in our fast-paced modern lifestyle. Many people have to be on a waiting list for a long time before they can see a psychotherapist—short-term therapy styles allow more people to be helped more quickly. 

I also understand that in this day and age, solution focused brief therapy is the trend. I appreciate brief therapy too, and I agree that many people would benefit from 5, 8, or 10 sessions of counselling, with problems such as grief, mild phobia, or seasonal depression. Many people would benefit from even just one counselling session, especially with a very good therapist!

But in many cases, the problems leading to therapy have been present for many years, or sometimes for an entire lifetime. In these cases, it will often take more than a few sessions of counselling to see resolution of entrenched, long-term problems. 

Positive change involves many factors. Time is a big factor. The rapport between the therapist and the client is another important factor. The client’s awareness, readiness for change, hard work, and regular practice play a very, very pivotal role. Social support in the client’s life is also of paramount importance.

I think there are no short cuts in life…. But hard work, practice, persistence, support, and hope can help us move forward… 

Psychotherapy is like learning a new language. Most people cannot master a new language, speaking and writing fluently, after just 10 hours of lessons! English and Mandarin are my second and third languages—I know that it requires constant practice, frequent interactions with native speakers, extreme hard work, and the opportunities to teach the languages, to be able to come across as a native English or Mandarin speaker sometimes. And I am still learning! The learning process does not ever end! To wish that you could “live your life fluently” after just having 10 hours of counselling sessions is not realistic, if you have struggled with some serious problems for almost your entire life!

Promises of quick fixes and magical cures are unsustainable and hollow. (Sameet Kumar)

Resistance to Change

Sometimes, in psychotherapy or in other areas of life, we may be taught a new skill, but we may say, “I don’t want to do that.” Sometimes, this refusal could be said directly to the teacher or therapist, while at other times, it is conveyed indirectly in facial expression or body language.

It’s an interesting dynamic.

Sometimes we are not ready to change yet. There may be awareness of struggles or problems in life, which lead to seeking help, but then sometimes we are not yet fully prepared to take action and make changes in life. Sometimes, we may prefer the therapist, or teacher, or trainer, or coach, to do all the work. Or sometimes, we may feel really stuck, tired, or hopeless…

In cases like these, we may assume that no change would happen, and that there would be no point continuing the work.    

This futility can occur in the setting of short-term therapy.

But if it is long-term therapy, you can see improvements—maybe some very small positive changes—develop gradually over time! The benefit is from the stable, healthy therapeutic relationship, regular, structured appointments, psychoeducation, reflection, insights, or encouragement and acceptance from the therapist. We can see “baby steps” forward in life, even when we are still hearing language such as “I don’t want to do that!”

Sometimes we are already making positive change, without even acknowledging it! Over time in therapy, we may start to reflect. We may start to develop more self-awareness. We may start to think about trying those skills that the therapist talked about. Sometimes, maybe just a few steps forward, before taking action and practicing regularly.

Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow. (Plato)

Be Patient

This is for the client, for the psychotherapist, for the client’s family and friends, for the community.

Be patient. Befriend time. Life is not a race.

One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. What is amazing is that they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they never leave him behind or ask him to change, they just show him love. (Author Unknown)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I acquire knowledge about mental health and develop compassion for myself and others.

Pause

When do you pause?

I pause when I am in nature: a new blanket of snow on the fields, crystals shimmering in the snow, cold air swirling around me, snowflakes kissing my face, and peace engulfing the space.

I think of how far I have come.

I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them snug, you know, with a white quilt, and perhaps it says, “Go to sleep, darlings, ‘til the summer comes again.” (Lewis Carroll)

I encourage you to pause. Take a minute to make your own list of recent favourite things! It will probably make you smile :) 

Recent favourite beverages: London fog and almond milk

Recent favourite foods: Noodles  

Recent favourite thought: It’s snowing … it’s Christmas all over again!                      

Recent favourite books:

• The Book of Joy by Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Abrams
• Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain
• Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
• 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
• Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion by Paul Bloom

Recent favourite song: We Bought a Zoo, by Jonsi

Recent reflection on gratitude: The deepest gratitude comes when friends sincerely wish each other well, encourage and compliment each other genuinely, listen to each other empathically, and exchange positive energy. During conversations, I feel at peace when people nurture kindness, without any bitterness.  Surround yourself with people who are authentic, straightforward, and kind; life is so much more beautiful this way!

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

I think we have all talked about people in social conversations. But conversations focussed on gossip are harmful, especially for mental health. If you are talking about a person when he or she is not present, make sure it’s because you like that person, you are praising that person, or you have learned something valuable from that person! Or talk about someone who has upset you, but in a constructive or forgiving way.

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough. (Oprah Winfrey)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I pause and give thanks.

Read!

Read. But don’t just read. Reflect.

Read books, articles, newspapers, magazines, and blogs that can inspire you to think. Take notes if you would like. Reflect on the sentences. Reflect on the words. Reflect on the meanings. And reflect on how to apply the ideas to your own life. But also, be willing to ask questions, and if necessary to challenge the points of view expressed by the authors. Books, like education, cannot transform lives unless people are willing to think critically, and apply the ideas actively to their lives. 

Books give a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything. (Plato)

If I come across a good book, I reread it. I savour the messages, again and again. Maybe it’s just one phrase. Maybe it’s the majority of the pages. Even when the ideas are familiar to me already, I enjoy reading an author who can express these same ideas in a different way. They inspire me, encourage me, and motivate me as I read. Sometimes their ideas reinforce my passion. I generate my own insights and ideas, and sometimes, I write something down as a reflection. And when I read things that I disagree with, it can still be a valuable learning experience. It is a healthy life process to be exposed to opposing points of view, and to learn to think critically about everything that I see or read. 

Keep reading. It’s one of the most marvellous adventures that anyone can have. (Lloyd Alexander)

It is healthy to read different authors who have different points of view. If you only read things that you already agree with, then you won’t have as much opportunity to challenge yourself and to grow. 

When you encounter some healthy, positive ideas, ask yourself these questions: “Can I relate these insights to real-life examples? Can I relate these insights to my life? Can I apply these ideas to my life, using a whole new perspective?”

I do believe something very magical can happen when you read a good book. (J.K. Rowling)

I love to be inspired. I adore the entire process of reading, reflecting, challenging myself, and applying new ideas to my life. Reading is so therapeutic.

No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance. (Atwood H. Townsend)

Books are the carriers of civilization… They are companions, teachers, magicians, bankers of the treasures of the mind. Books are humanity in print. (Barbara Tuchman)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I read.

Kindness Requires Practice

To live a meaningful life, build a genuine kind heart: remain humble, and help other people. Strive to do no harm to others. Just like with the pursuit of education and knowledge, the pursuit of kindness requires self-discipline and hard work. First, we need to train our mind; second, we need to practice. Practice being kind, saying kind words, doing kind acts, seeing others’ strengths and positive aspects, being genuine, and being patient. We must also practice having awareness of our problems or self-esteem issues, so that we do not engage in projection or put other people down.

It is always important to deeply understand situations. This may involve considering the point of view of the other person. We can practice treating other people in a way that we would like to be treated. Thoughtful, compassionate concern for others helps us let go and forgive too. Such kindness and compassion generate inner peace. 

I think kindness is not something that we have or do not have. It is a daily practice which requires self-reflection, discipline, and healthy discussions with others.

I would like to keep practicing…

Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can. (Dalai Lama)

 Affirmation: I enrich my life when I utilize all of my resources to develop and practice kindness.

Tangled

Tangled is an animated Disney movie based on the fairy tale of Rapunzel (Conli, Lasseter, Keane, Greno, & Howard, 2010). I had the opportunity to watch this sweetly charming movie during the holiday season, and found some important themes in it.

Life is not exactly like a movie; events in life are usually not condensed in 120 minutes. However, somtimes we can learn a lot of life lessons through studying movies. Having discussions with others and reflecting on the themes can sometimes lead to great, meaningful insights. 

Tangled, in a few short scenes, brilliantly shows us what mental abuse is (Conli et al., 2010). Because it is an animated movie, many viewers might take these scenes very lightly and not derive serious messages from them: 

In the movie, Gothel, a wicked sorceress, kidnaps a child and locks her in an isolated tower for 18 years, in order to exploit the child’s abilities. In the world today, we sometimes do have tragic literal examples of abducted children. But it is much more common for children in seemingly ordinary families to be treated cruelly in a restricted environment, and virtually “held hostage” for 18 years. In this way, the movie shows us a metaphor for a type of child abuse situation that is all too common in modern society. 

Gothel emotionally abuses Rapunzel by calling her names, putting her down, making fun of her, and then laughing it off.  Day after day. Year after year… In the midst of this, Rapunzel, who has a gentle, beautiful temperament, still forms a loving, trusting bond with the abuser, as many children do in such circumstances. Because this terrible environment is all she knows, she is not able to reflect on its harmfulness, until she obtains her first glimpses of the outside world.    

The movie shows us that abusers are not just “all bad” (Conli et al., 2010). Look at Gothel! She gives Rapunzel food to eat, a bed to sleep on, books to read, walls to paint, yarn to knit, musical instruments to play, opportunities to sing, a beautiful brush to comb her golden hair, a bedroom that looks beautiful and comfortable, etc. Not only that, Gothel hugs and kisses Rapunzel repeatedly and says, “I love you,” showing what Rapunzel feels to be love and kindness. She allows Rapunzel to do all different types of activities starting from her childhood to her adolescence, but all under Gothel’s control and command.

Some abusers do apparently kind acts to control the victim further: these “kind acts” are strategies used to keep the victim loyal and obedient. In some cases, abusers do “kind” acts out of guilt. And in some cases, abusers exploitatively gain a lot of benefits from victims.

The movie brilliantly illustrates how in the midst of abuse, the victim does not just hate the abusers! Rapunzel sincerely loves Gothel, trusts her, and obeys her until she gradually starts to realize the truth at age 18. 

Running Back and Forth

In the movie, when Rapunzel finally escapes from the tower for the first time, she becomes a bit unstable. She runs back and forth in the forest: on the one hand, she screams and feels extremely excited for the freedom and the opportunity to see the lanterns! But on the other hand, she wallows in guilt, self-blame, and hopelessness for disobeying her mother (Conli et al., 2010)! She is taught to obey and to be a good daughter. For 18 years, she is repeatedly told that “Mother Knows Best.” Rapunzel has such a kind heart and strives to be an obedient, good daughter for 18 years.

Running back and forth, back and forth, back and forth….

In real life, sometimes victims of abuse run back and forth like this, not in the forest, but in their cognitions, behaviours, or emotions—during the abuse and after they escape the abuse. Why? Often an abusive home is all a person knows. It may be the only source of familiarity. The world outside the home may be feared. Also, of course, the abuser may have caused the victim to feel that leaving the home would be some kind of betrayal or sin. So a victim of abuse may feel ambivalent about leaving, due to the destabilizing effects of the traumatic events which they suffered, and due to the risks involved in attempting to leave. Therefore, in the process of escape, a person may literally be “running back and forth.”  

If victims of abuse seem to behave in an unusual or inconsistent way, it is not because they are “crazy.” It is because the abuse they have suffered has caused temporary destabilizing effects on their behaviour. This instability will disappear when they have safety, freedom, and appropriate care.  

How can we help stabilize a person who has experienced abuse? Psychotherapy can help. But good social support is needed—consistent, stable, genuine love and care from others. Most importantly, it requires the victim’s hard work, perseverance, and kindness! The person needs to put a lot of effort into jumping over the life’s hurdles himself or herself!

Resilience

After 18 years of being locked in an isolated tower, living in a harmful home environment, and being abused, how can Rapunzel remain kind?

How is that possible? 

In real life, many victims of abuse suffer from depression, anxiety, and/or post-traumatic stress disorder. Some victims develop more serious mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc. Domestic abuse often leaves the victim confused. The victim is tortured by the running back and forth. Some lack self-awareness and insights to realize their struggles and problems.

Recovery of abuse does not happen at the same pace as in a movie, within minutes or hours--this process can take many years. Most victims of abuse do not actually become like their abusers, despite their many years of painful experiences and struggles! They remain kind, and they progress in their recovery, provided they can find a healthier environment! 

In the midst of all this adversity, it’s tempting to become pessimistic and fall into a kind of fatalistic hopelessness. It’s easy to overlook the amazing potential for resilience in us as human beings. Amazingly, even in the midst of trauma, people continue to smile, to love, to celebrate, to create, and to renew. In making this observation, we absolutely do not mean to belittle the impact of traumatic times or the suffering many have endured and continue to endure. Suffering is real, but resilience is also real. It is an incredible and encouraging fact about human nature that, contrary to popular belief, after a period of emotional turmoil, most trauma survivors eventually recover and return to their lives. They bounce back.  

And in some cases, they do much more. They bounce forward, and in truly remarkable ways. “A significant minority, as a result of the trauma, feel called upon to engage in a wider world,” Herman writes. They refocus their energies on a new calling, on a new mission, on a new path, on helping others who have been victimized, on education, on legal reforms, or any number of other big goals. They move beyond mere resilience. They transform the meaning of their personal tragedies by making them bases for change.

We call these people supersurvivors (Feldman & Kravetz, 2015, p. 3-4). 

Reconciliation

Eugene, one of those who genuinely cares for Rapunzel and has much wisdom, does not push Rapunzel to obey Gothel, and to reconcile with her after the truth is revealed! Eugene’s act of cutting off Rapunzel’s magical hair symbolically frees her from her evil, abusive mother.

I acknowledge that every case is different, and do not mean to overgeneralize here in my writing. Reconciliation is possible and can also be healthy, but only if the abusers acknowledge their wrongdoings and try to make amends. In many cases, attempts at reconciliation are harmful, and could even lead to a suffering person being exposed to an abusive situation yet again. We all like to see a “happily ever after” picture of reconciliation, but we must all think carefully before advising a traumatized person to attempt to continue a relationship with an abusive person from their past. In order to gain wisdom about helping people in such situations, it can be very helpful for all of us (even for most therapists) to obtain specialized education about the psychology and psychotherapy of abuse survivors.  

Karma

Karma is the idea that would come up at one point or another, in psychotherapy, in social conversations, in movies, in religions… we can understand “karma” not as a superstition or religious idea, but as a type of theme that presents itself in human stories. In a story, if there is tension or injustice, the reader will have a strong desire for the tension or injustice to be relieved later on. In this way, karma could be understood as the author’s way of demonstrating an ideal of fairness and justice, in a world which is sometimes unfair or unjust. 

In the movie, Gothel initially tries to mask her evilness, with Rapunzel’s golden, magical hair, with makeup, with nice clothes… (Conli et al., 2010).

In real life, abusers may mask their evil acts in front of certain groups, in order to maintain their reputations and to hide from justice. But we know that abusers rarely change their ways. Change usually requires long-term intervention from therapists, the community, and sometimes the criminal justice system.

In the movie, Gothel’s evilness is always present. People with wisdom can detect it right from the beginning! Finally, the truth is completely revealed in the end. Justice—and karma—prevail, in the sense that Gothel’s tyranny comes to an abrupt end.

Whether there is karma or not, what matters most is that you remain kind and be like Rapunzel! Believe that good things will happen to you, as long as you choose kindness. One of the most obvious blessings is a peaceful state in your heart. Kindness also draws you to people and situations that are genuinely kind and loving.

Kindness prevails. 

I See the Light by Mandy Moore

While this is meant to be a love song, some of the lyrics accurately describe the thoughts of someone who escaped an abusive environment. A person living in the midst of abuse could sometimes engage in dissociation, such that it may be hard for him or her to appreciate a beautiful flower and a singing bird… 

All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here suddenly I see
Standing here it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different

(Alan Menken and Glenn Slater) 

After you escaped an abusive environment, you may feel thankful for being able to see the world much more accurately now. You may start to look at everything with so much curiosity, or you may experience a sense of novelty wherever you go. You may feel thankful for being able to live your life with much more gratitude, love, and peace. You may feel thankful for being able to stay in the present moment!

May you always remember your courage, which helped you escape!   

The journey of healing takes much time and effort. May you persevere and hold tight onto kindness. 

If you are a survivor of abuse....

Affirmations: I enrich my life when I seek psychotherapy. I enrich my life when I strive hard to bounce back or bounce forward. I enrich my life when I nurture kindness in my heart. And I enrich my life when I proudly say, “I am a survivor of abuse.”

If you are a friend of abuse survivors…  

Affirmations: I enrich my life when I acquire knowledge about abuse and trauma. I enrich my life when I acknowledge that I am not my friend’s therapist, but that I can help him or her through spending quality time together.

References

Conli, R., Lasseter, J., & Keane, G. (Producers), & Greno, N., & Howard, B. (Directors). (2010). Tangled [Motion picture]. United States: Walt Disney Pictures. 

Feldmna, D. B., & Kravetz, L. D. (2015). Supersurvivors: The surprising link between suffering and success. New York, NY: Harper Wave. 

Grief: Up, Colouring, and Social Support

Up

Up is a moving and delightful animated movie which I had the pleasure to watch recently (Rivera & Docter, 2009). It touches on themes of loss and grief, but also on the healing qualities of friendship and compassion. If your loss is a spouse or a partner, or if you have experienced a loss recently, this movie is likely to trigger some strong emotions or tears. I encourage you to watch it with a friend or a family member who is empathic and sensitive to your emotions.

There are a few important themes in the movie—lessons in life that we all need to go through and learn:

The loss of a loved one can sometimes pause your life, or change your life for a period of time. The objects that represent the deceased person can become like an extension of the loved one. In the movie, it is the house and all the photos and objects in the house (Rivera & Docter, 2009). In your life, it could be presents that you received in the past from your loved one, or videos that you recorded of that person. Sometimes, the objects become so important that you may rather choose them over your current relationships! In the movie, the main character is tempted to choose his house over saving a companion who is in danger (Rivera & Docter, 2009).

The objects that represent a rich, heartwarming bond can be of paramount importance to you now. There is nothing wrong with keeping objects that represent a good, loving relationship. But if you allow the objects to become more important than your life, or other lives, that could be problematic. 

When the main character finally chooses to save his companions and let go of his house, he says, “It’s okay… It’s just a house” (Rivera & Docter, 2009). He realizes that his present life is far more important than the house. He had previously put all his effort into protecting the house, since it represents his wife—they had shared very sweet and positive memories there, and there are a lot of photos, scrapbooks, and furniture of hers, arranged just as it had been during their marriage. 

But the symbolism of the house is of active, loving kindness. Ironically, by focusing only on the material object of the house, instead of on current new relationships, the main character loses touch with this active, loving kindness! Only when he resolves his grief, and reminds himself of the active state of love and compassion he had experienced in his marriage, could he continue on. He is then able to create new positive moments with others, be a positive influence, and live a meaningful life… (Rivera & Docter, 2009). He probably still misses his spouse a lot, for the rest of his life, but he continues on anyway. He smiles, he laughs, he shares...

I would like to share some ideas about how to manage grief, and about how to help others who are grieving. Just as the movie shows, the foundation of this is to practice healthy self-care, to stay in touch with your core values, and to be empathic towards self and others. But there are several other ideas which are very important, including practicing mindfulness, finding activities such as colouring to help occupy you during your grief, facing your emotions, and finding social support.  

Mindfulness

Be mindful of your surroundings. Pay attention to a bird, a leave, or a puddle. Sometimes, I can see beautiful pictures on the ground and feel very grateful. 

Colouring

Adult colouring books started to become more popular in recent years. It is a mindfulness exercise that I highly recommend! It could be a fun activity to do with a friend, or by yourself. Research shows that structured coloring helps alleviate anxiety and stress (Curry & Kasser, 2005; van der Vennet & Serice, 2012). Colouring is an activity that many art therapists utilize in therapy. Instead of detaching ourselves from strong emotions, colouring helps us focus on the here-and-now, regain mental focus, and stay present—being in the present moment is therapeutic. 

Feel the texture of the paper with your fingers, listen as you flip through the pages, hold your pencil crayon and press gently on the page, observe how your hand moves back and forth as you colour, observe how you are using different colours to make the picture come to life… I find colouring to be soothing and calming in the midst of grief because it does not take as much effort, compared to other types of artwork, yet it still allows you to create, to feel in control, and to experience a sense of accomplishment. 

Facing Your Emotions

Being strong is not equivalent to having no emotions. Expressing emotions is a sign of strength! You may not like to focus on your grief at a workplace, or in the middle of a lecture, but you can dedicate some time each day, to face your emotions, to cry, to journal, or to talk to someone about your grief.

Social Support

Seek help from friends and family who are empathic and loving. Seek counselling help if you are having a hard time coping with your loss.

Your loved ones may probably seek you out and offer help if they know that you are going through a difficult time.  

How to Be of Help to Someone Who is Grieving 

As a friend, be sensitive to the person’s emotions and needs. A simple condolence, such as, “I am sorry for your loss,” can be enormously comforting to a person who has just lost a loved one. It can also trigger tears in your friend. Be ready for that kind of reaction and be empathic.

Paying visits is a sweet way to show your love and care, provided that the recipient does not perceive that as a kind of stress. Pay visits, bring a small gift, write a card, or spend some quality time with your friend. There are many loving, kind things that you can do to show your care. With sincerity, wisdom, and love, you can help and be part of your friend’s healing journey. 

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I take my time to grieve and seek healthy, positive ways to cope with my loss.

References

Curry, N. A., & Kasser, T. (2005). Can coloring mandalas reduce anxiety? Journal of the American Art Therapy Association, 22(2), 81-85. doi:10.1080/07421656.2005.10129441

Rivera, J. (Producer), & Docter, P. (Director). (2009). Up [Motion picture]. United States: Walt Disney Pictures.                               

van der Vennet, R., & Serice, S. (2012). Can coloring mandalas reduce anxiety? A replication study. Journal of the American Art Therapy Association, 29(2), 87–92. doi:10.1080/07421656.2012.680047

New Year’s Resolutions

Having goals is important—both long-term and short-term—because they motivate us to keep moving and to keep improving. I always have goals. Sometimes, I like to make a “Goals List.” When I was 24 years old, I made a Goals List, and somehow I lost that piece of paper. A year later, I found it, and I realized that I accomplished every item on the list—it was a long one! That feeling was so amazing! I felt accomplished!  Throughout that year, I didn’t pressure myself into completing every item that I wrote on the list. But in the back of my mind, my goals were present. They rested in my mind peacefully, and motivated me to achieve them one at a time.

I am one of those people who love New Year’s Resolutions, but I think we need to make these lists more frequently—not just on New Year’s Day—to remind ourselves of our goals. It’s important to revisit the lists to track our progress sometimes. If we haven’t reached a goal yet, we could ask ourselves, “Have I put enough effort into making that happen? What else is missing? What could I have done better? To improve the situation? To get me closer to the goal? Am I taking small, realistic steps towards the goal?” 

Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible. (Tony Robbins) 

If you would like to exercise 5 days a week and keep that goal in the new year, write that down. If you would like to live in a different neighbourhood, a different city, or a different country, write that down on your list. If you would like to travel around Europe or Asia, or around the world, write that down. If you would like to earn a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree, or a PhD, write that down. If you would like to achieve your career goals, write that down. If you would like to set up a non-profit organization, write that down on your list! They may all seem impossible at the moment, but the minute you are willing to write it down, acknowledge it, and look at it, is the minute you are setting your mind to go for it! Some of the big goals may never come true, but some of them may, after 5 years, 10 years, or more. After all, who knows? 

Being able to write down your goals is a kind of self-awareness, which is healthy. It reveals your courage to face your goals no matter how big, scary, or impossible they may seem! Breaking goals down into small, manageable steps can be helpful. Let your “Goals List” be your motivation!

If you’ll not settle for anything less than your best, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in your life. (Vince Lombardi) 

Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life, because you become what you believe. (Oprah Winfrey)

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. (Aristotle) 

Distraction & Binge-Watching Obstruct our Goals

Oftentimes, people can’t keep their New Year’s Resolutions, or their goals, due to lack of motivation, lack of structure and organization, lack of self-esteem, lack of social support, or lack of self-awareness of their own problems. Sometimes, there are serious underlying issues, such as depression and anxiety. Many individuals with deeper issues get by because they use distraction, such as watching TV for hours each day, to cope with their problems.

Distraction is a helpful coping mechanism, but it is usually a temporary solution to problems, and a strategy that is used only in the beginning of therapy. With problems such as anxiety, phobias, trauma, etc., distraction cannot be the ultimate solution. Indeed, if distraction is used too much, such as watching TV for hours every day, it can become another problem, or even an addiction. With such addictive behaviours, people lack self-regulation to stop the unhealthy behaviour.

Many years of research have shown that excessive TV watching is linked to poor mental and physical health (Hamer, Stamatakis, & Mishra, 2010; Robinson & Martin, 2008; Sun et al., 2015). Recent researchers suggested that binge-watching, which is defined as watching two to more episodes of the same TV show in one sitting, is associated with mental health problems such as depression, loneliness, and anxiety (Karmakar, Kruger, Elhai, & Kramer, 2015; Kruger, Karmakar, Elhai, & Kramer, 2015; Sung, Kang, & Lee, 2015).   

So, it is good to limit our distractions. Enjoy TV and other entertainments, but be careful to keep your eye on your goals, not just on the TV screen! 

Humility  

One of themes that I repeat in my blog is humility.

Being humble is not just a high virtue. It is indeed something that can help improve the quality of your life!

It can be difficult to practice humility: it is difficult sometimes to admit that we have problems, we make mistakes, we are not always genuine, we sometimes lack motivation and diligence, etc. When we forget our humility, maybe when we are trying to save face, we actually cause more problems in different areas of life: it can then be harder to form genuine, meaningful social relationships, to achieve goals, and to form healthy strategies to cope with life problems. Being humble can lead to self-awareness, which in turn can lead to great improvements in life. Humility is the foundation that helps all of us change, learn, and grow! If we believe we already know everything, we won’t be able to acquire new knowledge. If we think we are always right, or we have no problems, we won’t be motivated to change for the better.

Being able to reach and maintain New Year’s Resolutions or goals require more than just writing them down. Seek help, ask questions, take one step at a time, make mistakes, and persevere!

It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting. (Paulo Coelho)  

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. (C. S. Lewis)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I make New Year’s Resolutions, work hard to achieve them, and seek help if I have difficulty maintaining them. 

References

Hamer, M., Stamatakis, E., & Mishra, G. D. (2010). Television- and screen-based activity and mental well-being in adults. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 38(4), 375-380. doi:10.1016/j.amepre.2009.12.030

Karmakar, M., Kruger, J. S., Elhai, J., & Kramer, A. (2015). Viewing patterns and addiction to television among adults who self-identify as binge-watchers. American Public Health Association. Retrieved from https://apha.confex.com/apha/143am/webprogram/Paper335049.html

Kruger, J. S., Karmakar,  M., Elhai, J., & Kramer, A. (2015). Looking into screen time: Mental health and binge watching. American Public Health Association. Retrieved from https://apha.confex.com/apha/143am/webprogram/Paper335164.html

Robinson, J. P. & Martin, S. (2008). What do happy people do? Social Indicators Research, 89(3), 565-571. doi:10.1007/s11205-008-9296-6

Sun, J-W., Zhao, L-G., Yang, Y., Ma. X., Wang, Y-Y., & Xiang, Y-B. (2015). Association between television viewing time and all-cause mortality: A meta-analysis of cohort studies. American Journal of Epidemiology, 182(11), 908-916. doi:10.1093/aje/kwv164

Sung, Y. H., Kang, E. Y., & Lee, W. N. (2015, May). A bad habit for your health? An exploration of psychological factors for binge-watching behaviour. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the International Communication Association Conference, San Juan, PR.