Persuasion

Sharing our stories and opinions can help us obtain justice, equality, and freedom. Even though we may feel very upset about the many injustices in life, we have to acknowledge that only love can solve problems. Hate cannot.

We have to manage anger, so that we can talk about difficult matters in a well-balanced way.  When stories and living situations affect us on a personal level, it can be very difficult to remain calm and logical. Sometimes it is healthy to take a step back to look at the big picture. And sometimes it is essential to talk with other people who strive for peace and justice, so that we can encourage each other along the way.

If we would like to help people make positive changes, we need to develop understanding first. We need to do a lot of listening, which requires our effort to put aside our own stories, and just focus on the person sitting in front of us. The other person needs to feel understood.

No matter what the situation, if we can help people talk about their concerns and their feelings, and really listen to what they tell us, we are letting them know we care deeply about them. (Fred Rogers)

Trust and rapport must come before advice. Trust needs to be built with time, consistency, understanding, and common ground. Finally, before giving any advice, we need people’s consent to do so.

Nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. (John Gottman)

However, when imminent danger or harm is involved, advice needs to be given promptly. Even then, our demeanour must remain calm and rational.

If our purpose is to help people and communities improve, we cannot simply vent our anger. Truth can still be presented accurately when we use a respectful voice. And when we do that, people get to hear what we have to say, and they may start to contemplate. If our voice is not calm and respectful, it is unlikely that we will persuade anyone who doesn’t already agree with us.

To really be of help to others we need to be guided by compassion. (Dalai Lama)

For most of us, we can easily develop compassion for the people whom we love and understand deeply. We need to extend that love and deep understanding to people or communities who are enemies, or opponents, before we can help influence them.

It is not enough simply to wish that love and compassion grow within us. We need a sustained effort to cultivate such positive qualities. (Dalai Lama)

It is hard work… especially if our opponents have done harm to us, to our loved ones, or to our community. It is all too easy to slip back to anger, frustration, sadness, and hatred. It takes time and practice to be able to communicate about and communicate with our opponents in a gentle, respectful tone of voice.

Without understanding, we cannot help change any person, let alone a community. Change is never easy. If we are passionate about helping people make positive changes, we need to practice understanding, patience, tolerance, respect, and compassion.

How can we stay calm and logical? It can help to talk to other people who strive for peace. It can help to read about the lives of great peacemakers. And it can help to learn the historical stories of our opponents. Once we can develop understanding, compassion can easily follow. So learn their stories. Learn their cultures. Learn their histories. You may gain some valuable insights, which can help you let go of any strong feeling. And you may come up with constructive plans that can help influence other people in a positive manner.

You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips. (Oliver Goldsmith)

Childhood & Therapy

I encourage all of us to learn more about human rights and human suffering. In particular, take time to hear the stories of those who have survived child abuse. This can become a foundation to more deeply understand other problems in relationships, families, communities, or nations. 

The effects of child abuse involve many layers of suffering. Every case is different, but at the same time, every case has some similarities. To ignore the effects of child abuse can lead to a whole range of unwise life decisions and behaviours later on.

The happiness of childhood, the calming of a child’s fears and the healthy development of its self-confidence depend directly upon love. (Dalai Lama)

Our genes, upbringing, experiences, politics, and society can all play a role in shaping our minds, beliefs, and manners. However, I strongly believe that each of us has a choice to be a respectful and kind person no matter where we came from and what we have been through.

People who have survived abusive childhoods may need therapeutic support in order to grow healthily. Without an experience of loving, consistent care in childhood, it can be hard to develop the loving, caring part of ourselves unless we have some extra help.

Movement towards resilience doesn’t happen in isolation. Nor is it linear or neat. It’s messy work, with healing emerging through community and solidarity. (Kristen Lee)

If we can imagine what it is like to live someone else’s childhood, maybe we can all develop love and compassion easily, even if that person behaved harmfully in the past. If we have mastered this type of understanding and let go of our anger, we can practice seeing even a country as a “person.” Every country has its “childhood,” and most countries have been through wars or other traumatic struggles. We can be good citizens of our country, if we have empathic understanding of our country’s history. Some countries have been through so much turmoil that they have a sort of large-scale traumatic injury as well as “personality issues.” For some, without having fully healed from their wounds, they exclude, control, or attack others… perhaps subconsciously thinking that these tactics could protect themselves or help them rise. Yet, of course, this type of behaviour prevents others from liking or supporting them.

If a victim of abuse behaves kindly, it becomes easy for us to develop compassion. But what if a victim of abuse behaves rudely or abusively?

The divine instruction of Christian theology to “love your enemies” is much easier said than done. It is important to strive to love our enemies: this is one of the keys to world peace. If we can all practice understanding a person’s or a community’s or a country’s “childhood,” then maybe loving the people who have done harm to us can become possible.

Loving our enemies is an abstract idea, which requires a long debate from all different angles to explore its meaning. I can only share my brief opinion here. I think loving our enemies refers to the idea that we do not attack our opponents, and we do not treat them the way they treated us. We can seek justice, but in a peaceful and rational way. We can take our time to work on letting go of hatred and nurture forgiveness instead. We do not have to like them; to say that we like them may be a bit naïve and deceptive… because if we actually like the people who practice abusive, discriminatory, or exploitative behaviour, we lose our values, and we are not standing with justice or the victims of injustice. But when our enemies are truly remorseful, sincerely apologize to us, and make real amends, we may accept them and support them to change.

Imagine a person who was once mean to you. But imagine that they are now attending a therapy session with you. Imagine them telling their childhood stories, in a therapeutic setting. This could help your anger to dissipate. Sometimes, people who have done harm may not have self-awareness, and they may insist that they have no problems at all. This could be understood as a resistance in their therapy, which needs to be managed through patience, empathy, and strict boundaries.

In this analogy, it becomes difficult if we were to slip back and focus on the harm that they did to us again. Having a history of negative life experience does not make it okay to harm others.

Do what you can, and do not expect immediate results. Change requires everyone’s small efforts all combined together, over long periods of time.

Psychotherapy

I encourage all of us to go to psychotherapy, to develop a deeper and more accurate understanding of ourselves, and to strive to live a healthy life. Therapy can help us use our own willpower, diligence, and kindness to refuse living a life that harms other people or ourselves. Previous unhealthy patterns can be unlearned, though it takes a lot of our time and effort.

Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetime’s work, but it’s worth the effort. (Fred Rogers)

The following is a link to a very good article about psychotherapy (Manotas, 2016). Psychotherapy is not only for relieving psychological symptoms, but also for developing inner discovery.  

All these ideas are beautiful, but putting the ideas into action is challenging. I encourage all of us to keep trying to develop compassion for all people. Compassion can help us stay calm, make wise decisions, and enable positive changes.

Be a kind and compassionate person. This is the inner beauty that is a key factor to making a better world.  (Dalai Lama)

Mr. Rogers

What if we could all talk like Mr. Rogers?

Maybe we could then help persuade and change many “tough guys!”

I wish I could have watched Mr. Rogers’ Neighbourhood when I was a child. But it’s never too late! Whether you are a child, an adolescent, or an adult, I encourage you to watch videos of Mr. Rogers! The following is a link to a 10-minute video called The Best of Mr. Rogers (Best of Humans, 2017).

His legacy can truly live on if we learn to be a bit more like him… to develop and nurture a heart of gold. 

The values we care about the deepest, and the movements within society that support those values, command our love. When those things that we care about so deeply become endangered, we become enraged. And what a healthy thing that is! Without it, we would never stand up and speak out for what we believe. (Fred Rogers)

When I say it’s you I like, I’m talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed. (Fred Rogers)

… the most important thing is that we are able to be one to one, you and I, with each other at the moment. If we can be present to the moment, with the person that we happen to be with at the moment… that’s what it is important. (Fred Rogers)

To continue your reading and learning about this very important subject, I encourage you to have a look at this wonderful article by Sean Malone: The Power of Making Friends with Ideological Enemies (Malone, 2017). 

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I strive for peace, in my community, in my home, and in my own mind. 

References

Best of Humans. (2017, March 26). The best of Mr. Rogers [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSbYQz3rluM

Malone, S. (2017, September 7). The power of making friends with ideological enemies. Retrieved from https://fee.org/articles/making-friends-from-enemies/

Manotas, M. A. (2016, February 15). You need therapy, but not for the reasons you might think. Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/you-need-therapy-but-not-for-reasons-you-might-think-0215164

Coming Out

“Coming out” is a term used to describe people of the LGBTQ+ community disclosing their sexual orientation or gender identity to others. The process of coming out can be extremely stressful, involving risks, stigma, oppression, discrimination, or shame.   

I have always believed the term “coming out” should not only be reserved for people of the LGBTQ+ community, but also for victims of emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual abuse.

I have also believed the term “coming out” should be applicable to all people who have been through war, exile, harassment, assault, rape, bullying, or discrimination based on their age, sex, gender, race, sexual orientation, social status, religious belief, physical disabilities, or mental health issues.

In fact, maybe “coming out” could refer to sharing any authentic part of ourselves which had previously been kept secret or hidden. Sometimes we all can hide important parts of ourselves and our experiences, in such a way that it limits our freedom and joy of life. 

The common factor with all these “coming out” situations is that there could be a fear of being judged negatively by others, if the truth or the stories were known. So people have historically dealt with this fear of judgment by staying silent. Such silence, however, is harmful to all of us, and is harmful to society itself. It is healing and liberating for individuals, as well as for all of society, to speak the truth.

Telling people your true stories of difficult life experiences and showing people who you really are can be stressful; it could involve risks, stigma, oppression, discrimination, or shame. But these painful memories, stories, or scars are part of you, part of who you are. You do not have to be silent. You do not have to hide yourself and your own stories. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Be brave enough to let people know who you are.

Suffering is our Common Ground

I have stumbled across a Youtube video, which I find moving and encouraging (DeGeneres, 2017). A very short clip of Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, and Michelle Obama—exchanging purely positive energy!

Listen to the way they talk to each other, listen to their words… is there a tiny little bit of jealousy there? No!

Any fear of their friends achieving greater accomplishments than themselves? No!

They lift each other up, encourage and support each other, embrace each other wholeheartedly, and wish each other well sincerely! What do you see in their smiles? Do they have healthy self-esteem?

All of them have been through hardships, in their own unique way.

But they have chosen to use their adversity as an asset to help other people.

One of the most amazing things about human suffering is that it can have the potential to help us understand each other, develop compassion for each other, and connect us to each other. All human suffering, if we have wisdom and open-mindedness to interpret them, shares common ground. This could be considered an “existential” idea—for this reason, Existential Therapy is one of my favourite therapies. And promoting equality and humanity is of paramount importance!

Healthy self-esteem is not attained only when a person has fame and wealth. Some people who have wealth, fame, luxuries, education, or a respected profession can still have very low self-esteem and can still have so much bitterness that they treat others unkindly and do not wish other people well!

Healthy self-esteem is a choice, made by your humility, self-awareness, disciplined hard work, and willingness to be guided by genuinely kind and compassionate people.

Be Brave

By protecting your abusers, violators, and bullies, due to personal, familial, cultural, or religious values and beliefs, you suffer. By burying the truth, healing is hindered. By denying your pain, you pass on brokenness to the next generations or to other people.

When you keep things on the inside, the weight of it can hold you down. (Iyanla Vanzant)

Do not be silent! Come out and speak the truth!

It requires a great deal of courage, strength, and self-esteem to share your difficult stories, or to tell people who you are.

By sharing your stories, not only are you empowering yourself, but you are also empowering other people, encouraging other people to do the same, leading to less stigma, discrimination, shame, oppression, and violence, but more understanding, compassion, equality, freedom, and love!  

There will be people who respect you, admire your encourage, support you, cheer you on, and actually feel motivated to join you!

There will also be people who laugh at you, discriminate against you, condemn you, doubt you, or oppress you. In the video, we learn that Oprah and Ellen received a lot of hate mail and even death threats (DeGeneres, 2017)! Try not to focus too much on the people who lack understanding, compassion, and support; sometimes it takes a while for people to develop understanding, and sometimes, there are people who choose not to develop compassion for you, for other people, and even for themselves!

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. (Mother Teresa)  

The strongest actions for a woman is to love herself, be herself, and shine amongst those who never believed she could. (Author Unknown)

I was once afraid of people saying, “Who does she think she is?” Now I have the courage to stand and say, “This is who I am.” (Oprah Winfrey)

If there is anyone on your journey who tries to shame you, rest assured that there are other genuine, compassionate, and kind people standing by you, supporting you fully, and cheering you on. Do not let negative behaviour from others hinder you from living a healthy, happy life! You deserve love, respect, and kindness!

The process of “coming out” can be scary, nerve-wracking, unsettling… but being able to accept and come close to your true stories, and letting people know who you are is therapeutic. In cases of abuse or trauma, the negative stories may become part of identity, sometimes in a very unwelcome way. But by sharing these stories courageously, the adversity can lose its power to define your identity. Your identity need not be one of an “abused person,” but rather it can become up to you to define… abuse or trauma may be part of your story, but as long as it is not kept secret or bottled up, it doesn’t have to have a damaging effect on your identity.   

I encourage you to take one step at a time, and start sharing your stories with one or two of your close confidants who have shown you trustworthiness, understanding, respect, and compassion. Working with a therapist in the process can be immensely helpful; sharing with your therapist is already a kind of disclosure, and therapy offers understanding, support, and healing.

Remember, you are the one in control: when you would like to tell people your stories, how you would like to talk about them, who you would like to disclose your stories to, or how much detail you would like to go into are all under your control. Treat yourself with gentle care and compassion. Listen to your heart above all other voices. Know your limits and try not to let your sharing become too overwhelming. Share it only when you are ready, and start sharing with the people who are genuinely compassionate and open-minded. You are not obligated to tell everyone all of your stories.

Be courageous and be kind.

Let your light shine: it is never, ever meant to be dimmed.

Your whole calling is about you being who you were meant to be…. You would not be who you are… you wouldn’t have been able to open hearts, and touch hearts, and change people’s minds, and make a difference in the world had you not had the courage to do that. And 20 years ago, you had no idea it would put you in this seat. (Oprah Winfrey said to Ellen DeGeneres)

 Live a life that says: “This is who I am.”

The science behind revealing our stories and telling people who we are

Studies show that people who have written about their trauma exhibit improved physical health and reduced visits to physicians. Writing about traumatic experiences can prompt people to discuss the details of their trauma with others, which in turn lead to improved social relationships. When people keep their traumatic experiences secret, they are more likely to be socially isolated and to suffer alone, leading to lessened ability to cope with the traumatic symptoms (Pennebaker & Graybeal, 2001; Sloan, Marx, Bovin, Feinstein, & Gallagher, 2012; Stuckey & Noble, 2010). 

If you are interested in writing about your trauma or other difficult life experiences, there are books that can help you start, such as The Story You Need to Tell: Writing to Heal from Trauma, Illness, or Loss (Marinella, 2017).

Liberation & Balance

There are many reasons to communicate about past traumatic experiences. By sharing, and “coming out,” with a person whom you trust, it can allow you to feel more free. The events from the past will then have less power over you. And you will be less alone with your memories. 

Sometimes, we can become immersed and preoccupied with our negative memories. This is something to watch out for: remember, a goal of sharing your story is to be more free, to empower yourself, and to empower others! Be careful not to let the frequent sharing of your story become something that only makes you ruminate, or makes you feel more trapped in negative memories. So, we must strive for balance as well as openness. Sharing, and “coming out” with our painful stories, may also allow us the freedom to also “come out” with our joys, our talents, and all other parts of ourselves. 

How you tell your story can keep you wounded and stuck, or it can help you grow in understanding. (Iyanla Vanzant)

May Your Voice Be Kind  

Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for 27 years, but he did not come out of the prison with bitterness. Instead, he transformed his adversity into kindness, humility, peace, wisdom, and positive changes for his country!

Practice using a calm, peaceful tone of voice and transform your adversity into kindness. In the process of sharing, may you search for meaning and purpose, practice gratitude and forgiveness, and embrace faith and hope.  

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison. (Nelson Mandela)

No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite. (Nelson Mandela)

Love

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, said, “As it happens, I did most of my work for no money at all, in clinics for the poor” (Frankl, 2006).

I admire him, for his love, courage, and wisdom.

During the Holocaust, Frankl was a prisoner in concentration camps. He wrote Man’s Search for Meaning, which was first published in 1946, based on his experiences and observation of other fellow prisoners’ experiences (Frankl, 2006). I think Frankl’s work is an act of great leadership—to guide us, through personal example, how to approach suffering and adversity by nurturing hope while developing our values and inner strengths. I think his own personal experience of unbelievable suffering makes his message unbelievably deep and persuasive, as though his own voice is like the voice of a million people. His book itself, and the story of how it was created, is part of his own therapy! I love therapeutic ideas where the therapist can lead by personal example.  

Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true. (Viktor Frankl)

As a psychotherapist, I believe it is not the most fancy skills, techniques, and assessment tools that heal, although it is important and interesting to learn about them. Love and unconditional positive regard are the essential healing components in therapy. It is love that heals.

Compassion, kindness, and forgiveness shall not only be reserved for people whom we love, but also for our enemies, abusers, bullies, people who do not like us, and people whom we do not like.  

One of Paul Bloom (2016)’s points, in Against Empathy, is that maybe we don’t have to like or love people who do us harm, but we do have to manage our anger or dislike in a peaceful way, so that we do not get drawn into an escalating cycle of aggression or even violence. I think, though, that the idea of “love” is exactly that: “love” in the agape, or the Christian sense, suggests an attitude of peacefulness, tolerance, and self-control, even with people whom we do not like or who do not like us. 

The latest brain scan research suggests that we have a rather binary understanding of self and other and that our empathy circuits do not activate unless we see the other person as part of our own group. So many wars have been fought and so much injustice has been perpetrated because we’ve banished others from our group and therefore our circle of concern (Dalai Lama, Tutu, & Abrams, 2016, p. 183).

Loving the people who love you is easy. Loving the people who have done harm in your life, or whom you do not appreciate is not. But it is possible, and not only it is possible, it is healing, transformative, and liberating. I am no different from the people who do not like me or whom I do not like, if I were to refuse practicing compassion and forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not only happen under the condition of bullies, abusers, or violators apologizing sincerely, making amends, or participating in restorative practice. Some people are resistant to reflect on their problematic behaviour and make positive changes in their life. When these people are not sincerely remorseful and apologetic, it may not be safe or healthy to be physically or emotionally close to them. But forgiveness, developing compassion for them, striving to do no harm to them, as well as letting go of hatred and anger is still possible. 

To be able to love your enemies requires time, disciplined effort, and sustained practice.

Love heals.

May we always choose love, no matter where we are on our journey and no matter how hard it is… love for all humanity.

Equality Reduces Violence in the World

Stephen Pinker (2011)’s book, The better angels of our nature: Why violence has declined, reviews a huge body of evidence showing that historic rates of violence, in almost all its forms, were proportionally orders of magnitude higher the farther back in history one goes. With this violence, obviously there was a much lower degree of wellness in all its forms. Part of his thesis is an examination of causes for reductions in violence, and an examination of causes for why violence still persists.

Pinker (2011) has his own generalized list of features of a healthier community associated with reduced rates of violence, including having freedom of speech, free trade (which transforms “zero sum” situations of aggressive looting into “win-win” situations of mutual cooperation), a cultural emphasis on empathy and cooperation rather than chauvinism, and especially an emphasis on universal education (particularly with equal access for men and women) to foster reason, communication, and understanding of others. His evidence is quite compelling, in a lengthy survey encompassing thousands of years of human history. He also adds an argument with some evidence-based support, that there has been selective pressure in recent centuries,  towards a decline in aggressiveness in human populations: quite simply, aggressive, violent, impulsive behaviour is found to be much less attractive or permissible in a mate in the modern age, compared to hundreds or thousands of years ago.  

In my pursuit, as a psychotherapist, to help increase wellness, I think the same principles apply as those which reduce societal violence: encouragement personally and politically to have better education, improved equality for all, and an economy which is based on fairness with a global view. 

Life

Life is filled with pain and struggles, but also surprises and happiness.

In the midst of suffering, we can learn to derive meaning from it, and we can also continue to embrace all the wonderful things in the world, such as spending time with our loved ones, journaling, reading, listening to music, drinking a cup of rooibos tea or brown rice green tea (my recent favourite beverages), exercising, being in nature, painting, enjoying our fashion style, savouring sweet memories, smiling, and even laughing!

You are allowed to feel sad and shed tears, but you are also allowed to feel happy and laugh, no matter what you have been through in life! Being able to smile or laugh, even when you are surrounded by arduous experiences and memories, is a sign of resilience.

Life is like a movie; there are comedies, tragedies, a mix of both, and boring movies which are neither joyful nor miserable. As long as you play your part to the fullest, your movie is a good one. (Tong King Sum / 唐景森)

I wish you freedom. I wish you peace. And I wish you healing.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I “come out,” speak the true stories of my life, and let people know who I am.

References

Bloom, P. (2016). Against empathy: The case for rational compassion. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

Dalai Lama, Tutu, D., & Abrams, D. (2016). The book of joy: Lasting happiness in a changing world. New York, NY: Viking.

DeGeneres, E. [TheEllenShow]. (2017, April 28). Oprah and Ellen remember the history-changing 'coming out' episode [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZyodLr-4oY

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man's search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. Boston, MA: Beacon Press.

Marinella, S. (2017). The story you need to tell: Writing to heal from trauma, illness, or loss. Novato, CA: New World Library.

Pennebaker, J. W., & Graybeal, A. (2001). Patterns of natural language use: Disclosure, personality, and social integration. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 10(3), 90-93. doi:10.1111/1467-8721.00123

Pinker, S. (2011). The better angels of our nature: Why violence has declined. New York, NY: Viking.

Sloan, D. M., Marx, B. P., Bovin, M. J., Feinstein, B. A., & Gallagher, M. W. (2012). Written exposure as an intervention for PTSD: A randomised clinical trial with motor vehicle accident survivors. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 50(10), 627-635. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2012.07.001

Stuckey, H. L., & Noble, J. (2010). The connection between art, healing, and public health: A review of current literature. American Journal of Public Health, 100(2), 254-263. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2008.156497

Seeking Justice

Do you have any regret in your life?

I like to interpret regrets as lessons learned, but if I really had to tell you my one regret, it would be: I did not stand up for myself when I was bullied, discriminated against, and treated poorly when I was a child all the way up to my early 20s.

A lot of people misunderstood my kindness, gentleness, or quietness as foolishness.

Soft and kind hearted people are not fools. They know what people did to them, but they forgive again and again because they have beautiful hearts. (Author Unknown)

When I was younger, I seriously thought that forgiveness meant “turning the other cheek.” I thought forgiveness was just being silent. I thought forgiveness was waiting for justice to happen someday, sometime, somehow!

I was wrong.

Forgiveness is not remaining passive and allowing other people to harm us continuously! Forgiveness requires teaching other people to stop their poor behaviour, which would not only help them but also us. This requires our courage to stand up for ourselves and speak up for ourselves, in a legal, peaceful, rational way.

In the past few years, I encountered a few incidents where friends told me that I could actually file a legal complaint, against the inappropriate behaviour that I received. I did not file any legal complaint, not because I was timid or scared, but because I already took action and stood up for myself in an assertive and legal way.

I have also stood up for others when they were being bullied or discriminated against, and I have seen that if only one person is willing to stand up, to speak the truth, to protect the victim, or to do something constructive, the bullying can stop, and the harm can be diminished substantially.  

Until the great mass of people shall be filled with the sense of responsibility for each other’s welfare, social justice can never be attained. (Helen Keller)

I am committed to keep pursuing justice for myself and for any other person. If standing up for myself, or standing up for others, requires me to be involved with lawyers, police officers, or other advocates, I would go the extra mile to do what is needed, with the wish to see justice happening.

In an ideal world, restorative justice is what we would all want to see and experience. Unfortunately, we do not live in an ideal world, and so we cannot always see justice. This is to be expected. But this should not deter us from pursuing justice.

The intention of pursuing justice is not to win! The intention of pursuing justice is also not necessarily to receive an apology or to receive monetary compensation!

The intention of pursuing justice is really to help ourselves and others: being assertive and setting healthy boundaries not only helps us live a healthy life, but it could also help others change for the better and hopefully live a healthy life too. The intention of pursuing justice is to present and validate the truth! If the legal system cannot bring justice, at least there are other people who will know and believe in the truth.

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. (Desmond Tutu)

If any of my poor experiences were to ever happen to a client of mine, or to a loved one, I would strongly support and encourage them to stand up for themselves.  In fact, I would encourage them, if necessary, to present their issues in a very formal way, as a case to be assessed by a human resources professional, or by some other type of advocate.

I would wish to keep following my own advice.

Equality is very well-served by assuring a policy where all workers, all clients, all students, all members of a group, and all people, are treated with respect and fairness, and where they would never have to deal with discrimination, harassment, bullying, or any form of rude behaviour.

I will keep trying my best to “walk my talk.”

I will also keep trying to empower myself and others, because that’s one of the ways to pursue justice.  

Thank you, to the courageous souls who have supported me on my journey, and who have helped me validate the truth.

I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. (Elie Wiesel)

Sometimes, when we are trying to seek justice, there will be others who discourage us or try to persuade us that it is futile. But the quest for justice is a healthy process unto itself, even if sometimes the desired resolution is unlikely to be achieved. 

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. (Martin Luther King Jr.)

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. (Proverbs 31:8-9)

You must do the thing you think you cannot do. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

It always seems impossible until it’s done. (Nelson Mandela)

Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. (Steve Jobs)

Act boldly and unseen forces will come to your aid. (Dorothea Brande)

Don’t fear failure… in great attempts it is glorious even to fail. (Bruce Lee)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I pursue justice in a legal, peaceful, rational way, for myself and for other fellow human beings.

Forgive Others

Forgiveness is not easy.

Forgiveness is being able to let go from your heart, truly and genuinely.

If you have experienced war, exile, abuse, assault, bullying, discrimination, dishonesty, dehumanizing or rude behaviours from others… you know that it’s not always easy to just forgive.

But forgiveness is possible.

Forgiveness is therapeutic: it gives you freedom and inner peace. Forgiveness is strength. Forgiveness has the power to heal and transform.

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. (Jonathan Lockwood Huie)

Here is a brief but challenging exercise:

Imagine having the same life circumstances as a person who has done harm to you… these circumstances could be a history of adversity (many abusive people have a history of being harmed by others), or it could be exposure to cultural, social, or educational factors which have taught them to behave meanly towards others. In your exercise, I am sure you would feel uncomfortable to feel in the other person’s shoes. It would be a terrible life to be a cruel person yourself! Regardless of the causes of the other person’s cruelty, imagine how difficult it would be to live such a life, and imagine the obstacles there could be to truly changing, accepting justice, apologizing, making amends, dealing with the guilt, and becoming a better person. Be aware that if such a person encounters others, such as past victims, who simply show them hateful or vindictive reactions to their behaviour, it is unlikely for that person to change for the better—in fact, their behaviour is likely to get even worse. 

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart. (Author Unknown)

Exercises like this can help facilitate healing, and it can also be a reminder: strive to do no harm to other people because you know how painful it is to be harmed.

Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not. (Paulo Coelho)  

Forgiveness is not remaining passive and allowing other people to harm us continually. Forgiving is not ignoring or swallowing mean behaviours, but rather is stepping back from our emotions and hurt, and aiming instead for calm, peace, and justice in a rational way. You still need to courageously stand up for yourself, and for others! The great examples that I can think of are Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. They have forgiven, but they continue to talk about what they have been through and ways that can help all of us promote equality and humanity. They are still pursuing justice.

Forgiveness is also not necessarily welcoming people who have harmed you back into your life. Oftentimes, it is actually not safe or healthy for you to be physically or emotionally close to these people, especially if they are not genuinely remorseful and apologetic.

I don’t think people understand that you can forgive a person and not allow them back into your life. That is possible, very possible. (Author Unknown)  

You can love them, forgive them, want good things for them… but still move on without them. (Mandy Hale)

Forgiveness is being able to make peace with your pain… forgiveness is noble… forgiveness is self-love… forgiveness sets you free…

One of the ways to achieve forgiveness is nurturing kindness. But many people ask, how? Be in the presence of genuinely kind people. Yes, spending time with sincerely kind people, learning from them, carrying them in your heart… if they cannot always be around you, then carry those memories with you. Kindness heals. Truly. And you need to practice kindness on a daily basis.  

Another exercise that you can do, whether you are religious or not, is writing down a list of names of people who did harm in your life, or people who treated you rudely or disrespectfully. Then you pray for them or you meditate to practice your compassion. The more you practice, the more peace you will have, and the more beautiful your life will be. But we would have to be careful not to let this exercise be an occasion to ruminate or obsess further, in a way which makes our negative feelings worse. Exercises like this are best if they are planned in advance, time-limited (for example, just 10 minutes), and done at a time when you are feeling a little bit better, instead of a little bit worse. Exercises of any kind are not as helpful if you do them when exhausted or suffering your worst pain… exercise is best done when you are at your best. 

Religious texts often deal with the subject of forgiveness. There are some well-known verses from the Bible which are meant to encourage a different way of dealing with enemies or people who are not kind to us:

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (Luke 6:27-28)

 If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. (Romans 12:20)

I must confess I am not able to do all of these things wholeheartedly. But I have seen people really practicing these scriptures wholeheartedly… many of whom do not have a religious belief. I admire these people, from the very bottom of my heart. I would love to keep learning from them and keep practicing these virtues diligently.

In my personal experience, I once did very kind acts to a bully during one of her hardest times in life; she then apologized to me for having treated me badly. So your forgiveness would not only bring you inner peace, but it could also change the other person!

We know that we cannot always receive a sincere apology from the people who did harm to us—perhaps forgiveness is feeling at peace, with or without an apology. 

Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got. (Robert Brault)

Forgiveness can be a lifelong learning process for some. Don’t punish yourself for being “slow.” Just keep going, and keep practicing. If it has to be your lifelong homework, let it be. It is a beautiful kind of homework anyway.

Forgiveness is the best form of love. It takes a strong person to say sorry and an even stronger person to forgive. (Author Unknown)

 Choose love.

I wish you well.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I practice forgiveness.

Kindness Requires Practice

To live a meaningful life, build a genuine kind heart: remain humble, and help other people. Strive to do no harm to others. Just like with the pursuit of education and knowledge, the pursuit of kindness requires self-discipline and hard work. First, we need to train our mind; second, we need to practice. Practice being kind, saying kind words, doing kind acts, seeing others’ strengths and positive aspects, being genuine, and being patient. We must also practice having awareness of our problems or self-esteem issues, so that we do not engage in projection or put other people down.

It is always important to deeply understand situations. This may involve considering the point of view of the other person. We can practice treating other people in a way that we would like to be treated. Thoughtful, compassionate concern for others helps us let go and forgive too. Such kindness and compassion generate inner peace. 

I think kindness is not something that we have or do not have. It is a daily practice which requires self-reflection, discipline, and healthy discussions with others.

I would like to keep practicing…

Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can. (Dalai Lama)

 Affirmation: I enrich my life when I utilize all of my resources to develop and practice kindness.