Social Comparison

According to the social comparison theory, suggested by psychologist Leon Festinger, we evaluate ourselves through comparing ourselves to our peers: we compare such things as intelligence, wealth, and attractiveness. Social comparison is inevitable and is part of human nature.

Upward comparison refers to comparing ourselves to people who are better than we. Downward comparison refers to comparing ourselves to people who are worse than we. Many studies have shown that both types of comparisons have pros and cons. I encourage you to acquaint yourself with the various complex and conflicting findings about this topic.

When It Gets Out of Hand

While studies show that our brains have a strong tendency to compare ourselves to others, social comparison can get out of hand and become excessive.  

People who engage in upward social comparison can feel inadequate, or inferior to their peers, to a point where they refuse to move forward in life or to try new things. These emotions can lead to a cycle of unhappiness, even jeopardizing people’s identity.

Sometimes, comparison can lead to the emotion of jealousy and even the act of bullying. People who feel insecure about themselves see that others are better than they, and some of them decide to go around bullying others.  

People who are bullied, as a result of others’ comparison and jealousy, need encouragement to be strong and to maintain healthy self-esteem:

Jealousy is the best compliment. (Author Unknown)

Never hate the people who are jealous of you but respect their jealousy because they’re the ones who think that you’re better than them. (Author Unknown)

能受天磨真鐵漢，不遭人忌是庸才。

Unfortunately, many people are deeply and negatively affected by bullying.

I have come to realize that a lot of people have stored bitterness in their hearts, as a result of different adverse or unfair life experiences. And that bitterness cannot be contained; therefore, it spills over into their speech, facial expressions, thoughts, attitudes, decisions… sometimes, they are not aware of that. Hurts, pain, and sorrow all need to be dealt with in a therapeutic manner… otherwise, every decision in life is directed by that stored and trapped bitterness, which would not lead to peace and joy.

Human Nature

Social comparison is part of human nature, but we must learn a healthy way to compare ourselves to others. We can argue that there are many things in life that are part of our human nature, including anger, hatred, and jealousy. In therapy, we know that we cannot reject these emotions, but instead we need to discuss them, express them, and learn to manage them. But with time, perhaps a lengthy period of time, the final goal is to manage these emotions constructively, instead of letting them grow continually in us day after day, or even turn them into harmful actions. Similarly, we do not need to reject social comparison. We can acknowledge that we compare ourselves to other people. But finally, we do need to manage social comparison so that we are not preoccupied with it in a destructive way.  

Can Social Comparison Be Good For You?

Research says yes.

While downward comparison can increase our subjective well-being, the motives behind such comparison can be unhealthy. If we need to see someone else doing badly in order to feel good about ourselves, it shows a weakness in our self-esteem and also a lack of respect for others. 

The healthier approach to downward comparison is: “There are people who are less fortunate than I am; I feel grateful for what I have, and I would like to give what I have, to help other people, and to lift them up, so that we can all feel good about ourselves!”

青出於藍, 而勝於藍

The blue dye, 青, extracted from the plant, 藍, has a deeper colour than the plant

Meaning: the student, taught by the teacher, outperforms the teacher, or people surpass their predecessors 

The greatest teachers (the “plants”) would not only want their students (the “dye”) to do well, but to surpass themselves!

Upward comparison can motivate us to do better. When we acknowledge that we have a growth mindset and we learn from others who are more successful than we are, we can improve ourselves. Sometimes we don’t even need to “improve ourselves”: we can simply appreciate someone else’s talent or success. If we enjoy a great artist, musician, or writer, we don’t necessarily need to then attempt to become a great artist ourselves… we can accept the talents and skills of others as a joy of nature, and we can even carry on enjoying our own more humble talents and skills.

Let’s always remember that no matter how much we achieve, there is something that we don't have, but other people have. And there is something that we have, but others don't have. To spend our lifetime comparing ourselves to our peers and feeling inadequate or jealous would be an endless and unnecessary burden. In reality, there is no end of comparison.

I strongly believe that when we reach the point of healthy self-worth, we would not spend too much of our time and energy comparing ourselves to other people. Instead, we would shift our focus, and be intrinsically motivated to improve ourselves and help others improve themselves too.

Schadenfreude

If other people suffer, especially those who have harmed us in the past or those whom we feel jealous of, and we derive pleasure from their misfortune and feel better about ourselves as a result of that, what good can come from this type of happiness? Such happiness is temporary, and it would probably lead to the feeling of guilt. How can we let other people’s suffering be the foundation of our happiness? How can such happiness be pure and long-lasting? To derive pleasure from people’s misfortune often originates from bitterness, low self-worth, or the inability to genuinely forgive others. 

Perhaps we all have a good guy and a bad guy inside of us.

Maybe all of us have a battle within ourselves; some may have a bigger battle, while others may have a smaller battle. We do not need to fear the bad guy or even pretend that the bad guy does not exist. What we have to do is to let the good guy be in charge, and learn ways to tame the bad guy so that it doesn’t get much of a chance to direct our speech and behaviour, or make life decisions for us.

Self-improvement

When it comes to self-improvement, I always strive to focus on myself because I know that we are all gifted in different ways. I want to be myself: recognize my strengths, expand the areas that I am good at, be creative, and find my own path. I try my best, and I leave the rest.

I am in competition with no-one. I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone. I just aim to improve, to be better than I was yesterday. (Author Unknown)

We may engage in social comparison now and then. But as with everything in life, if we do not find it helpful or healthy, we do not have to play with the idea, and we must practice stepping away from it.   

Mediocrity

There is a lot of competition nowadays in everything from academics to sports to performing arts, such as music recitals. Sometimes a focus on achievement, and a commitment to strive even in the context of failure could lead to an unhappy perfectionism, and a larger failure to appreciate the joy and meaning of the activity itself, such as learning, playing on a team, or playing music for self and others. So I think that purposefulness even in the context of some kind of mediocre performance is vital as a life skill. It is great to strive for excellence, but greater still to strive to share meaning even with modest technical skills. 

I think the therapeutic answer to this is to encourage a view of life in which we can humbly accept aspects of ourselves which are mediocre without becoming angrily threatened by challengers who exceed us in some way. That is, to develop a grand sense of sportsmanship in life, where one can be polite and gracious, yet self-respecting and happy, even when your competitor is beating you in a game!

Many therapy clients might have a similar problem, of envying others who are more successful in life, academically, professionally, socially, etc.; a common pathway is for such a client to stew with resentment, and then to feel worse and worse with time. A more therapeutic pathway is to help that person celebrate their special role in the world, in spite of, or even because of, those parts of themselves which might be mediocre.

The Positive Side of Social Comparison 

If we have compared ourselves to other people, we would realize that there are many people in the world who are just as talented or accomplished or attractive as we are, or even better than we are! Such realization can help us remain humble.

You are special, but you are not the only special one!

井底之蛙 

A frog at the bottom of a well has only a limited view of the sky.

This is a Chinese idiom that conveys the idea that boastfulness or ignorance is often caused by a limited perspective, and unhappy life circumstances.

Only frogs in the well would think that they are “the best” because they have lived in the well for too long. But if they were willing to climb out of the well, they would see that the real sky is unlimited.

Any award or position or wealth that you have acquired could also be acquired—or exceeded—by other people. People may have accomplished similar things in the past. Other people may accomplish similar things in the future. You can be a prodigy and excel in one area or many areas in life, but there must be an area that you are not good at, or an area in which you require others’ assistance or guidance.

Be humble. Humility is good for you, for other people, and for the world.

We can rejoice in each other’s success and support each other.

We do not have to be competitors. We can be allies—or better still, one humanity.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I strive for personal growth and self-improvement, while respecting and admiring the achievements of others. 

Be Kind to Yourself

Be kind to others, but also to yourself!

One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself (Rubin, 2015, p. 352).

Research suggests that cultivating your own joy and happiness has benefits not just for you, but also for others in your life. When we are able to move beyond our own pain and suffering, we are more available to others; pain causes us to be extremely self-focused. Whether the pain is physical or mental, it seems to consume all of our focus and leave very little attention for others (Dalai Lama, TuTu, & Abrams, 2016, p. 62).

If you have depression, it may be hard for you to “be happy.” If you have experienced abuse, sometimes it may be hard for you to know your own worth, to value yourself, or to take good care of yourself. You may not know how to set healthy boundaries, to protect yourself or to stand up for yourself, and to live a happy life. Or your boundaries may have become too rigid—this leads to difficulty trusting other people, and to other negative effects on your relationships with others. It takes time to heal, to learn, and to improve. Seek help from a therapist and persist with treatments. In the process of treatment, be kind to yourself too! There is help, and there is hope!

Make your own recovery the first priority in your life. (Robin Norwood)

When you are healthy, happy, and physically and emotionally stable, you can give your best to others and make other people feel happy and content. So be your own lover! Find creative, interesting, or even romantic ways to make yourself smile! Pamper yourself once in a while! Have a sweet and caring relationship with yourself. This helps maintain healthy well-being.

Self-talk

We all have dialogues with ourselves: to think things through, to weigh the pros and cons of decisions, and to evaluate others and ourselves. But sometimes we could look too closely at ourselves and become too self-critical! People who have self-esteem issues or a history of abuse may sometimes have a very cruel view of themselves. During those times, what I would encourage people to do is to read the following affirmation and meditate on it:

I remember all the bitter thoughts that crossed my mind, words that came out of my mouth, and actions that I did. I remember all the mistakes, embarrassment, or even regrets in my life. It wouldn’t be fair if I only focus on my weaknesses though. So I deliberately think about my strengths as well. I recall all the compliments and encouragement that I have received in my life. I acknowledge my gifts and talents. I feel proud of my accomplishments. And I remember all the sincere and appreciative words and gestures that people have given me. Now, I look at both sides. I acknowledge that my strengths and weaknesses are both part of me. No one is perfect. I am imperfect. I choose to embrace both sides of me. I choose to like both sides of me. I will not let my past or my flaws hold me back—everyone is changing, including me! I forgive myself. I am able to work hard to improve myself, and I work hard to maintain those parts that I like. Even if I am sometimes too tired to do this work, I know that I am a good person, that I have value, and that I will do what I can with the energy that I have. And finally, I make peace with myself.

Remember, everyone deserves love, respect, and kindness, including yourself!

It is normal to encounter some people who dislike you, or who may treat you unkindly… if this happens, brush it off and move on. Don’t join the people who dislike you or judge you harshly. Try not to believe in words spoken by people who are embittered.

Join the people who love you dearly and sincerely! 

Do not speak badly of yourself. For the warrior within hears your words and is lessened by them. (David Gemmell)

Body Image

Sometimes, we can develop a distorted or perfectionistic view of our body image. As a result, we may criticize our body too much, sometimes using disrespectful or even nasty language.

Our relationship with our body is like any type of relationship: the relationship thrives not because it is completely perfect, filled with only positive interactions. There are enjoyable times, but also unpleasant times.  In order to maintain a good and healthy relationship with a friend or a family member, we do need to tolerate arguments or disagreements sometimes, and focus more on what we value in the relationship or in the person. 

Developing a healthy relationship with our body requires acceptance of our perceived imperfections, as well as appreciation of the parts that we like about ourselves. Treat and talk to your body as though your body were your loved one. If you have body image issues, there are many therapeutic, evidence-based exercises that can be helpful. Improvements do not happen overnight, but with time and practice, you will come to realize that you are able to love and embrace your entire body and your entire self. You may even come to realize that your perceived imperfections are just right for you. 

One of the things that I recommend to any person is portrait photography in nature. Take artistic photographs of yourself! You can hire a professional photographer, or you can learn how to become a self-portrait photographer yourself.  

Being the subject of a photo shoot allows us to express ourselves, generate self-awareness, learn about mindfulness, and develop self-acceptance.

Nature has wonderful healing properties!

The experience could lead to a feeling of love and gratitude for nature. The final products, which are the photographs, remind the photographer and the subjects that their work together had created these unique sets of photos. This collaboration, creation, and celebration of goodness and beauty, is the foundation of art.  Reviewing the photographs can help us acquire a positive, reflective, and accepting perspective of our physical selves.  

Actualize Your Potential

When you spend your time and energy putting yourself down, ruminating on your past mistakes, feeling jealous of others, envying other people’s achievements, or showing off your things, you take away your limited time and energy which would be better used to actualize your potential and to live out the purpose of your life. You are special, unique, full of wonderful gifts and talents! You don’t have to look at what other people are doing; you can focus on your own life, discover your own gifts, and strive to live up to your potential, no matter where you are on your journey now. Don’t let jealousy and envy disrupt your peace of mind. Fight to become the person whom you like.

Embrace Yourself

You are precious. 

You are loved.

You are enough. 

Choice, not chance, determines your destiny. It’s up to you to decide what you are worth, how you matter, and how you make meaning in the world. No one else has your gifts—your sets of talents, ideas, interests. You are an original. A masterpiece. (Regina Brett)

Affirmations: I enrich my life when I ensure that I treat and communicate with myself kindly. I enrich my life when I accept and love my whole self.

References

Dalai Lama, Tutu, D., & Abrams, D. (2016). The book of joy: Lasting happiness in a changing world. New York, NY: Viking.

Rubin, G. (2015). The happiness project: Or why I spent a year trying to sing in the morning, clean my closets, fight right, read Aristotle, and generally have more fun. New York, NY: Harper.

Coming Out

“Coming out” is a term used to describe people of the LGBTQ+ community disclosing their sexual orientation or gender identity to others. The process of coming out can be extremely stressful, involving risks, stigma, oppression, discrimination, or shame.   

I have always believed the term “coming out” should not only be reserved for people of the LGBTQ+ community, but also for victims of emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual abuse.

I have also believed the term “coming out” should be applicable to all people who have been through war, exile, harassment, assault, rape, bullying, or discrimination based on their age, sex, gender, race, sexual orientation, social status, religious belief, physical disabilities, or mental health issues.

In fact, maybe “coming out” could refer to sharing any authentic part of ourselves which had previously been kept secret or hidden. Sometimes we all can hide important parts of ourselves and our experiences, in such a way that it limits our freedom and joy of life. 

The common factor with all these “coming out” situations is that there could be a fear of being judged negatively by others, if the truth or the stories were known. So people have historically dealt with this fear of judgment by staying silent. Such silence, however, is harmful to all of us, and is harmful to society itself. It is healing and liberating for individuals, as well as for all of society, to speak the truth.

Telling people your true stories of difficult life experiences and showing people who you really are can be stressful; it could involve risks, stigma, oppression, discrimination, or shame. But these painful memories, stories, or scars are part of you, part of who you are. You do not have to be silent. You do not have to hide yourself and your own stories. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Be brave enough to let people know who you are.

Suffering is our Common Ground

I have stumbled across a Youtube video, which I find moving and encouraging (DeGeneres, 2017). A very short clip of Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, and Michelle Obama—exchanging purely positive energy!

Listen to the way they talk to each other, listen to their words… is there a tiny little bit of jealousy there? No!

Any fear of their friends achieving greater accomplishments than themselves? No!

They lift each other up, encourage and support each other, embrace each other wholeheartedly, and wish each other well sincerely! What do you see in their smiles? Do they have healthy self-esteem?

All of them have been through hardships, in their own unique way.

But they have chosen to use their adversity as an asset to help other people.

One of the most amazing things about human suffering is that it can have the potential to help us understand each other, develop compassion for each other, and connect us to each other. All human suffering, if we have wisdom and open-mindedness to interpret them, shares common ground. This could be considered an “existential” idea—for this reason, Existential Therapy is one of my favourite therapies. And promoting equality and humanity is of paramount importance!

Healthy self-esteem is not attained only when a person has fame and wealth. Some people who have wealth, fame, luxuries, education, or a respected profession can still have very low self-esteem and can still have so much bitterness that they treat others unkindly and do not wish other people well!

Healthy self-esteem is a choice, made by your humility, self-awareness, disciplined hard work, and willingness to be guided by genuinely kind and compassionate people.

Be Brave

By protecting your abusers, violators, and bullies, due to personal, familial, cultural, or religious values and beliefs, you suffer. By burying the truth, healing is hindered. By denying your pain, you pass on brokenness to the next generations or to other people.

When you keep things on the inside, the weight of it can hold you down. (Iyanla Vanzant)

Do not be silent! Come out and speak the truth!

It requires a great deal of courage, strength, and self-esteem to share your difficult stories, or to tell people who you are.

By sharing your stories, not only are you empowering yourself, but you are also empowering other people, encouraging other people to do the same, leading to less stigma, discrimination, shame, oppression, and violence, but more understanding, compassion, equality, freedom, and love!  

There will be people who respect you, admire your encourage, support you, cheer you on, and actually feel motivated to join you!

There will also be people who laugh at you, discriminate against you, condemn you, doubt you, or oppress you. In the video, we learn that Oprah and Ellen received a lot of hate mail and even death threats (DeGeneres, 2017)! Try not to focus too much on the people who lack understanding, compassion, and support; sometimes it takes a while for people to develop understanding, and sometimes, there are people who choose not to develop compassion for you, for other people, and even for themselves!

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. (Mother Teresa)  

The strongest actions for a woman is to love herself, be herself, and shine amongst those who never believed she could. (Author Unknown)

I was once afraid of people saying, “Who does she think she is?” Now I have the courage to stand and say, “This is who I am.” (Oprah Winfrey)

If there is anyone on your journey who tries to shame you, rest assured that there are other genuine, compassionate, and kind people standing by you, supporting you fully, and cheering you on. Do not let negative behaviour from others hinder you from living a healthy, happy life! You deserve love, respect, and kindness!

The process of “coming out” can be scary, nerve-wracking, unsettling… but being able to accept and come close to your true stories, and letting people know who you are is therapeutic. In cases of abuse or trauma, the negative stories may become part of identity, sometimes in a very unwelcome way. But by sharing these stories courageously, the adversity can lose its power to define your identity. Your identity need not be one of an “abused person,” but rather it can become up to you to define… abuse or trauma may be part of your story, but as long as it is not kept secret or bottled up, it doesn’t have to have a damaging effect on your identity.   

I encourage you to take one step at a time, and start sharing your stories with one or two of your close confidants who have shown you trustworthiness, understanding, respect, and compassion. Working with a therapist in the process can be immensely helpful; sharing with your therapist is already a kind of disclosure, and therapy offers understanding, support, and healing.

Remember, you are the one in control: when you would like to tell people your stories, how you would like to talk about them, who you would like to disclose your stories to, or how much detail you would like to go into are all under your control. Treat yourself with gentle care and compassion. Listen to your heart above all other voices. Know your limits and try not to let your sharing become too overwhelming. Share it only when you are ready, and start sharing with the people who are genuinely compassionate and open-minded. You are not obligated to tell everyone all of your stories.

Be courageous and be kind.

Let your light shine: it is never, ever meant to be dimmed.

Your whole calling is about you being who you were meant to be…. You would not be who you are… you wouldn’t have been able to open hearts, and touch hearts, and change people’s minds, and make a difference in the world had you not had the courage to do that. And 20 years ago, you had no idea it would put you in this seat. (Oprah Winfrey said to Ellen DeGeneres)

 Live a life that says: “This is who I am.”

The science behind revealing our stories and telling people who we are

Studies show that people who have written about their trauma exhibit improved physical health and reduced visits to physicians. Writing about traumatic experiences can prompt people to discuss the details of their trauma with others, which in turn lead to improved social relationships. When people keep their traumatic experiences secret, they are more likely to be socially isolated and to suffer alone, leading to lessened ability to cope with the traumatic symptoms (Pennebaker & Graybeal, 2001; Sloan, Marx, Bovin, Feinstein, & Gallagher, 2012; Stuckey & Noble, 2010). 

If you are interested in writing about your trauma or other difficult life experiences, there are books that can help you start, such as The Story You Need to Tell: Writing to Heal from Trauma, Illness, or Loss (Marinella, 2017).

Liberation & Balance

There are many reasons to communicate about past traumatic experiences. By sharing, and “coming out,” with a person whom you trust, it can allow you to feel more free. The events from the past will then have less power over you. And you will be less alone with your memories. 

Sometimes, we can become immersed and preoccupied with our negative memories. This is something to watch out for: remember, a goal of sharing your story is to be more free, to empower yourself, and to empower others! Be careful not to let the frequent sharing of your story become something that only makes you ruminate, or makes you feel more trapped in negative memories. So, we must strive for balance as well as openness. Sharing, and “coming out” with our painful stories, may also allow us the freedom to also “come out” with our joys, our talents, and all other parts of ourselves. 

How you tell your story can keep you wounded and stuck, or it can help you grow in understanding. (Iyanla Vanzant)

May Your Voice Be Kind  

Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for 27 years, but he did not come out of the prison with bitterness. Instead, he transformed his adversity into kindness, humility, peace, wisdom, and positive changes for his country!

Practice using a calm, peaceful tone of voice and transform your adversity into kindness. In the process of sharing, may you search for meaning and purpose, practice gratitude and forgiveness, and embrace faith and hope.  

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison. (Nelson Mandela)

No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite. (Nelson Mandela)

Love

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, said, “As it happens, I did most of my work for no money at all, in clinics for the poor” (Frankl, 2006).

I admire him, for his love, courage, and wisdom.

During the Holocaust, Frankl was a prisoner in concentration camps. He wrote Man’s Search for Meaning, which was first published in 1946, based on his experiences and observation of other fellow prisoners’ experiences (Frankl, 2006). I think Frankl’s work is an act of great leadership—to guide us, through personal example, how to approach suffering and adversity by nurturing hope while developing our values and inner strengths. I think his own personal experience of unbelievable suffering makes his message unbelievably deep and persuasive, as though his own voice is like the voice of a million people. His book itself, and the story of how it was created, is part of his own therapy! I love therapeutic ideas where the therapist can lead by personal example.  

Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true. (Viktor Frankl)

As a psychotherapist, I believe it is not the most fancy skills, techniques, and assessment tools that heal, although it is important and interesting to learn about them. Love and unconditional positive regard are the essential healing components in therapy. It is love that heals.

Compassion, kindness, and forgiveness shall not only be reserved for people whom we love, but also for our enemies, abusers, bullies, people who do not like us, and people whom we do not like.  

One of Paul Bloom (2016)’s points, in Against Empathy, is that maybe we don’t have to like or love people who do us harm, but we do have to manage our anger or dislike in a peaceful way, so that we do not get drawn into an escalating cycle of aggression or even violence. I think, though, that the idea of “love” is exactly that: “love” in the agape, or the Christian sense, suggests an attitude of peacefulness, tolerance, and self-control, even with people whom we do not like or who do not like us. 

The latest brain scan research suggests that we have a rather binary understanding of self and other and that our empathy circuits do not activate unless we see the other person as part of our own group. So many wars have been fought and so much injustice has been perpetrated because we’ve banished others from our group and therefore our circle of concern (Dalai Lama, Tutu, & Abrams, 2016, p. 183).

Loving the people who love you is easy. Loving the people who have done harm in your life, or whom you do not appreciate is not. But it is possible, and not only it is possible, it is healing, transformative, and liberating. I am no different from the people who do not like me or whom I do not like, if I were to refuse practicing compassion and forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not only happen under the condition of bullies, abusers, or violators apologizing sincerely, making amends, or participating in restorative practice. Some people are resistant to reflect on their problematic behaviour and make positive changes in their life. When these people are not sincerely remorseful and apologetic, it may not be safe or healthy to be physically or emotionally close to them. But forgiveness, developing compassion for them, striving to do no harm to them, as well as letting go of hatred and anger is still possible. 

To be able to love your enemies requires time, disciplined effort, and sustained practice.

Love heals.

May we always choose love, no matter where we are on our journey and no matter how hard it is… love for all humanity.

Equality Reduces Violence in the World

Stephen Pinker (2011)’s book, The better angels of our nature: Why violence has declined, reviews a huge body of evidence showing that historic rates of violence, in almost all its forms, were proportionally orders of magnitude higher the farther back in history one goes. With this violence, obviously there was a much lower degree of wellness in all its forms. Part of his thesis is an examination of causes for reductions in violence, and an examination of causes for why violence still persists.

Pinker (2011) has his own generalized list of features of a healthier community associated with reduced rates of violence, including having freedom of speech, free trade (which transforms “zero sum” situations of aggressive looting into “win-win” situations of mutual cooperation), a cultural emphasis on empathy and cooperation rather than chauvinism, and especially an emphasis on universal education (particularly with equal access for men and women) to foster reason, communication, and understanding of others. His evidence is quite compelling, in a lengthy survey encompassing thousands of years of human history. He also adds an argument with some evidence-based support, that there has been selective pressure in recent centuries,  towards a decline in aggressiveness in human populations: quite simply, aggressive, violent, impulsive behaviour is found to be much less attractive or permissible in a mate in the modern age, compared to hundreds or thousands of years ago.  

In my pursuit, as a psychotherapist, to help increase wellness, I think the same principles apply as those which reduce societal violence: encouragement personally and politically to have better education, improved equality for all, and an economy which is based on fairness with a global view. 

Life

Life is filled with pain and struggles, but also surprises and happiness.

In the midst of suffering, we can learn to derive meaning from it, and we can also continue to embrace all the wonderful things in the world, such as spending time with our loved ones, journaling, reading, listening to music, drinking a cup of rooibos tea or brown rice green tea (my recent favourite beverages), exercising, being in nature, painting, enjoying our fashion style, savouring sweet memories, smiling, and even laughing!

You are allowed to feel sad and shed tears, but you are also allowed to feel happy and laugh, no matter what you have been through in life! Being able to smile or laugh, even when you are surrounded by arduous experiences and memories, is a sign of resilience.

Life is like a movie; there are comedies, tragedies, a mix of both, and boring movies which are neither joyful nor miserable. As long as you play your part to the fullest, your movie is a good one. (Tong King Sum / 唐景森)

I wish you freedom. I wish you peace. And I wish you healing.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I “come out,” speak the true stories of my life, and let people know who I am.

References

Bloom, P. (2016). Against empathy: The case for rational compassion. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

Dalai Lama, Tutu, D., & Abrams, D. (2016). The book of joy: Lasting happiness in a changing world. New York, NY: Viking.

DeGeneres, E. [TheEllenShow]. (2017, April 28). Oprah and Ellen remember the history-changing 'coming out' episode [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZyodLr-4oY

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man's search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. Boston, MA: Beacon Press.

Marinella, S. (2017). The story you need to tell: Writing to heal from trauma, illness, or loss. Novato, CA: New World Library.

Pennebaker, J. W., & Graybeal, A. (2001). Patterns of natural language use: Disclosure, personality, and social integration. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 10(3), 90-93. doi:10.1111/1467-8721.00123

Pinker, S. (2011). The better angels of our nature: Why violence has declined. New York, NY: Viking.

Sloan, D. M., Marx, B. P., Bovin, M. J., Feinstein, B. A., & Gallagher, M. W. (2012). Written exposure as an intervention for PTSD: A randomised clinical trial with motor vehicle accident survivors. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 50(10), 627-635. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2012.07.001

Stuckey, H. L., & Noble, J. (2010). The connection between art, healing, and public health: A review of current literature. American Journal of Public Health, 100(2), 254-263. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2008.156497

Your Smile

When people at my workplace smile at me, when people at the bank smile at me, or when strangers smile at me… they really brighten up my day, and I journal it, as one of the items in my gratitude journal!

Being observant of your surroundings is healthy and meaningful. Listen to the sounds that you are hearing, smell the scent of the flowers and trees, feel the pleasant breeze blowing through your hair, look at the flowers and trees in a very deliberate, mindful way, pay attention to children walking jubilantly on the sidewalks, pay attention to elders and see if they need help to open the door, and pay attention to people who cross your path and smile at them!

Your smile releases a cascade of neurotransmitters and hormones in your brain, which can help you reduce stress, generate positive emotions, improve your health, appear more attractive, and live a longer life (Abel & Kruger, 2010; Golle, Mast, & Lobmaier, 2014; Lane, 2000)!

Smile; it’s free therapy! (Douglas Horton)     

Your smile is contagious; when you smile at others, it is likely that they will smile back at you (Hatfield, Cacioppo, & Rapson, 1992).  Your smile, although it may seem like a small effort, is literally an act of kindness; you are passing on kindness and making the world a much more beautiful place!

To all the nice people, thank you for smiling at me and brightening up my days! :) 

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. (Mother Teresa)

Make someone smile whenever you can, you never know how much of a difference you could be making in their life at that moment. (Author Unknown) 

Smiling at a stranger with eye contact that lingers and says with no words, “I see you” and “They truly see me!” Then the smile isn’t just polite anymore; it’s real. The whole world seems to pause and what was once rushed gets remembered. (Julia Monroe)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I smile! 

References

Abel, E. L., & Kruger, M. L. (2010). Smile intensity in photographs predicts longevity. Psychological Science, 21(4), 542-544. doi:10.1177/095679761036377

Golle, J., Mast, F. W., & Lobmaier, J. S. (2014). Something to smile about: The interrelationship between attractiveness and emotional expression. Cognition and Emotion, 28(2), 298-310. doi:10.1080/02699931.2013.817383

Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. T., & Rapson, R. L. (1992). Primitive emotional contagion. In M. S. Clark (Ed.), Emotion and social behaviour: Review of personality and social psychology (pp. 151-177). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

Lane, R. D. R. (2000). Neural correlates of conscious emotional experience. In R. D. R., Lane, L. Nadel, G. L. Ahern, J. J. B. Allen, & A. W. Kaszniak (Eds.), Cognitive neuroscience of emotion (pp. 345-370). New York, US: Oxford University Press. 

My Personal Reflection

Happy spring, everyone!

Since 2017, I have been doing a lot of cleaning, decluttering, organizing as well as completing a little room makeover. It is refreshing! I have also planned a few projects in my life. I feel grateful that I have had a fantastic start this year. I hope you have too!

This post is going to be about insights that I have gained from my ordinary experiences. I have always loved storytellers; they have inspired me significantly. I see them as brave people who are willing to share a part of themselves with us, as a means to encourage or to inspire or to deliver a positive message. It can be nerve-wracking to share parts of yourself with an audience, an audience that is not always kind and accepting, but if you perceive that the act of sharing may help encourage others—even just one person—you would do it regardless.

My Blog

If you are reading this blog post now, thank you!

I have had this blog for 9 months now. I do not know how other bloggers start, but in my case, I accumulated my insights, ideas, knowledge, writing, photography, and artwork during a four-year period, before I finally started publishing online. When I gathered the first parts and published it last year, it was a dream come true.

Since then I have created more artwork, inspired by more life experiences and readings, and written many more new blog posts. I feel immensely thankful. In particular, I feel thankful for people coming up to me in person and telling me that they have read my blog and like it very much! It’s encouraging. It’s like a painter who would like to showcase her painting, or a movie director who wants people to go to the theatre to watch his movie. Knowing that people actually view your artwork is an indescribable joy. I am far from being a great writer, but I would love to keep writing, keep practicing, and keep improving. Having the opportunity to create the way I want in my “therapeutic garden” is a blessing.

I acknowledge that my writing, my artwork, and I as a person cannot please everyone. I have touched on a lot of sensitive topics in my blog. My intention is a sincere wish to bring awareness and to talk about subject matters that many people do not have thorough understanding about. As well, I would like to touch on topics that people may feel scared to talk about.

Is it scary? Yes, it is, but I am doing it anyway. I feel grateful for my knowledge, my culture, my experiences, and my encounters with many different people—they are all integrated in my writing.

I believe many of us can resonate with the following quote:

It is not found in books,

They are merely maps.

It is buried deep

In experience. (Janine Canan) 

It is not either education or experience, but the integration of both. It is also having open-mindedness to actively apply what you learn from books and your stories and other people’s experiences to your life.

Over the years, I find it fascinating how integrating all of my knowledge and experiences, and other people’s experiences, can answer a lot of philosophical questions. The process of growth and development, although difficult and confusing at times, can be a very intriguing and mind-opening experience.

We can probably all agree that a person’s age or a person’s occupation may not always be an accurate reflection of a person’s mastery and understanding of life itself. Oftentimes, it is adversity that helps us grow and gain wisdom that cannot be obtained otherwise.

Darkness deserves gratitude. It is the alleluia point at which we learn to understand that all growth does not take place in the sunlight. (Joan D. Chittister)

I see adversity as a powerful “encyclopedia”—it reveals all the connections between all beings and the law of nature, and it allows you to understand human suffering and problems, or human existence, in such an immensely intricate but deeply meaningful way.

If we choose to use it wisely, adversity is an asset, not a burden.

It is often in the trail of adversity that we learn those most critical lessons that form our character and shape our destiny. (Dieter F. Uchtdorf)

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. (Bruce Lee)

I feel thankful for people who support and encourage me all along. I received an encouragement from a loved one recently, and after hearing what she said, I have all the more reason to keep writing!

If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try. (Seth Godin)

It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave. (Mandy Hale)

A goal should scare you a little, and excite you a lot. (Joe Vitale)

When your thoughts are presented out there, people get the opportunity to criticize you or judge you even more than if you were to remain in the background. However, I tell people who are socially withdrawn this: whether you speak or remain silent, there will always be some people who will criticize you.  So would you like to remain silent for the rest of your life, or would you like to live a life that you want? Would you like to speak your mind, do what you like, and live a healthy, happy life? Choose freedom!

I agree with many speakers, writers, bloggers, activists, and advocates—we write or talk not because we are perfect or want to present ourselves as above everyone else. We write or talk because there are so many beautiful, healthy, loving principles that we would like to live by and work on, together, with you!   We strive hard to “walk our talks,” but at that same time, like each of you, we are not perfect, and sometimes we fail. That makes us human…  together, we will discover many more healthy ways to live a good life, and we will encourage each other along the way!

There are still many topics that I would love to write about. I feel excited for this little project that I have. And there are more projects that I would like to pursue in the near future. Working as a psychotherapist is already one of them, which makes me feel at peace.

My Work as a Therapist  

I have had my private practice for 6 months now.

There was a delay in getting started with my practice, which at the time felt like a very frustrating disappointment, but I have long let go of any negative feeling about this. Indeed, I now feel grateful for this experience. It makes me appreciate my current situation so, so much more! And now I always have a little story to tell (Thankfully, my beloved grandfather also had a chance to listen to it before he died)!   

Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations. (Author Unknown)

Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better. (Steve Maraboli)

Fortunately, when I decided to set up my private practice, I did not have to wait very long before I started seeing the first few clients—just a bit over a month! Then after working for two months, I moved to a new office. Looking back on it now, I realize how lucky I am, and how everything really happens for a reason!  

Thank you, to all the kind individuals, who genuinely encouraged me and sincerely wished me well! I even have a little bit of gratitude for those who discouraged me, because I think this helped me own my decision strongly. A bold decision made without unanimous support needs to be made with the full force of your will and autonomy. Finally, I thank myself: for my courage, hard work, patience, and perseverance.    

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step. (Martin Luther King Jr.)

A mentor said to me: “It is your calling.” Another one of my mentors reminded me that it’s a blessing to be able to find a career that you sincerely love! Oftentimes, people may say that being a psychotherapist is such a challenging, stressful job, and it can be. But I can’t tell you enough how much I love my work, and how much meaning I find in being a psychotherapist.

When I see clients taking positive steps in their life, growing, managing difficult life situations, or having positive relationships in life… I am deeply moved by it…

Agape is the term that comes to my mind—an ancient Greek word, describing the highest form of love. To be able to provide quality care to clients, offer long-term psychotherapy, help people with financial difficulties… are some of the reasons why I chose private practice in the first place. I aspire to keep practicing kindness in my work and in my life. I feel grateful that I can call my job my life.

There are times that I worry about my clients too—I think every good therapist would experience that at some point in their career. I try to do what I teach: I pray, meditate, journal, and engage in many other healthy activities to manage my worries. To me, case notes and treatment planning are some of the things that really help me as a therapist—I assign a certain amount of time to reflect and to get prepared. Just like life, we can’t always prepare for everything; we also have to act in the moment! I have grown to love coming up with an analogy or an insight on the spot that could potentially be helpful… it is like art… my work allows me to be creative and meaningful at the same time. 

It is my commitment to treat all my clients, no matter what their problems are, with gentleness and patience, kindness and compassion. Sometimes I challenge my clients, when there is good rapport and when a safe, supportive environment has been built. I realize that there are many techniques and many different styles of therapies that therapists utilize and clients find helpful, and I also acknowledge that a lot of scenarios can really test our patience, but my personal style is not to scold or to get frustrated, but to listen compassionately, guide gently, and wait patiently. And if I make a mistake in the therapy room, I am always ready to apologize and make amends.

I do not know what the future holds for me. But what I know for sure is that I will be serving other people for as long as I live, in whatever way that I can. And no matter how small my efforts are, I believe little acts of kindness can help others feel uplifted, motivate them to externalize and pass on kindness, and multiply goodness in the world.

 If you also find passion, meaning, and peace in your work, be grateful!

Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life. (Wayne W. Dyer)

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered, “Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. (Confucius)  

The quote above is attributed to Confucius due to the following Chinese phrase: 知之者不如好之者，好之者不如樂之者。 The translation may be slightly different, and well, sometimes, we can’t always know who said, wrote, or interpreted a good quote. As long as it is a quote with wisdom, I think the author of it is not that important.

If you don’t enjoy your work, discuss with a trusted individual whether you would need to change your job, manage your stress, change your attitude, or figure out whether there are underlying issues affecting you.

Continuing Education

I believe many of us would consider ourselves as lifelong learners, which is such a beautiful way to live. Whether you are learning a language, learning how to play a musical instrument, learning a new hobby, learning about history, politics, environmental issues, religions, etc., or learning more about yourself, I applaud your hard work and dedication.

When I encounter speakers who help strengthen my passion, books and studies that inspire me to apply wonderful ideas to life, insights that I derive from my own writing, or feedback from mentors… I feel grateful that I am a learner. The process of learning is a very humbling and stimulating process. It makes life interesting and meaningful.

I hope we can all keep learning from each other.

The greatest leaders, the most wonderful characters whom I have known often say that they are still learning, and not only that, they tell you that they are learning something from you! They are unbelievably humble. They don’t boast about themselves: their intelligence, kindness, and achievements are all self-evident. They praise other people, and they lift other people up—consistently! That’s what real leaders are like!

True leaders don’t create followers, they create more leaders. (Ziad K. Abdelnour)

If you are in a leadership position, and if you are willing to have a sincere and humble attitude of learning from your clients, students, peers, workers, or members, you would not only be an exceptional leader, but also a growing person yourself.

Lifelong learners are humble and do not consider themselves as all-knowing, which is one of the healthiest, happiest ways to live.

Humility helps you appreciate and experience life in such a deeply moving, extraordinary way. It helps you grow, learn, and change for the better. It brings you healthy relationships in life, and people respect you sincerely.

I would love to keep being a learner!

Hobbies

I have always had a busy schedule throughout most of my life. Not only do I have responsibilities and goals, I also like to spend much time listening to or helping other people. I had just started volunteering to visit elderly patients in a hospital setting last month, which is a meaningful experience for me. I admire many elders’ courage, positivity, and resilience—they are inspiring, people whom we can all learn from!

Sometimes, people are surprised to know that I still have time for myself, for my hobbies! I spend much time reading and writing, taking and editing photographs, exercising, doing art, learning new things, etc.  When people see my paintings or photography work, they ask me,   “How do you still have time for these leisure activities?”

To me, hobbies and interests are not simply optional things in life! They are mandatory! They are basic necessities to live a healthy life! They are not something that I will only do when I have time.   I make time for them. They are part of my life, because they are the things that give me peace, energy, and confidence, which will help me achieve my goals much more effectively!

Take time to do what makes your soul happy. (Author Unknown)

Confidence, Setbacks, and Goals

I strive to maintain my confidence, even when times are hard.  Sometimes it is difficult to remain confident, but my confidence is something that has helped me tremendously whenever I encounter setbacks in life. My confidence helps me stay calm, think rationally, find opportunities, or change paths. I do not feel devastated. And my confidence or a sense of security does not just come in one day—to me, I have worked hard for it, a little by little over the past decade. By sharing this, I would like to encourage you to also build your confidence—it takes time, courage, and practice. Building confidence requires gentle care and guidance.

Building healthy self-esteem is not equivalent to arrogance; it requires an integration of humility and self-acceptance. It involves open-mindedness to be willing to see your flaws or weaknesses, challenge yourself, and make positive changes. There is always room for improvement! Be humble and be brave. Compete with yourself, not with other people! It also involves knowing yourself very well and nourishing the core, positive parts of yourself without changing them just to be liked or to be accepted by others.   

 Don’t let anyone define you. You define yourself. (Billie Jean King)

It takes time to come to a point where you can shrug at how people treat you, what people think about you, or what people say behind your back. So if you are not there yet, be patient or seek help!  

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don't let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. (Steve Jobs)

How would you like to spend your time and energy?

I would not like to spend my time, my energy, or my life focusing on people who do not treat me well or do not think or speak kindly about me.

I would like to spend my time and energy on improving my life and other lives. I would like to spend my time and energy on people who love me and are genuinely kind to me. I would also like to try to make my visions and dreams come true. That’s how I would like to live my life! I feel immensely grateful for the life that I have.

We can focus on all that we don’t have, or we can focus on all that we do have.

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough. (Oprah Winfrey)

While I am pretty sure that I have that “gratitude gene,” my grandmother is the one who always likes to remind me to thank God for my life. I always say, “Yes… I know… I always do…” but I still love her reminders.

It is healthy to give credit to our own hard work to come to where we are today; studies show that the emotion of pride can help us persevere in difficult tasks (Williams & DeSteno, 2008). But at the same time, it is equally important to always be humble and grateful! If we can find a healthy balance between confidence, humility, and gratitude, we can learn, grow, and flourish healthily!

There are and there will always be challenges or setbacks in life. But there are many healthy, positive routes to take, as well as beautiful and kind traits to practice. Having a healthy self-esteem is one of them! And together they will bring us all to beautiful destinations.

Start Now!  

Sometimes, people may see a person with confidence, accomplishments, or doing well in certain aspects of life, as something that just happened by luck! They feel jealous of that person, or come up with some negative conclusions of how that person succeeded.

What we often forget is that people’s accomplishments do not usually happen in one day. Every achieved goal or dream or positive trait requires time (often years and years of time), hard work, patience, perseverance, and perhaps a little bit of luck, but rarely just luck alone!

Luck is preparation meeting the moment of opportunity. (Oprah Winfrey) 

Be it a peaceful mindset, a positive outlook of life, a fulfilling life, healthy self-esteem, a home, a degree, a career, or other goals, you can achieve it, if only you also put effort into it, be patient, and work hard for it.

I think it is important to be willing to explore and find out a good fit between your strengths and your career or dreams. Also, having social support is one of the greatest gifts in life. It will certainly help you achieve your goals and dreams in a much more desirable way than if you had no support.

Appreciate, admire, or praise other people who can do it, or who are ahead of you—they put a lot of effort into making it happen, and they persevered. Instead of feeling jealous of them, learn from them!

Even if there are examples of people who may have unfairly come upon good fortune, it is important not to pay too much attention to these stories… stories of success born out of good fortune alone do not give us any moral or inspirational lesson. It is the stories of success born out of commitment, love, and hard work that give us inspiration and admiration. Focus on these stories instead!   

Looking forward to what the future holds can make life very interesting.

You don’t need to have it all figured out to move forward. (Roy T. Bennett)

Affirmations: I enrich my life when I build my confidence in a healthy, constructive way. I enrich my life when I turn setbacks into opportunities. I enrich my life when I love my work. I enrich my life when I appreciate my past, stay in the present moment, but also look forward to the future!

Reference

Williams, L. A., & DeSteno, D. (2008). Pride and perseverance: The motivational role of pride. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(6), 1007-1017. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.94.6.1007

Low Self-esteem: When Self-awareness is Missing

Low self-esteem can manifest in many different ways. Many people lack awareness of their low self-esteem, and engage in defense mechanisms to cope. Low self-esteem leads to a poor quality of life. I hope you can derive insights from this post, and gain awareness about your evaluations of your own worth. Becoming aware of having self-esteem issues and wanting to improve on that is such a brave act!  

Sometimes, low self-esteem leads to social withdrawal. In these situations, self-awareness is usually present; this insight makes it easier for that person to build up healthy self-esteem, with consistent help and support! But we also know that some individuals with low self-esteem do not withdraw. Instead, people may try to cope with low self-esteem by “inflating” themselves externally, such as by boasting. They may seek attention from others, and they may often need something or someone to prove their identity in order to feel secure.  

Sometimes, people have to use objects, materials, social status, or wealth to prove their identity.  

Sometimes, people may be tempted to tell others about how great they are, in terms of their career, assets, intellect, or physical appearance. They may desire compliments so much that they would actually ask for them, or they would keep showing off until a compliment is given. 

These behaviours are often driven by low self-esteem. It is a sign of confidence to share, but it is a sign of insecurity to boast.    

In some disturbing cases, low self-esteem can cause people to behave bitterly or cruelly. The feeling of smallness or weakness inside can sometimes cause people to attack others, in an attempt to assert influence or authority—it is a desperate scramble for power, from a position which feels powerless inside.   

Arrogance is used by the weak, while kindness is used by the strong. (Hans F Hamen) 

Pleasing People  

Helping others is one of the most wonderful, healthy things that a person can do! But sometimes low self-esteem can cause us to be a “people pleaser” too much, so that we become passive or unable to stand up for ourselves authoritatively. 

Bitterness and Jealousy  

Low self-esteem can prevent us from feeling genuinely happy for others’ happiness, achievement, or beauty. Instead, the negative feelings we may have for ourselves cause us to just compare with others, and as a result feel even more inadequate or inferior.   

True confidence has no room for jealousy and envy. When you know you are great, you have no reason to hate. (Author Unknown) 

And we often find out that the things that people brag about are not something that they actually feel very proud of. A confident, billionaire does not need to tell other people that he or she is wealthy! A very confident, attractive woman does not need to tell people that she is very pretty, or ask others to compliment her! 

When we have healthier self-esteem, there is no need for boasting! Achievement or beauty is already self-evident, and it does not even need to be mentioned. In fact, when an accomplished person is humble, it only increases their stature even further!    

井底之蛙  

“A frog at the bottom of a well has only a limited view of the sky.”  

This is a Chinese idiom that conveys the idea that boastfulness is often caused by a limited perspective, and unhappy life circumstances. Let us always emphasize the need to ask ourselves if we are stuck in a well! And if we are stuck, then we need to make a plan to climb out!  

If you have genuine kindness or compassion, then when someone gets something or has more success, you are able to rejoice in their good fortune. For a person who is committed to compassion practice and a genuine sense of concern for others’ well-being, then you will rejoice in others’ good fortune because you will be happy that what that person aspires for is being obtained. (Dalai Lama) 

You see, at the moment that envy or jealousy develops, you no longer can maintain your peace of mind. So jealousy actually destroys your peace of mind. Then that jealousy can become corrosive to the relationship. Even with your good friend, if you develop some sort of jealousy, it will be very harmful to your friendship. (Dalai Lama) 

Bullying  

Sometimes, people with low self-esteem feel intimated by others who are intelligent, attractive, or confident. They become bullies, thinking that they can feel “bigger” by behaving bitterly towards others and putting others down.  

How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves. (Paulo Coelho)   

Happy people with healthy self-esteem simply just don’t have time and energy to bully other individuals, to be mean and rude towards other individuals, to use sarcasm to put down other people, to show off their things, or to feel jealous of other people. They spend their time and energy on improving their own life and other lives in a genuine way. Happy, confident, beautiful people lift others up! Not only do they want to do well, they would like others to do well—this desire is genuine and reflected in all situations that they encounter.  

The more you bully others, the more it reflects how small you feel inside. 

The people who go around becoming bullies are people who have a massive sense of insecurity, who want to prove that they are somebody, often because they did not get enough love. (Desmond Tutu)   

Hurting other people is also hurting yourself. Seek help to manage your self-esteem issues in a healthy way!  

How to deal with bullies

If you have experienced bullying, remember to stand up for yourself assertively and seek help! If it’s workplace harassment, seek legal advice and file a legal complaint. If it’s bullying or discrimination at university, by peers or by professors, file a formal complaint. If it is bullying at school, seek help from your school counsellor and your family. If it is cyber bullying, seek help from friends, family, or a counsellor.  

Don’t let the bullies win! Don’t let their low self-esteem affect your self-esteem! Your courage will help yourself, and it may stop the bully from going around bullying other people!  

Haters don’t really hate you. In fact, they hate themselves because you’re a reflection of what they wish to be. (Author Unknown) 

Don’t worry about the haters… they are just angry because the truth you speak contradicts the lie they live. (Steve Maraboli)  

You don’t have to say anything to the haters. You don’t have to acknowledge them at all. You just wake up every morning and be the best you you can be. And that tends to shut them up. (Michelle Obama)  

Do not follow the bullies’ behaviours! Do not absorb their negativity! The best way to deal with them is to stand up for yourself and walk away. By doing that, you have peace. And your kindness continues to make your life so very beautiful. It shines through your smile, your presence, your acts, and your speech… it draws you to people who are genuinely kind too! If you respond with hate like they do, when is the cycle of negativity going to stop? Be the one to break the cycle!  

One of the best ways to deal with people with bitterness or jealousy is to stand up and to practice your voice and assertiveness. And if you can, be an advocate for other people. Talk about it, preach about it, and let the world know about it. The more we talk about it, the greater the chance that it will stop bullies from harming other people! Be brave! Some of the excellent examples that we have today are Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. They fight in a peaceful way.  

You don’t need the perfect height, the perfect facial features, and the perfect body figure to make you beautiful. When you are sincerely kind, that kindness shines from within, and you will always look beautiful—it’s something that nothing can ever destroy, and no one can ever achieve with cosmetics or designer clothing or other things. Kindness has to be sincere, and kindness requires regular practice towards all humanity.  

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. (Iain Thomas)  

If you nurture bullying, hatred, anger, spite, and disgust 100 times, it will slip through. If you nurture kindness, love, forgiveness, compassion, and altruism 100 times, it will also shine through. The choice is yours.

Bullies

Bullies do not need your punishment (there is no need to seek revenge!). They are already living a hellish lifestyle. The life of a bully is already self-punitive.

The door is not locked: it is always open. As long as they are willing to apologize, make amends, or change for the better, there is plenty of joy, peace, freedom, and love available to them.

Bullies do not always stay the same! Sometimes, they change and become good people.

If you have experienced bullying, use your stories as your motivation to rise! There are many encouraging stories of people who overcome bullying: they work hard, they achieve their goals and dreams, and they shine like a star!  Be like that!

So how to build yourself up?  

Fill your life with experiences, not things. Have stories to tell, not stuff to show. (Author Unknown) 

Building healthy self-esteem requires an integration of humility and self-acceptance.

It involves open-mindedness to be willing to see your flaws or weaknesses, challenge yourself, and make positive changes. There is always room for improvement! Be humble and be brave. Compete with yourself, not with other people!

It also involves knowing yourself very well and nourishing the core, positive parts of yourself without changing them just to be liked or to be accepted by others. The following quote encourages you to be yourself—it is only when you can truly be yourself that would allow other people to love you the way you are! 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. (Dr. Seuss) 

It is human nature to like encouraging statements, compliments, or approval, but one thing that you can ask yourself is whether you need them to prove your identity and whether you can live happily and still feel confident about yourself without them. If your actions are not motivated by compliments, and compliments come as a by-product, you would actually feel very surprised to receive them. And with or without compliments, you would still like to be unapologetically yourself because you wouldn’t allow what people think of you to change the core of who you are. If people don’t like you, you shrug your shoulders and move on, and if people like you, you smile and humbly accept that!  

When I accept myself, I am freed from the burden of needing you to accept me. (Steve Maraboli) 

Healthy self-esteem is not about having certain relationships, things, titles, physical appearance, assets, etc. We often hear people say, “If only I have that…. I will feel happy and confident.” People who have a PhD, a respected profession, a family, numerous friends, an attractive body, fame, a mansion, or luxury sports cars can still have very, very low self-esteem and a very, very bitter attitude! Healthy self-esteem is being able to love and accept your own imperfections and your imperfect life. Of course this is easier said than done! Imagine if you were the Biblical figure, Job, who lost his health, relationships, and assets altogether! Maintaining healthy self-esteem then requires hard work, self-reflection, and healthy discussions with friends and family on a regular basis.  

One of the cures for different types of problems starts with self-awareness. Without self-awareness, people with self-esteem issues go on, sometimes bragging about themselves and showing off their objects, relationships, title, or work, sometimes feeling badly about themselves, and sometimes attacking others, putting others down, or behaving bitterly.   

Having the courage to admit that you have self-esteem issues and a willingness to work on improving your self-esteem is courageous. There is so much hope in people who have self-awareness and who are willing to strive towards improving their well-being with sincerity!  

Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new ending. (Carl Bard)  

We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe) 

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I practice having self-awareness, seek help if I realize that I have self-esteem issues to work on, and persistently engage in healthy ways to improve my self-esteem. 

Create!

Creativity has healing properties:

1) Making art is meditative; it helps us focus on the present moment.

2) Being creative can help relieve stress.

3) The creative process can give us a break from stressors in life, negative memories, or negative emotions.

4) Engaging in an artistic hobby can help build self-esteem and confidence, as the process cultivates self-awareness, freedom, and self-control.

5) Creativity allows us to express ourselves freely.

6) Harnessing our creativity can generate insights, open-mindedness, resilience, self-acceptance, and wisdom.

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. (Elder Uchtdorf)

Stuckey & Noble (2010) find that doing art therapies—such as visual arts, dance, expressive writing, and playing music—is associated with reduction in depressive and anxiety symptoms. These therapies also lead to improved psychological and physical health.

Sloan, Marx, Bovin, Feinstein, & Gallagher (2012) suggest that people with motor vehicle accident-related PTSD who participate in a written exposure therapy have reduced PTSD symptoms.

Paint. Somehow, I find that fall is the most inspiring season to paint. The leaves are all so pretty and colourful! My eyes are so fascinated by the beauty of fall that I can’t help to pick up my paintbrush and paint.  

If you do some artwork such as painting, be sure to nurture a feeling of kindness and acceptance towards yourself and your art. I have joined a few art classes over the years, and have met classmates who can’t stop swearing at or criticizing their own artwork as they paint!  

I wish we can all paint and create, but in a gentle, self-accepting way. Enjoy the process of painting! It’s okay to make mistakes! Your imperfect art strokes are actually what make your painting perfect!

I paint not by sight but by faith. Faith gives you sight. (Amos Ferguson)

Painting is an attempt to come to terms with life. There are as many solutions as there are human beings. (George Tooker)

Play music. Sing! Play a musical instrument! If you say you can’t sing, or you can’t play a musical instrument, take a class! Once again, nothing needs to be perfect in art. It is the process of creating art that makes it therapeutic. And with practice and time, your skills will improve!

Creativity takes courage. (Henri Matisse)

Did you know? Flutes are considered one of the earliest instruments and date back to Germany over 35,000 years ago. (Vancouver Symphony Orchestra)

Nature photography. Sometimes, the camera can see something different or something more interesting than our own eyes. Preserve the leaves by taking pictures of them! The photographs bring renewed joy and peace every time you look at them.

After you take pictures, store them in an album which you look at frequently, or show them in a continuous slide show on the background of your computer screen.  When you look at beautiful, positive memories repeatedly, their goodness has more of a chance to grow! 

The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves. (Carl Jung) 

Portrait Photography. Collaborate with portrait photographers and make art! Sometimes, the lenses can help reveal sides of you that you have never really seen before, and that could facilitate deep insights and self-awareness.

It is also important to nurture joy and acceptance of the way our bodies look. So often, people feel badly about their physical selves, and this contributes to depression. In order to work on this, portrait photography can be therapeutic. This is not vain or self-indulgent, but rather it is a way to attend to our physical image in a healthy way. 

The purpose of art is not a rarified, intellectual distillate—it is life, intensified, brilliant life. (Alain Arias-Mission)

Write. Write a letter to your loved one, write a thank-you card to a teacher, or write a heartfelt note to a friend! Write a poem! Write a blog post or journal! Express your thoughts and feelings in a kind, gentle way. Write down the things that generate gratitude. Gratitude journaling is found to be associated with an improved sense of well-being (O'Leary & Dockray, 2015). 

Scrapbook. Thanksgiving is one of my favourite holidays. It is a holiday that is officially about giving thanks to my blessings and the people who have helped me in my life. Make a scrapbook for someone you care for! It would be the most meaningful gift you could ever give, and the most enjoyable gift to make.

When you are curious, you find lots of interesting things to do. (Walt Disney)

Cook. Eat pumpkins! They are full of health benefits! Find new recipes, modify the recipes (less salt and less sugar!), and cook with your loved ones if you would like! Cooking is an art. I am always interested in watching people cook, or learning what ingredients they use. There’s always something that I feel surprised to know; I can either incorporate their ideas, or get some insights and create something my way! Share your food!

Style. Instead of merely following the fashion trend every season, create your own personal fashion style that makes you feel comfortable and confident! Get insights from fashion designers, fashion shows, fashion magazines and websites, fashion bloggers, and window-shopping because there is no end in art.   

Fashion in modern culture does not have to be vain or self-indulgent. It can be a way to express individuality and creativity in a healthy way. You do not have to follow or copy the latest trends—you can express yourself in any way that you wish! My only advice is to focus on savouring fashion and style as a simple beautiful healthy component of life, rather than as a materialistic ambition or as a striving to look like someone else. 

You can never be overdressed or overeducated. (Oscar Wilde)

While I see the value of designer clothing, clothing that makes us feel happy, comfortable, and confident don’t necessarily have to be expensive! Selecting clothes and accessories that accentuate one’s physical beauty can help build confidence and happiness. Some people may claim that taking good care of one’s appearance is a superficial act. Here are some of the reasons why I don’t see it as merely superficial, including scientific evidence:

For many with anxiety symptoms or trait perfectionism, there may be a tendency to have unreasonable, excessive demands upon self, and also a tendency to criticize self regardless of the outcome (sometimes even in advance of the action). This level of demand could be so steep that the person might choose not to go out at all, rather than to go out “not looking their best”.

But on the other hand, from a purely behavioural standpoint, I think it is interesting to encourage people to “look their best” in a healthy way. For example, to deliberately wear one’s favourite clothes, or have one’s hair done, etc. even when there is no formal occasion. This would not be motivated by some kind of unreasonable esthetic or perfectionistic demand, but rather could be viewed as a celebration of beauty, and a symbolic recognition that every “ordinary” day is special, without becoming a vain or superficial preoccupation. Karen Pine is a researcher who has looked at attire as a variable relevant to psychological states; her 2013 study referenced below is an introduction to some of her work (Howlett, Pine, Orakçioglu, & Fletcher, 2013). 

Decorate. If you would like, learn how to decorate, and create your own decorating style. Decorations don’t have to be expensive! There are many affordable choices available. You can get insights from home décor books, magazines, blogs, social media sites, and YouTube channels. Decorate your home in a way that is comfy, calming, peaceful, rejuvenating, and welcoming. Let your home be your sanctuary, a sacred space, where you can meditate, reflect, and rejuvenate. Decorate for festivals, such as Thanksgiving! Decorate for special events or photo shoots!

You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have. (Maya Angelou)

There is no right or wrong in art! Let your inner child take the lead, and let your creativity flow. Learn the rules of art, but challenge them afterwards! Your imperfect technique is what makes your artwork interesting and delightful. Seeking perfection in the process of creating art takes away enjoyment. So have fun! Create as if there were no rules! Create as if you were a carefree child!

Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up. (Pablo Picasso)

It is human nature to want to be understood, accepted, and appreciated by others. Unfortunately, this squelches our ability to break out of the mainstream to produce something extraordinary and unique. Real creative genius doesn’t reside in what is popular, but rather in what defies the established and the norm. Create as if no one were watching. Produce something that speaks to you and you alone. (Brett Blumenthal)

To be creative you must have courage. (Paulo Coelho)

Finally, be courageous enough to share your artwork with others! Display your imperfect paintings at home or on a website! Let your guests take a look at them! You will be surprised to know how many of them actually adore your artwork! There will always be someone who dislikes your artwork though. Be prepared for that and shrug at it. Everyone has his or her own artistic taste and opinion, and it is okay if someone doesn't like your artwork. The process of creating and sharing is not to gain more “likes” or approval from others. It’s just a healthy way to live!

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I create and encourage others to create.

References

Howlett, N., Pine, K., Orakçioglu, I., & Fletcher, B. (2013). The influence of clothing on first impressions: Rapid and positive responses to minor changes in male attire. Journal of Fashion Marketing and Management: An International Journal, 17(1), 38-48. doi:10.1108/13612021311305128

O'Leary, K., & Dockray, S. (2015). The effects of two novel gratitude and mindfulness interventions on well-being. The Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, 21(4), 243-245. doi:10.1089/acm.2014.0119

Sloan, D. M., Marx, B. P., Bovin, M. J., Feinstein, B. A., & Gallagher, M. W. (2012). Written exposure as an intervention for PTSD: A randomised clinical trial with motor vehicle accident survivors. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 50(10), 627-635. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2012.07.001

Stuckey, H. L., & Noble, J. (2010). The connection between art, healing, and public health: A review of current literature. American Journal of Public Health, 100(2), 254-263. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2008.156497

Make Mistakes

Like many others, I really like The Happiness Project, written by Gretchen Rubin. The author came up with her own “Twelve Commandments.” Her principles are very positive and encouraging, such as “let it go… enjoy the process… lighten up… there is only love…” (p. 11). Rubin’s blog readers also came up with their own Twelve Commandments, such as “spread the joy… stop the venting and complaining… give thanks: for the ordinary and extraordinary” (p. 181).

Interestingly, one of Rubin’s blog readers said, “Make mistakes” (p. 181). That caught my eye. That made me pause and read that sentence again. That made me think, “Wow! How amazing that person is! How courageous that person is! How much wisdom that person has!” Make mistakes. As one of his or her Twelve Commandments. I don’t know about you, but I never liked mistakes. They made me feel uncomfortable; they made me feel embarrassed, and they made me criticize myself. If possible, I would avoid mistakes. But mistakes are part of life. Mistakes mean that you are outside of your comfort zone. They reflect bravery, passion, curiosity, and adventure. So mistakes actually deserve applause. Mistakes must happen because mistakes help us learn and improve. Mistakes give us insights about our direction, or our next step. Mistakes are essential. Mistakes foster growth. Mistakes help us learn about ourselves, teach us moral lessons, and transform us. While they may bring discomfort, they are actually one of the ingredients needed for success, destination, or morality.

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. (Theodore Roosevelt)

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. (Oliver Goldsmith)

A book that I would highly recommend to all perfectionists, all artists, and all people, literally, is Failed It! by Erik Kessels. The author talked about the beauty of mistakes and failure, and how they are just the beginning of successes. Kessels (2016) also talked about confidence being overrated! I agree with him. But from my perspective, I believe that confidence is needed and healthy, in life, in relationships, or at work. Confidence can even enhance one’s beauty! So I think the key is to remain humble. It is humility that helps people learn, improve, transform, and grow. It is humility that stops people from looking down on others or becoming arrogant. It is humility that drives people to help, support, encourage, and serve others wholeheartedly. 

I like how Kessels (2016) illustrated his points with very impressive images. Go ahead and over- or under- expose your photographs! Make them grainy! Or make them blurry! Just do it the way you like your photograph to be! I admire how he gets to the point right away, without having to use lengthy debates. Read his book! Read it and reflect. See how you can apply his ideas to your own life. See your mistakes through a different lens. I am starting to love my own mistakes! 

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default. (J.K. Rowling)

Don’t fear failure… in great attempts it is glorious even to fail. (Bruce Lee)

Don’t give up after making mistakes! Don’t give up after you fail! Keep going, keep learning, and keep trying your best. Keep your spirit high! One day you will appreciate every single failure you have stumbled across. You may then rename them to “blessings” or “inspirations.”

Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly. (John F. Kennedy)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I remind myself that imperfection is just the right way to be.

References

Kessels, E. (2016). Failed it!. London, UK: Phaidon Press. 

Rubin, G. (2015). The happiness project. New York, NY: Harper.