Invisible Scars

This is a post about childhood psychological abuse. According to the Canadian Incidence Study of Reported Child Abuse and Neglect (Health Canada, 2008), the most common form of child abuse in Canada is emotional abuse and neglect, followed by emotional abuse and physical abuse. Homes, places where children long for love and refuge, can tragically be the very places where they experience harm. Childhood abuse is the most damaging form of domestic violence because children are the most vulnerable, the weakest to be victimized. Of all family members, the children’s own biological parents, the adults who gave birth to them and are supposed to nurture and protect them, are the very ones who are most likely to be the perpetrators (Department of Health and Human Services, 2005; Health Canada, 2008; Statistics Canada, 2001)—extensive research refutes some Chinese old sayings which glorify all parents: 天下無不是的父母 (“No parents are wrong in this world,”) or 虎毒不吃兒 (“Even an evil tiger would not eat its cub, let alone human parents”). 

Children who are severely and frequently abused, such as being threatened with death, can develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), with symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, dissociation, and heightened anxiety (Margolin & Gordis, 2000; Morrissette, 1999; Perry, 2001). Child mistreatment comes with lifelong repercussions. For example, people with a history of child abuse have a greater risk to develop heart disease and cancer (Dong et al., 2004; Holman et al., 2016). Studies indicate that the detrimental effects of childhood abuse and trauma are often permanent, permeating the victim’s life in every aspect, throughout the lifespan. The child outcomes of abuse are strongly correlated with the duration, the frequency, and the intensity of the abuse, in combination with inborn vulnerabilities which vary between individual children. It is repeated and arbitrary emotional abuse, rather than accidental lashing out, that often causes a child permanent harm (White et al., 1994).

To begin, it’s of paramount importance to address the definitions of emotional abuse, as well as elements of abuse in a narcissistic household (Berger, 1980; Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs; Malkin, 2016; Newfoundlander Labrador; Rothschild et al., 2012; White et al., 1994):

• Gaslighting (labeling a child's normal behaviour or accurate perceptions as being incorrect, bad, or a sign of illness)

• Swearing

• Yelling

• Humiliating, shaming, poking fun at the person to an excessive degree without consent

• Putting a person down

• Making a person feel guilty, worthless, bad about herself

• Making a person think she’s crazy and stupid      

• Denying the existence of the abuse, calling the victim a liar

• Blaming the child for having caused the abuse—claiming to correct the child’s perceived flaws, in order to justify the abuse

• Refusing to admit parental mistakes

• Blaming the child for being the cause of all problems in the household (such as the parents' health problems, work or financial problems, etc. –for example the child may be told "If we get cancer, it's because of you")

• Talking behind the child, gossiping about the child

• Shaming the child in front of family, relatives, neighbours, strangers

• Denying the child’s needs and opinions

• In cases, even in wealthy families, parents may refuse to pay for the child's basic health care, such as dental and optometry checkups, or paying for eyeglasses

• Preventing the child from demonstrating normal emotions, by mocking or scolding

Verbal abuse:

• Using written or spoken language to harm a person

• Calling a person fat, ugly, stupid, crazy, useless

• Name-calling

• Repeated and unjustified verbal abuse is an extremely detrimental form of abuse because—words are one of the aspects of experience which carve, form, and define a child’s self-concept

 Totalitarian and patriarchal practices:

• Treating the victim like a servant

• Being the master of family decision-making, having supreme authority

• Some totalitarian homes can have a parody of egalitarian practices, by insisting that the child expresses simple preferences, such as food choices, hobbies, or even paint colour in their bedroom—but such preferences then get ignored and the choices are made as always by the totalitarian parent. This teaches the child to become passive, resigned, and cynical

 Isolation:

• Controlling who she sees, what she does, where she goes

• Limiting her social relationships with outgroup members

 Financial Abuse:

• Restricting access to money

• Making the child beg for money

• Taking away her money (the most iconic example of this would be literally taking away a child's "piggy bank" with the money the child had saved for years from little jobs or gifts from grandparents, etc.)

• Forbidding her from getting or securing a job

• Threatening to change the beneficiary of a legal will

• Refusing to let the child study or attend school

 Silent Abuse:

• Silent treatment, treating the child as though she’s invisible

• Withholding emotional expression: Edward Tronick et al. (1975)’s still-face experiments indicate that when caregivers deliberately maintain emotionally expressionless faces, the babies wail

• Withholding affection

• Refusing to answer, or ridiculing, a child's question or comment

• Using facial expressions, stares, and either subtly or overtly threatening gestures to imbue fear in the child

Threats and Intimidation:

• Threatening to kill the child

• Threatening to beat the child up

• Threatening to abandon her by sending her away

• Insulting the child by saying she’s worthy of death

• Stating that the child is likely to be raped in the future

Spiritual Abuse:

• Using distorted manifestations of religious beliefs and teachings to judge, manipulate, or harm the child

Cultural Abuse:

• Using distorted understandings of cultural beliefs and teachings to judge, manipulate, or harm the child

Neglect:

• Failing to provide physical assistance for the child whose needs and well-being are utterly dependent on the caregivers (i.e., food, clothing, shelter)

• Inadequate supervision, leaving the child alone

• Refusing to contact a physician to resolve medical and/or psychological conditions

Emotional Neglect:

• Being absent for long stretches of time without any form of communication, care, and affection

• Decreasing parent-child interactions

• Leaving the child to fend for herself when the child is not ready for this

• Feral children, who were deprived of human contact, can have difficulty acquiring language, reasoning, and relationships for the rest of their lives because our biology makeups have time limits—sensitive windows—for humans to acquire skills (Henslin et al., 2010)

 Parentification Abuse:

• Shrinking parental responsibilities and coercing a child to take care of other siblings to an excessive degree

• Role reversal: being insensitive to the child’s emotions and needs, coaching a child to take care of the parents’ needs instead of her own

Narcissistic Households:

• Unhealthy boundaries: inappropriate physical contact, inappropriate comments about appearance

• The family system is authoritarian

• Narcissistic parents tend to have low self-esteem and low empathy

• Narcissistic parents tend to be emotionally immature

• Narcissistic parents can often be rigidly perfectionistic

• Abusive parents tend to be less intelligent than parents who do not enact abuse

• Abusive parents are often hostile, compulsive, depressed, anxious

• Maintaining the family’s reputation is a top priority in narcissistic households, keeping the mess masked

• Narcissistic parents have impaired capacity for introspection and refuse to take responsibilities for their actions

• Narcissistic parents see children as extensions of themselves and promote unhealthy competition by assigning children to different roles

Golden Child:

• Chosen to boost the parents’ egos

• Her successes are praised, her failures are minimized

• Encouraged by the parents to bully other siblings and to feel superior over siblings

• The golden child therefore learns to gain her parents’ approval and exaltation by bullying and by being cruel, acknowledging that in contrast, the scapegoat child gets punished for being kind and empathic

• The golden child, usually, like her parents, has no introspection and therefore remains blind, with deficiencies in empathy.  Such begins the next generation of narcissism and abusive behaviour

Scapegoat Child:

• Chosen to take all the blame for problems in the family

• Problems are projected onto the scapegoat child

• If this child refuses to take the blame, it would lead to more attacks; so the child learns to passively accept the abuse in order to avoid punishment

• Narcissistic parents feel small inside; therefore, they attack the child to make themselves feel big

• The scapegoat child is seen to be the worst, or all bad

• The scapegoat child is punished for her successes or achievements, because they are misaligned with the narcissistic parents’ perception that she’s the worst, or she’s all bad

• Gemmill (1989) suggests that blaming the scapegoat child for all problems can help promote the unity of the authoritarian family, as well it allows the narcissistic parents and family members to think that they are healthier than they actually are

• The scapegoat child is usually the independent child, a high achiever, who strives to be the opposite of what the family says, to unlearn habits through therapy, thereby extricating herself from the dysfunctional family dynamics and establishing stability in emotionality and social relationships

At one point, I wondered, “Why do I have to keep writing about abuse? How come I can’t talk about something more light-hearted?” A dictum says writers don’t get to choose the topics that they write about—instead, their stories find them. We are all appointed to talk about certain topics. I have come to realize that it is my “survivor mission”: I am chosen to talk about child abuse—therefore, nature entrusted me with an extensive knowledge about it—there is nothing else that I know more than abuse.

I am compelled to talk about the effects of child abuse: how devastating it is to experience abuse, to escape, to be affected socially, academically, vocationally, and to encounter a community without much understanding, but with judgment, condemnation, or dismissiveness. In a lot of our stories, there are no open arms waiting for us to come home. After escaping the abuse, there is just another barrage of heart-wrenching events awaiting us—sometimes yet another abusive environment, most struggle financially, and most do not feel well physically and mentally.

Child abuse is a crime. We must take a stance toward injustice because apathy, neutrality, or silence is a support vote for the predator. We must not be bystanders. The bystander effect refers to the notion that a witness simply assumes that the issue—the abuse—is already being dealt with by someone else: the belief is that some other witness is already going to help, so no further action is needed. The trouble is, everyone in the whole group believes the same thing, therefore nobody does anything. We cannot ignore cries for help, or assume that someone else will deal with it. Even if it is too dangerous to intervene directly, it is always possible to do something, such as to call the police or to call a child-protection agency.  As citizens, we are all responsible to report child abuse and neglect immediately, even suspected cases, to the police or to a child protection agency, to help put a stop to child abuse.

Zimbardo (2007) challenges each of us to be a “hero.” His idea of being a hero is to be willing to speak out about injustice, and to be willing to help a person in need, even if everyone else in your group is remaining silent. Speaking up, or assisting others, can be scary, and can require physical and emotional energy—but these actions are brave and noble, and can be part of living a deeply satisfying life. 

Education is a cornerstone of preventing child emotional abuse, and I feel called to help stop or prevent child abuse, and to help those who have experienced child abuse, no matter where they are on their journeys. I wanted to be there for them, in a long-term, consistent, substantial way, and I know, as a therapist, I can provide that foundation for them: to listen, to understand, to provide relief. As a writer, I hope other people with similar experiences can find some resonance, comfort, and relief, just as I did. I hope my impact—and yours—can instill a glimpse of hope in lives, in souls, in spirits. I was inspired by scads of storytellers before me, so I wonder whether my small effort can potentially be an act of leadership, too, starting a chain reaction, inviting other people joining in and speaking out, producing a movement in education about child abuse.

I can’t help but wonder whether writing about this matter can also act as a preventative measure, thwarting parents, some of whom with well meaning, from going down a detrimental path. Parents who have poor preparation for parenthood can sometimes become abusive; I, therefore, encourage all parents or guardians to take a parenting course at a college or university before entering into parenthood. 

There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children. (Marianne Williamson)

No one is all bad. Even Hitler liked children and animals, according to some reports. All abusers go through cycles of being nice and being cruel towards their victims. They are good at camouflaging themselves, and sometimes they might even feel guilty for being abusive, although it would be extremely rare for such a person to acknowledge their bad behaviour or apologize for it. In some cases, abuse of any severity begins with happy times, a “honeymoon period,” followed by a gradual and inevitable build-up of tension, then an explosion into frank abuse, then a phase of apology, gifts, apparent kindness, starting a new “honeymoon” (Hubbard House, 2010). Each spin of this cycle can kindle some hope in the victim that “this time it will be different.” But after many spins of this wheel, the victim can lose hope of the abuse ever ending, and further can lose the capacity to be optimistic in general. It is a recipe for chronic despair or “learned helplessness.” This cycle can occur at different intervals in different households—sometimes the honeymoon and abuse cycles can be weeks or months apart. In other families, the abuse would return in some form daily—“honeymoon” periods might only last hours, rather than days or weeks. 

To learn more about abuse and trauma, please visit the following page:

Affirmations: I enrich my life when I learn about abuse. I enrich my life when I help and support survivors of abuse.

References

Berger, A. M. (1980). The child abusing family: I. Methodological issues and parent-related characteristics of abusing families. American Journal of Family Therapy, 8(3), 53-66.

Department of Health and Human Services. (2005). Child maltreatment 2003. Washington, DC: Government Printing Office.

Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs. Wheels. Retrieved from https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/

Dong, M., Giles, W. H., Felitti, V. J., Dube, S. R., Williams, J. E., Chapman, D. P., & Anda, R. F. (2004). Insights into causal pathways for ischemic heart disease: Adverse childhood experiences study. Circulation, 110(13), 1761-1766.

Gemmill, G. (1989). The dynamics of scapegoating in small groups. Small Group Behavior, 20(4), 406-418. 

Health Canada. (2008). The Canadian incidence study of reported child abuse and neglect (CIS).  Retrieved from https://cwrp.ca/sites/default/files/publications/en/CIS-2008-rprt-eng.pdf

Henslin, J. M., Glenday, D., Pupo, N., & Duffy, A. (2010). Sociology: A down-to-earth approach (5th ed.). Toronto, ON: Pearson Allyn and Bacon.

Holman, D. M., Ports, K. A., Buchanan, N. D., Hawkins, N. A., Merrick, M. T., Metzler, M., & Trivers, K. F. (2016). The association between adverse childhood experiences and risk of cancer in adulthood: A systematic review of the literature. Pediatrics, 138(Supplement 1), S81-S91.

Hubbard House. (2010, October 15). The cycle of abuse. Retrieved from https://www.hubbardhouse.org/the-cycle-of-abuse/

Malkin, C. (2016). Rethinking narcissism: The secret to recognizing and coping with narcissists. New York, NY: Harper Perennial.

Margolin, G., & Gordis, E. B. (2000). The effects of family and community violence on children. Annual Review of Psychology, 51(1), 445-479. doi:10.1146/annurev.psych.51.1.445

Morrissette, P. J. (1999). Post-traumatic stress disorder in child sexual abuse: Diagnostic and treatment considerations. Child and Youth Care Forum, 28­(3), 205-219.  

Newfoundland Labrador. Defining violence and abuse. Retrieved from https://www.gov.nl.ca/vpi/about/defining-violence-and-abuse/

Perry, B. D. (2001). The neuroarcheology of childhood maltreatment: The neurodevelopmental costs of adverse childhood events. In K. Franey, R. Geffner, & R. Falconer (Eds.), The cost of maltreatment: Who pays? We all do (pp. 15-37). San Diego, CA: Family Violence and Sexual Assault Institute.

Rothschild, Z. K., Landau, M. J., Sullivan, D., & Keefer, L. A. (2012). A dual-motive model of scapegoating: Displacing blame to reduce guilt or increase control. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 102(6), 1148-1163.

Statistics Canada. (2001). Family violence in Canada: A statistical profile. Canadian Center for Justice Statistics.

Tronick, E., Adamson, L.B., Als, H., & Brazelton, T.B. (1975, April). Infant emotions in normal and pertubated interactions. Paper presented at the biennial meeting of the Society for Research in Child Development, Denver, CO.

White, J. M., Larson, L. E., Goltz, J. W., Munro, B. E. (1994). Families in Canada: Social contexts, continuities, and changes (3rd ed.). Toronto, ON: Pearson Prentice Hall.

Zimbardo, P. G. (2007) The Lucifer effect: Understanding how good people turn evil. New York: Random House.

A Prayer for the World 2.0

I have been a spiritual person throughout most of my life. I went to a Catholic kindergarten school as well as a Catholic elementary school. I volunteered at different Christian churches when I was an adolescent. I cannot abandon my faith now no matter how much science and history I know, due to familiarity, loyalty, and commitment.

Science investigates; religion interprets. Science gives man knowledge, which is power; religion gives man wisdom, which is control. Science deals mainly with facts; religion deals mainly with values. The two are not rivals. They are complementary. (Martin Luther King, Jr.)

I personally believe in what Martin Luther King, Jr. said. Religion and science do not have to be “rivals.” They can be “complementary.” My faith is healthy for me, but I understand that faith itself is not for everyone. I respect everyone’s choices.   

I do not think that it is healthy to read the Bible as though it was a textbook or instruction manual about morality, especially if you interpret the text literally instead of figuratively. Religious texts contain many contradictions, as well as violent, brutal stories. Biblical reading in a narrow or literal context could trigger fear, guilt, shame, or discomfort, even when there are numerous moral stories and scriptures which can provide comfort and peace.

I call myself a liberal Christian, who believes in science, accepts LGBTQ+ people, and supports women making their own decisions about their bodies, especially when they are not ready to provide care for their offspring. As a therapist whose speciality is helping survivors of abuse, it is important for me to educate clients about contraception. Planned pregnancy is healthy for the family, the society, and the world. Children without healthy parental love and care are much more likely to suffer. Giving women the right to take care of their bodies is essential to public health, and is a component of reducing all future health problems including physical illnesses, mental illnesses, and suicide.   

I provide counselling to people from all cultural or personal backgrounds and orientations, listening to them, supporting them to grow on their journeys, and providing them unconditional positive regard. The most challenging type of client for me would be someone who has been emotionally abusive to their children. I recognize that for such a person to reach out for help with a therapist, it is an opportunity for hope and grace, not only for the client but for me. Those instances in which an abuser, possibly with my help, can apologize, make amends, and work earnestly on positive change for themselves and their family, represent something close to the divine grace which I hope is the grounding element in my personal faith. Unfortunately for the world, very few perpetrators of severe abuse ever reach out for help with a therapist. 

One of the great parables of Jesus is about the “Good Samaritan.” For me, this parable represents one of the overarching messages of the entire New Testament: A Good Samaritan doesn’t discriminate. A Good Samaritan is a neighbour who is willing to show respect and care to people having different cultures, backgrounds, or beliefs. In today’s world this would include not only literal “outsiders” such as refugees or immigrants, but also other cultural “outsiders” including those with different beliefs or orientations. Such “outsiders” could live among us not only in different parts of our neighbourhoods or countries, but within our own homes as well. Sometimes our own loved ones can feel like outsiders, and they would be in need of a Good Samaritan right at home. 

A pivotal message that I believe all Christians need to learn is to practice genuine kindness, empathy, and compassion, not because we need to earn salvation or accumulate credits, but because we love God. A love of God need not be considered simply a commitment or obligation to an external divine figure, it could be understood as participating and feeling the gift of divine joy through the intrinsic goods of practicing kindness, empathy, and compassion.

The mere presence of a kind person influences other people around them positively. Kindness even shines through people's faces.

For to see your face is like seeing the face of God. (Genesis 33:10)

You know how when you find somebody who you know is in touch with the truth, how you want to be in the presence of that person? (Fred Rogers)

True kindness exists. It is tangible, you can feel it when you are around a kind person. It is evident in every area of that person's life. I hope that you and I can strive to be like that, so that we may see the face of God in each other. 

Kindness needs to be practiced consistently and persistently. It is like a commitment. A muscle that needs and wants to be exercised. We need to provide long-term care for people in need, especially victims of abuse. Kindness becomes a lifestyle, a natural way of being, an intrinsic joy and a way to both feel and radiate the love of God. 

In politics, religion can sometimes play a big role in a country. But just as in an abusive family, religious texts can be distorted and used as tools of harm in the hands of a authoritarian or narcissistic abuser. Ironically, many of the great themes in the Bible concern the human tendency to become hypocritical, or for people of faith to slip away from their core values. People of faith can become “lost in a desert,” sometimes without the insight to recognize just how lost they have become. Leaders (political and religious) can become Pharisees—masters of quoting or deploying particular rules, but having lost the deeper principles of love and compassion which underlie the rules. Jesus taught that there are transcendent rules, of love and compassion, which superseded others—for example, one important story in the life of Jesus is about breaking rules about the Sabbath in order to help people, even at risk of being judged. 

In terms of group membership, I fit just right within my group of loved ones, with whom I feel a belonging I am eternally grateful for. But I don’t fit perfectly with any other group. I am either not liberal enough, or not religious enough. I don’t mind. I have never found existing groups like that which suit me well. I have a few close friends who are open-minded and spiritual, and I feel blessed to have them in my life. I believe in kindness, compassion, and unconditional love, and that is the language that I would like to speak for the rest of my life.  

The Parable of the Good Samaritan

25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

(New International Version Bible, 2011, Luke 10:25-37)

I would like to recommend a video by Megan Phelps-Roper (Phelps-Roper, 2017).

I find her inspiring, her message a ray of hope and wisdom so very important to approach many of the problems going on in our world today. She grew up in an extremist religious community notorious for its hateful attitudes and behaviour, and for many years she was an advocate for this group. But in time, she discovered people outside the group who treated her with respect, patience, and kindness, and were willing to engage in true dialogue despite the offensiveness and extremity of her views. It took a lot of time, but these engagements with others holding beliefs so different from her own at the time, allowed her to finally escape from this community and cultivate a happy, healthy life while helping others facing similar challenges.  

Her approach and her message embody the spirit of Christian ethics: showing compassion, respect, and humility with others, including those who may be very different from ourselves, and including those who may treat us with hostility. In doing so, we are able to truly connect and heal difference. It is a remedy for the polarization and conflict in our nations and in our communities. It reminds me of my approach to psychotherapy as well: the process requires patience, time, attention, and open-mindedness, couched in a spirit of compassion and curiosity. Phelps-Roper (2017) also emphasizes the importance of making a strong argument for your position, as an essential component of change–this is similar in psychotherapy, it is like the work we do in cognitive therapy or the insights we might have in psychodynamic therapy. But in order for any such argument or logical debate to be effective, we must first build up rapport through patience, understanding, and respect.  

Meliorism: the belief that the world can be made better by human effort. (Author Unknown)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I practice compassion, and when I am willing to connect respectfully and humbly to others who have different beliefs or backgrounds than my own, prior to making a strong logical argument about moral issues.        

References

New International Version. (2011). BibleGateway.com. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2010%3A25-37&version=NIV

Phelps-Roper, M. (2017, February). I grew up in the Westboro Baptist Church. Here’s why I left [Video]. TED Conferences. https://www.ted.com/talks/megan_phelps_roper_i_grew_up_in_the_westboro_baptist_church_here_s_why_i_left?subtitle=en

Social Comparison

According to the social comparison theory, suggested by psychologist Leon Festinger, we evaluate ourselves through comparing ourselves to our peers: we compare such things as intelligence, wealth, and attractiveness. Social comparison is inevitable and is part of human nature.

Upward comparison refers to comparing ourselves to people who are better than we. Downward comparison refers to comparing ourselves to people who are worse than we. Many studies have shown that both types of comparisons have pros and cons. I encourage you to acquaint yourself with the various complex and conflicting findings about this topic.

When It Gets Out of Hand

While studies show that our brains have a strong tendency to compare ourselves to others, social comparison can get out of hand and become excessive.  

People who engage in upward social comparison can feel inadequate, or inferior to their peers, to a point where they refuse to move forward in life or to try new things. These emotions can lead to a cycle of unhappiness, even jeopardizing people’s identity.

Sometimes, comparison can lead to the emotion of jealousy and even the act of bullying. People who feel insecure about themselves see that others are better than they, and some of them decide to go around bullying others.  

People who are bullied, as a result of others’ comparison and jealousy, need encouragement to be strong and to maintain healthy self-esteem:

Jealousy is the best compliment. (Author Unknown)

Never hate the people who are jealous of you but respect their jealousy because they’re the ones who think that you’re better than them. (Author Unknown)

能受天磨真鐵漢，不遭人忌是庸才。

Unfortunately, many people are deeply and negatively affected by bullying.

I have come to realize that a lot of people have stored bitterness in their hearts, as a result of different adverse or unfair life experiences. And that bitterness cannot be contained; therefore, it spills over into their speech, facial expressions, thoughts, attitudes, decisions… sometimes, they are not aware of that. Hurts, pain, and sorrow all need to be dealt with in a therapeutic manner… otherwise, every decision in life is directed by that stored and trapped bitterness, which would not lead to peace and joy.

Human Nature

Social comparison is part of human nature, but we must learn a healthy way to compare ourselves to others. We can argue that there are many things in life that are part of our human nature, including anger, hatred, and jealousy. In therapy, we know that we cannot reject these emotions, but instead we need to discuss them, express them, and learn to manage them. But with time, perhaps a lengthy period of time, the final goal is to manage these emotions constructively, instead of letting them grow continually in us day after day, or even turn them into harmful actions. Similarly, we do not need to reject social comparison. We can acknowledge that we compare ourselves to other people. But finally, we do need to manage social comparison so that we are not preoccupied with it in a destructive way.  

Can Social Comparison Be Good For You?

Research says yes.

While downward comparison can increase our subjective well-being, the motives behind such comparison can be unhealthy. If we need to see someone else doing badly in order to feel good about ourselves, it shows a weakness in our self-esteem and also a lack of respect for others. 

The healthier approach to downward comparison is: “There are people who are less fortunate than I am; I feel grateful for what I have, and I would like to give what I have, to help other people, and to lift them up, so that we can all feel good about ourselves!”

青出於藍, 而勝於藍

The blue dye, 青, extracted from the plant, 藍, has a deeper colour than the plant

Meaning: the student, taught by the teacher, outperforms the teacher, or people surpass their predecessors 

The greatest teachers (the “plants”) would not only want their students (the “dye”) to do well, but to surpass themselves!

Upward comparison can motivate us to do better. When we acknowledge that we have a growth mindset and we learn from others who are more successful than we are, we can improve ourselves. Sometimes we don’t even need to “improve ourselves”: we can simply appreciate someone else’s talent or success. If we enjoy a great artist, musician, or writer, we don’t necessarily need to then attempt to become a great artist ourselves… we can accept the talents and skills of others as a joy of nature, and we can even carry on enjoying our own more humble talents and skills.

Let’s always remember that no matter how much we achieve, there is something that we don't have, but other people have. And there is something that we have, but others don't have. To spend our lifetime comparing ourselves to our peers and feeling inadequate or jealous would be an endless and unnecessary burden. In reality, there is no end of comparison.

I strongly believe that when we reach the point of healthy self-worth, we would not spend too much of our time and energy comparing ourselves to other people. Instead, we would shift our focus, and be intrinsically motivated to improve ourselves and help others improve themselves too.

Schadenfreude

If other people suffer, especially those who have harmed us in the past or those whom we feel jealous of, and we derive pleasure from their misfortune and feel better about ourselves as a result of that, what good can come from this type of happiness? Such happiness is temporary, and it would probably lead to the feeling of guilt. How can we let other people’s suffering be the foundation of our happiness? How can such happiness be pure and long-lasting? To derive pleasure from people’s misfortune often originates from bitterness, low self-worth, or the inability to genuinely forgive others. 

Perhaps we all have a good guy and a bad guy inside of us.

Maybe all of us have a battle within ourselves; some may have a bigger battle, while others may have a smaller battle. We do not need to fear the bad guy or even pretend that the bad guy does not exist. What we have to do is to let the good guy be in charge, and learn ways to tame the bad guy so that it doesn’t get much of a chance to direct our speech and behaviour, or make life decisions for us.

Self-improvement

When it comes to self-improvement, I always strive to focus on myself because I know that we are all gifted in different ways. I want to be myself: recognize my strengths, expand the areas that I am good at, be creative, and find my own path. I try my best, and I leave the rest.

I am in competition with no-one. I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone. I just aim to improve, to be better than I was yesterday. (Author Unknown)

We may engage in social comparison now and then. But as with everything in life, if we do not find it helpful or healthy, we do not have to play with the idea, and we must practice stepping away from it.   

Mediocrity

There is a lot of competition nowadays in everything from academics to sports to performing arts, such as music recitals. Sometimes a focus on achievement, and a commitment to strive even in the context of failure could lead to an unhappy perfectionism, and a larger failure to appreciate the joy and meaning of the activity itself, such as learning, playing on a team, or playing music for self and others. So I think that purposefulness even in the context of some kind of mediocre performance is vital as a life skill. It is great to strive for excellence, but greater still to strive to share meaning even with modest technical skills. 

I think the therapeutic answer to this is to encourage a view of life in which we can humbly accept aspects of ourselves which are mediocre without becoming angrily threatened by challengers who exceed us in some way. That is, to develop a grand sense of sportsmanship in life, where one can be polite and gracious, yet self-respecting and happy, even when your competitor is beating you in a game!

Many therapy clients might have a similar problem, of envying others who are more successful in life, academically, professionally, socially, etc.; a common pathway is for such a client to stew with resentment, and then to feel worse and worse with time. A more therapeutic pathway is to help that person celebrate their special role in the world, in spite of, or even because of, those parts of themselves which might be mediocre.

The Positive Side of Social Comparison 

If we have compared ourselves to other people, we would realize that there are many people in the world who are just as talented or accomplished or attractive as we are, or even better than we are! Such realization can help us remain humble.

You are special, but you are not the only special one!

井底之蛙 

A frog at the bottom of a well has only a limited view of the sky.

This is a Chinese idiom that conveys the idea that boastfulness or ignorance is often caused by a limited perspective, and unhappy life circumstances.

Only frogs in the well would think that they are “the best” because they have lived in the well for too long. But if they were willing to climb out of the well, they would see that the real sky is unlimited.

Any award or position or wealth that you have acquired could also be acquired—or exceeded—by other people. People may have accomplished similar things in the past. Other people may accomplish similar things in the future. You can be a prodigy and excel in one area or many areas in life, but there must be an area that you are not good at, or an area in which you require others’ assistance or guidance.

Be humble. Humility is good for you, for other people, and for the world.

We can rejoice in each other’s success and support each other.

We do not have to be competitors. We can be allies—or better still, one humanity.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I strive for personal growth and self-improvement, while respecting and admiring the achievements of others. 

Persuasion

Sharing our stories and opinions can help us obtain justice, equality, and freedom. Even though we may feel very upset about the many injustices in life, we have to acknowledge that only love can solve problems. Hate cannot.

We have to manage anger, so that we can talk about difficult matters in a well-balanced way.  When stories and living situations affect us on a personal level, it can be very difficult to remain calm and logical. Sometimes it is healthy to take a step back to look at the big picture. And sometimes it is essential to talk with other people who strive for peace and justice, so that we can encourage each other along the way.

If we would like to help people make positive changes, we need to develop understanding first. We need to do a lot of listening, which requires our effort to put aside our own stories, and just focus on the person sitting in front of us. The other person needs to feel understood.

No matter what the situation, if we can help people talk about their concerns and their feelings, and really listen to what they tell us, we are letting them know we care deeply about them. (Fred Rogers)

Trust and rapport must come before advice. Trust needs to be built with time, consistency, understanding, and common ground. Finally, before giving any advice, we need people’s consent to do so.

Nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. (John Gottman)

However, when imminent danger or harm is involved, advice needs to be given promptly. Even then, our demeanour must remain calm and rational.

If our purpose is to help people and communities improve, we cannot simply vent our anger. Truth can still be presented accurately when we use a respectful voice. And when we do that, people get to hear what we have to say, and they may start to contemplate. If our voice is not calm and respectful, it is unlikely that we will persuade anyone who doesn’t already agree with us.

To really be of help to others we need to be guided by compassion. (Dalai Lama)

For most of us, we can easily develop compassion for the people whom we love and understand deeply. We need to extend that love and deep understanding to people or communities who are enemies, or opponents, before we can help influence them.

It is not enough simply to wish that love and compassion grow within us. We need a sustained effort to cultivate such positive qualities. (Dalai Lama)

It is hard work… especially if our opponents have done harm to us, to our loved ones, or to our community. It is all too easy to slip back to anger, frustration, sadness, and hatred. It takes time and practice to be able to communicate about and communicate with our opponents in a gentle, respectful tone of voice.

Without understanding, we cannot help change any person, let alone a community. Change is never easy. If we are passionate about helping people make positive changes, we need to practice understanding, patience, tolerance, respect, and compassion.

How can we stay calm and logical? It can help to talk to other people who strive for peace. It can help to read about the lives of great peacemakers. And it can help to learn the historical stories of our opponents. Once we can develop understanding, compassion can easily follow. So learn their stories. Learn their cultures. Learn their histories. You may gain some valuable insights, which can help you let go of any strong feeling. And you may come up with constructive plans that can help influence other people in a positive manner.

You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips. (Oliver Goldsmith)

Childhood & Therapy

I encourage all of us to learn more about human rights and human suffering. In particular, take time to hear the stories of those who have survived child abuse. This can become a foundation to more deeply understand other problems in relationships, families, communities, or nations. 

The effects of child abuse involve many layers of suffering. Every case is different, but at the same time, every case has some similarities. To ignore the effects of child abuse can lead to a whole range of unwise life decisions and behaviours later on.

The happiness of childhood, the calming of a child’s fears and the healthy development of its self-confidence depend directly upon love. (Dalai Lama)

Our genes, upbringing, experiences, politics, and society can all play a role in shaping our minds, beliefs, and manners. However, I strongly believe that each of us has a choice to be a respectful and kind person no matter where we came from and what we have been through.

People who have survived abusive childhoods may need therapeutic support in order to grow healthily. Without an experience of loving, consistent care in childhood, it can be hard to develop the loving, caring part of ourselves unless we have some extra help.

Movement towards resilience doesn’t happen in isolation. Nor is it linear or neat. It’s messy work, with healing emerging through community and solidarity. (Kristen Lee)

If we can imagine what it is like to live someone else’s childhood, maybe we can all develop love and compassion easily, even if that person behaved harmfully in the past. If we have mastered this type of understanding and let go of our anger, we can practice seeing even a country as a “person.” Every country has its “childhood,” and most countries have been through wars or other traumatic struggles. We can be good citizens of our country, if we have empathic understanding of our country’s history. Some countries have been through so much turmoil that they have a sort of large-scale traumatic injury as well as “personality issues.” For some, without having fully healed from their wounds, they exclude, control, or attack others… perhaps subconsciously thinking that these tactics could protect themselves or help them rise. Yet, of course, this type of behaviour prevents others from liking or supporting them.

If a victim of abuse behaves kindly, it becomes easy for us to develop compassion. But what if a victim of abuse behaves rudely or abusively?

The divine instruction of Christian theology to “love your enemies” is much easier said than done. It is important to strive to love our enemies: this is one of the keys to world peace. If we can all practice understanding a person’s or a community’s or a country’s “childhood,” then maybe loving the people who have done harm to us can become possible.

Loving our enemies is an abstract idea, which requires a long debate from all different angles to explore its meaning. I can only share my brief opinion here. I think loving our enemies refers to the idea that we do not attack our opponents, and we do not treat them the way they treated us. We can seek justice, but in a peaceful and rational way. We can take our time to work on letting go of hatred and nurture forgiveness instead. We do not have to like them; to say that we like them may be a bit naïve and deceptive… because if we actually like the people who practice abusive, discriminatory, or exploitative behaviour, we lose our values, and we are not standing with justice or the victims of injustice. But when our enemies are truly remorseful, sincerely apologize to us, and make real amends, we may accept them and support them to change.

Imagine a person who was once mean to you. But imagine that they are now attending a therapy session with you. Imagine them telling their childhood stories, in a therapeutic setting. This could help your anger to dissipate. Sometimes, people who have done harm may not have self-awareness, and they may insist that they have no problems at all. This could be understood as a resistance in their therapy, which needs to be managed through patience, empathy, and strict boundaries.

In this analogy, it becomes difficult if we were to slip back and focus on the harm that they did to us again. Having a history of negative life experience does not make it okay to harm others.

Do what you can, and do not expect immediate results. Change requires everyone’s small efforts all combined together, over long periods of time.

Psychotherapy

I encourage all of us to go to psychotherapy, to develop a deeper and more accurate understanding of ourselves, and to strive to live a healthy life. Therapy can help us use our own willpower, diligence, and kindness to refuse living a life that harms other people or ourselves. Previous unhealthy patterns can be unlearned, though it takes a lot of our time and effort.

Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetime’s work, but it’s worth the effort. (Fred Rogers)

The following is a link to a very good article about psychotherapy (Manotas, 2016). Psychotherapy is not only for relieving psychological symptoms, but also for developing inner discovery.  

All these ideas are beautiful, but putting the ideas into action is challenging. I encourage all of us to keep trying to develop compassion for all people. Compassion can help us stay calm, make wise decisions, and enable positive changes.

Be a kind and compassionate person. This is the inner beauty that is a key factor to making a better world.  (Dalai Lama)

Mr. Rogers

What if we could all talk like Mr. Rogers?

Maybe we could then help persuade and change many “tough guys!”

I wish I could have watched Mr. Rogers’ Neighbourhood when I was a child. But it’s never too late! Whether you are a child, an adolescent, or an adult, I encourage you to watch videos of Mr. Rogers! The following is a link to a 10-minute video called The Best of Mr. Rogers (Best of Humans, 2017).

His legacy can truly live on if we learn to be a bit more like him… to develop and nurture a heart of gold. 

The values we care about the deepest, and the movements within society that support those values, command our love. When those things that we care about so deeply become endangered, we become enraged. And what a healthy thing that is! Without it, we would never stand up and speak out for what we believe. (Fred Rogers)

When I say it’s you I like, I’m talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed. (Fred Rogers)

… the most important thing is that we are able to be one to one, you and I, with each other at the moment. If we can be present to the moment, with the person that we happen to be with at the moment… that’s what it is important. (Fred Rogers)

To continue your reading and learning about this very important subject, I encourage you to have a look at this wonderful article by Sean Malone: The Power of Making Friends with Ideological Enemies (Malone, 2017). 

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I strive for peace, in my community, in my home, and in my own mind. 

References

Best of Humans. (2017, March 26). The best of Mr. Rogers [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSbYQz3rluM

Malone, S. (2017, September 7). The power of making friends with ideological enemies. Retrieved from https://fee.org/articles/making-friends-from-enemies/

Manotas, M. A. (2016, February 15). You need therapy, but not for the reasons you might think. Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/you-need-therapy-but-not-for-reasons-you-might-think-0215164

Coming Out

“Coming out” is a term used to describe people of the LGBTQ+ community disclosing their sexual orientation or gender identity to others. The process of coming out can be extremely stressful, involving risks, stigma, oppression, discrimination, or shame.   

I have always believed the term “coming out” should not only be reserved for people of the LGBTQ+ community, but also for victims of emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual abuse.

I have also believed the term “coming out” should be applicable to all people who have been through war, exile, harassment, assault, rape, bullying, or discrimination based on their age, sex, gender, race, sexual orientation, social status, religious belief, physical disabilities, or mental health issues.

In fact, maybe “coming out” could refer to sharing any authentic part of ourselves which had previously been kept secret or hidden. Sometimes we all can hide important parts of ourselves and our experiences, in such a way that it limits our freedom and joy of life. 

The common factor with all these “coming out” situations is that there could be a fear of being judged negatively by others, if the truth or the stories were known. So people have historically dealt with this fear of judgment by staying silent. Such silence, however, is harmful to all of us, and is harmful to society itself. It is healing and liberating for individuals, as well as for all of society, to speak the truth.

Telling people your true stories of difficult life experiences and showing people who you really are can be stressful; it could involve risks, stigma, oppression, discrimination, or shame. But these painful memories, stories, or scars are part of you, part of who you are. You do not have to be silent. You do not have to hide yourself and your own stories. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Be brave enough to let people know who you are.

Suffering is our Common Ground

I have stumbled across a Youtube video, which I find moving and encouraging (DeGeneres, 2017). A very short clip of Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, and Michelle Obama—exchanging purely positive energy!

Listen to the way they talk to each other, listen to their words… is there a tiny little bit of jealousy there? No!

Any fear of their friends achieving greater accomplishments than themselves? No!

They lift each other up, encourage and support each other, embrace each other wholeheartedly, and wish each other well sincerely! What do you see in their smiles? Do they have healthy self-esteem?

All of them have been through hardships, in their own unique way.

But they have chosen to use their adversity as an asset to help other people.

One of the most amazing things about human suffering is that it can have the potential to help us understand each other, develop compassion for each other, and connect us to each other. All human suffering, if we have wisdom and open-mindedness to interpret them, shares common ground. This could be considered an “existential” idea—for this reason, Existential Therapy is one of my favourite therapies. And promoting equality and humanity is of paramount importance!

Healthy self-esteem is not attained only when a person has fame and wealth. Some people who have wealth, fame, luxuries, education, or a respected profession can still have very low self-esteem and can still have so much bitterness that they treat others unkindly and do not wish other people well!

Healthy self-esteem is a choice, made by your humility, self-awareness, disciplined hard work, and willingness to be guided by genuinely kind and compassionate people.

Be Brave

By protecting your abusers, violators, and bullies, due to personal, familial, cultural, or religious values and beliefs, you suffer. By burying the truth, healing is hindered. By denying your pain, you pass on brokenness to the next generations or to other people.

When you keep things on the inside, the weight of it can hold you down. (Iyanla Vanzant)

Do not be silent! Come out and speak the truth!

It requires a great deal of courage, strength, and self-esteem to share your difficult stories, or to tell people who you are.

By sharing your stories, not only are you empowering yourself, but you are also empowering other people, encouraging other people to do the same, leading to less stigma, discrimination, shame, oppression, and violence, but more understanding, compassion, equality, freedom, and love!  

There will be people who respect you, admire your encourage, support you, cheer you on, and actually feel motivated to join you!

There will also be people who laugh at you, discriminate against you, condemn you, doubt you, or oppress you. In the video, we learn that Oprah and Ellen received a lot of hate mail and even death threats (DeGeneres, 2017)! Try not to focus too much on the people who lack understanding, compassion, and support; sometimes it takes a while for people to develop understanding, and sometimes, there are people who choose not to develop compassion for you, for other people, and even for themselves!

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. (Mother Teresa)  

The strongest actions for a woman is to love herself, be herself, and shine amongst those who never believed she could. (Author Unknown)

I was once afraid of people saying, “Who does she think she is?” Now I have the courage to stand and say, “This is who I am.” (Oprah Winfrey)

If there is anyone on your journey who tries to shame you, rest assured that there are other genuine, compassionate, and kind people standing by you, supporting you fully, and cheering you on. Do not let negative behaviour from others hinder you from living a healthy, happy life! You deserve love, respect, and kindness!

The process of “coming out” can be scary, nerve-wracking, unsettling… but being able to accept and come close to your true stories, and letting people know who you are is therapeutic. In cases of abuse or trauma, the negative stories may become part of identity, sometimes in a very unwelcome way. But by sharing these stories courageously, the adversity can lose its power to define your identity. Your identity need not be one of an “abused person,” but rather it can become up to you to define… abuse or trauma may be part of your story, but as long as it is not kept secret or bottled up, it doesn’t have to have a damaging effect on your identity.   

I encourage you to take one step at a time, and start sharing your stories with one or two of your close confidants who have shown you trustworthiness, understanding, respect, and compassion. Working with a therapist in the process can be immensely helpful; sharing with your therapist is already a kind of disclosure, and therapy offers understanding, support, and healing.

Remember, you are the one in control: when you would like to tell people your stories, how you would like to talk about them, who you would like to disclose your stories to, or how much detail you would like to go into are all under your control. Treat yourself with gentle care and compassion. Listen to your heart above all other voices. Know your limits and try not to let your sharing become too overwhelming. Share it only when you are ready, and start sharing with the people who are genuinely compassionate and open-minded. You are not obligated to tell everyone all of your stories.

Be courageous and be kind.

Let your light shine: it is never, ever meant to be dimmed.

Your whole calling is about you being who you were meant to be…. You would not be who you are… you wouldn’t have been able to open hearts, and touch hearts, and change people’s minds, and make a difference in the world had you not had the courage to do that. And 20 years ago, you had no idea it would put you in this seat. (Oprah Winfrey said to Ellen DeGeneres)

 Live a life that says: “This is who I am.”

The science behind revealing our stories and telling people who we are

Studies show that people who have written about their trauma exhibit improved physical health and reduced visits to physicians. Writing about traumatic experiences can prompt people to discuss the details of their trauma with others, which in turn lead to improved social relationships. When people keep their traumatic experiences secret, they are more likely to be socially isolated and to suffer alone, leading to lessened ability to cope with the traumatic symptoms (Pennebaker & Graybeal, 2001; Sloan, Marx, Bovin, Feinstein, & Gallagher, 2012; Stuckey & Noble, 2010). 

If you are interested in writing about your trauma or other difficult life experiences, there are books that can help you start, such as The Story You Need to Tell: Writing to Heal from Trauma, Illness, or Loss (Marinella, 2017).

Liberation & Balance

There are many reasons to communicate about past traumatic experiences. By sharing, and “coming out,” with a person whom you trust, it can allow you to feel more free. The events from the past will then have less power over you. And you will be less alone with your memories. 

Sometimes, we can become immersed and preoccupied with our negative memories. This is something to watch out for: remember, a goal of sharing your story is to be more free, to empower yourself, and to empower others! Be careful not to let the frequent sharing of your story become something that only makes you ruminate, or makes you feel more trapped in negative memories. So, we must strive for balance as well as openness. Sharing, and “coming out” with our painful stories, may also allow us the freedom to also “come out” with our joys, our talents, and all other parts of ourselves. 

How you tell your story can keep you wounded and stuck, or it can help you grow in understanding. (Iyanla Vanzant)

May Your Voice Be Kind  

Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for 27 years, but he did not come out of the prison with bitterness. Instead, he transformed his adversity into kindness, humility, peace, wisdom, and positive changes for his country!

Practice using a calm, peaceful tone of voice and transform your adversity into kindness. In the process of sharing, may you search for meaning and purpose, practice gratitude and forgiveness, and embrace faith and hope.  

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison. (Nelson Mandela)

No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite. (Nelson Mandela)

Love

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, said, “As it happens, I did most of my work for no money at all, in clinics for the poor” (Frankl, 2006).

I admire him, for his love, courage, and wisdom.

During the Holocaust, Frankl was a prisoner in concentration camps. He wrote Man’s Search for Meaning, which was first published in 1946, based on his experiences and observation of other fellow prisoners’ experiences (Frankl, 2006). I think Frankl’s work is an act of great leadership—to guide us, through personal example, how to approach suffering and adversity by nurturing hope while developing our values and inner strengths. I think his own personal experience of unbelievable suffering makes his message unbelievably deep and persuasive, as though his own voice is like the voice of a million people. His book itself, and the story of how it was created, is part of his own therapy! I love therapeutic ideas where the therapist can lead by personal example.  

Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true. (Viktor Frankl)

As a psychotherapist, I believe it is not the most fancy skills, techniques, and assessment tools that heal, although it is important and interesting to learn about them. Love and unconditional positive regard are the essential healing components in therapy. It is love that heals.

Compassion, kindness, and forgiveness shall not only be reserved for people whom we love, but also for our enemies, abusers, bullies, people who do not like us, and people whom we do not like.  

One of Paul Bloom (2016)’s points, in Against Empathy, is that maybe we don’t have to like or love people who do us harm, but we do have to manage our anger or dislike in a peaceful way, so that we do not get drawn into an escalating cycle of aggression or even violence. I think, though, that the idea of “love” is exactly that: “love” in the agape, or the Christian sense, suggests an attitude of peacefulness, tolerance, and self-control, even with people whom we do not like or who do not like us. 

The latest brain scan research suggests that we have a rather binary understanding of self and other and that our empathy circuits do not activate unless we see the other person as part of our own group. So many wars have been fought and so much injustice has been perpetrated because we’ve banished others from our group and therefore our circle of concern (Dalai Lama, Tutu, & Abrams, 2016, p. 183).

Loving the people who love you is easy. Loving the people who have done harm in your life, or whom you do not appreciate is not. But it is possible, and not only it is possible, it is healing, transformative, and liberating. I am no different from the people who do not like me or whom I do not like, if I were to refuse practicing compassion and forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not only happen under the condition of bullies, abusers, or violators apologizing sincerely, making amends, or participating in restorative practice. Some people are resistant to reflect on their problematic behaviour and make positive changes in their life. When these people are not sincerely remorseful and apologetic, it may not be safe or healthy to be physically or emotionally close to them. But forgiveness, developing compassion for them, striving to do no harm to them, as well as letting go of hatred and anger is still possible. 

To be able to love your enemies requires time, disciplined effort, and sustained practice.

Love heals.

May we always choose love, no matter where we are on our journey and no matter how hard it is… love for all humanity.

Equality Reduces Violence in the World

Stephen Pinker (2011)’s book, The better angels of our nature: Why violence has declined, reviews a huge body of evidence showing that historic rates of violence, in almost all its forms, were proportionally orders of magnitude higher the farther back in history one goes. With this violence, obviously there was a much lower degree of wellness in all its forms. Part of his thesis is an examination of causes for reductions in violence, and an examination of causes for why violence still persists.

Pinker (2011) has his own generalized list of features of a healthier community associated with reduced rates of violence, including having freedom of speech, free trade (which transforms “zero sum” situations of aggressive looting into “win-win” situations of mutual cooperation), a cultural emphasis on empathy and cooperation rather than chauvinism, and especially an emphasis on universal education (particularly with equal access for men and women) to foster reason, communication, and understanding of others. His evidence is quite compelling, in a lengthy survey encompassing thousands of years of human history. He also adds an argument with some evidence-based support, that there has been selective pressure in recent centuries,  towards a decline in aggressiveness in human populations: quite simply, aggressive, violent, impulsive behaviour is found to be much less attractive or permissible in a mate in the modern age, compared to hundreds or thousands of years ago.  

In my pursuit, as a psychotherapist, to help increase wellness, I think the same principles apply as those which reduce societal violence: encouragement personally and politically to have better education, improved equality for all, and an economy which is based on fairness with a global view. 

Life

Life is filled with pain and struggles, but also surprises and happiness.

In the midst of suffering, we can learn to derive meaning from it, and we can also continue to embrace all the wonderful things in the world, such as spending time with our loved ones, journaling, reading, listening to music, drinking a cup of rooibos tea or brown rice green tea (my recent favourite beverages), exercising, being in nature, painting, enjoying our fashion style, savouring sweet memories, smiling, and even laughing!

You are allowed to feel sad and shed tears, but you are also allowed to feel happy and laugh, no matter what you have been through in life! Being able to smile or laugh, even when you are surrounded by arduous experiences and memories, is a sign of resilience.

Life is like a movie; there are comedies, tragedies, a mix of both, and boring movies which are neither joyful nor miserable. As long as you play your part to the fullest, your movie is a good one. (Tong King Sum / 唐景森)

I wish you freedom. I wish you peace. And I wish you healing.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I “come out,” speak the true stories of my life, and let people know who I am.

References

Bloom, P. (2016). Against empathy: The case for rational compassion. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

Dalai Lama, Tutu, D., & Abrams, D. (2016). The book of joy: Lasting happiness in a changing world. New York, NY: Viking.

DeGeneres, E. [TheEllenShow]. (2017, April 28). Oprah and Ellen remember the history-changing 'coming out' episode [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZyodLr-4oY

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man's search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. Boston, MA: Beacon Press.

Marinella, S. (2017). The story you need to tell: Writing to heal from trauma, illness, or loss. Novato, CA: New World Library.

Pennebaker, J. W., & Graybeal, A. (2001). Patterns of natural language use: Disclosure, personality, and social integration. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 10(3), 90-93. doi:10.1111/1467-8721.00123

Pinker, S. (2011). The better angels of our nature: Why violence has declined. New York, NY: Viking.

Sloan, D. M., Marx, B. P., Bovin, M. J., Feinstein, B. A., & Gallagher, M. W. (2012). Written exposure as an intervention for PTSD: A randomised clinical trial with motor vehicle accident survivors. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 50(10), 627-635. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2012.07.001

Stuckey, H. L., & Noble, J. (2010). The connection between art, healing, and public health: A review of current literature. American Journal of Public Health, 100(2), 254-263. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2008.156497

De-stigmatizing Mental Health Issues

Sometimes in social conversations, I feel uncomfortable hearing people using many different labels to diagnose people whom they encounter, especially when those “diagnoses” are inaccurate. These actions can be harmful to people who are struggling with a mental health problem, and these inaccurate comments can perpetuate stigma and discrimination in the society as a whole.

There are different settings in which the use of diagnostic labels can be helpful, such as in hospitals, clinics, classrooms, textbooks, etc. But in social settings, using these labels too often can have the effect of elevating the person who diagnoses, while putting down the person who is given a label. This can be discriminatory.   

I think it’s really important to de-stigmatize mental illness in any form. I think there’s a lot of people that are carrying around guilt and shame and baggage… that doesn’t matter. Everybody is going through something, everybody has had something that they’ve had to overcome. (Mary Lambert)

At the root of this dilemma is the way we view mental health in this country. Whether an illness affects your heart, your leg or your brain, it’s still an illness, and there should be no distinction. (Michelle Obama)

We know that mental illness is not something that happens to other people. It touches us all. Why then is mental illness met with so much misunderstanding and fear? (Tipper Gore)

Sometimes, people feel afraid of being stigmatized, and as a result, they may refuse to see a psychotherapist or seek help from a mental health professional. I find individuals who are willing to see a psychotherapist courageous because they have self-awareness: they realize that they need help to get through some problems in a positive manner, or to enhance their overall health. It takes bravery and humility to acknowledge a problem and to seek help.

Don’t let your ego, job position, social status, wealth, or other factors hinder you from living a better, happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life. We only live once!

Avoid Using the Term “Crazy”?

Certain words, such as “crazy,” are sometimes used in an insulting or disrespectful manner. We do have to be careful to use respectful language. I don’t think that “crazy” has to be avoided entirely though—I like to reserve the word, for example, to say something like “Wow, so many things have happened in the past few days—what a crazy week I’ve had!” Some types of language, or particular words, could sometimes be “reclaimed” as harmless, neutral, or playful. But in the meantime, we must be careful not to use language in an insensitive or hurtful manner. 

Language usage is a very specific issue. In a much more general way, it is with good education and treating people with mental health problems kindly, fairly, and compassionately that we can really help de-stigmatize mental health issues!

Counselling Can’t Be Rushed

It is a major trend nowadays for counsellors to offer short-term therapy. But I am a bigger fan of long-term therapy styles. 

We all desire health care which is cost effective and efficient, in our fast-paced modern lifestyle. Many people have to be on a waiting list for a long time before they can see a psychotherapist—short-term therapy styles allow more people to be helped more quickly. 

I also understand that in this day and age, solution focused brief therapy is the trend. I appreciate brief therapy too, and I agree that many people would benefit from 5, 8, or 10 sessions of counselling, with problems such as grief, mild phobia, or seasonal depression. Many people would benefit from even just one counselling session, especially with a very good therapist!

But in many cases, the problems leading to therapy have been present for many years, or sometimes for an entire lifetime. In these cases, it will often take more than a few sessions of counselling to see resolution of entrenched, long-term problems. 

Positive change involves many factors. Time is a big factor. The rapport between the therapist and the client is another important factor. The client’s awareness, readiness for change, hard work, and regular practice play a very, very pivotal role. Social support in the client’s life is also of paramount importance.

I think there are no short cuts in life…. But hard work, practice, persistence, support, and hope can help us move forward… 

Psychotherapy is like learning a new language. Most people cannot master a new language, speaking and writing fluently, after just 10 hours of lessons! English and Mandarin are my second and third languages—I know that it requires constant practice, frequent interactions with native speakers, extreme hard work, and the opportunities to teach the languages, to be able to come across as a native English or Mandarin speaker sometimes. And I am still learning! The learning process does not ever end! To wish that you could “live your life fluently” after just having 10 hours of counselling sessions is not realistic, if you have struggled with some serious problems for almost your entire life!

Promises of quick fixes and magical cures are unsustainable and hollow. (Sameet Kumar)

Resistance to Change

Sometimes, in psychotherapy or in other areas of life, we may be taught a new skill, but we may say, “I don’t want to do that.” Sometimes, this refusal could be said directly to the teacher or therapist, while at other times, it is conveyed indirectly in facial expression or body language.

It’s an interesting dynamic.

Sometimes we are not ready to change yet. There may be awareness of struggles or problems in life, which lead to seeking help, but then sometimes we are not yet fully prepared to take action and make changes in life. Sometimes, we may prefer the therapist, or teacher, or trainer, or coach, to do all the work. Or sometimes, we may feel really stuck, tired, or hopeless…

In cases like these, we may assume that no change would happen, and that there would be no point continuing the work.    

This futility can occur in the setting of short-term therapy.

But if it is long-term therapy, you can see improvements—maybe some very small positive changes—develop gradually over time! The benefit is from the stable, healthy therapeutic relationship, regular, structured appointments, psychoeducation, reflection, insights, or encouragement and acceptance from the therapist. We can see “baby steps” forward in life, even when we are still hearing language such as “I don’t want to do that!”

Sometimes we are already making positive change, without even acknowledging it! Over time in therapy, we may start to reflect. We may start to develop more self-awareness. We may start to think about trying those skills that the therapist talked about. Sometimes, maybe just a few steps forward, before taking action and practicing regularly.

Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow. (Plato)

Be Patient

This is for the client, for the psychotherapist, for the client’s family and friends, for the community.

Be patient. Befriend time. Life is not a race.

One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. What is amazing is that they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they never leave him behind or ask him to change, they just show him love. (Author Unknown)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I acquire knowledge about mental health and develop compassion for myself and others.