Be Kind to Yourself

Be kind to others, but also to yourself!

One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself (Rubin, 2015, p. 352).

Research suggests that cultivating your own joy and happiness has benefits not just for you, but also for others in your life. When we are able to move beyond our own pain and suffering, we are more available to others; pain causes us to be extremely self-focused. Whether the pain is physical or mental, it seems to consume all of our focus and leave very little attention for others (Dalai Lama, TuTu, & Abrams, 2016, p. 62).

If you have depression, it may be hard for you to “be happy.” If you have experienced abuse, sometimes it may be hard for you to know your own worth, to value yourself, or to take good care of yourself. You may not know how to set healthy boundaries, to protect yourself or to stand up for yourself, and to live a happy life. Or your boundaries may have become too rigid—this leads to difficulty trusting other people, and to other negative effects on your relationships with others. It takes time to heal, to learn, and to improve. Seek help from a therapist and persist with treatments. In the process of treatment, be kind to yourself too! There is help, and there is hope!

Make your own recovery the first priority in your life. (Robin Norwood)

When you are healthy, happy, and physically and emotionally stable, you can give your best to others and make other people feel happy and content. So be your own lover! Find creative, interesting, or even romantic ways to make yourself smile! Pamper yourself once in a while! Have a sweet and caring relationship with yourself. This helps maintain healthy well-being.

Self-talk

We all have dialogues with ourselves: to think things through, to weigh the pros and cons of decisions, and to evaluate others and ourselves. But sometimes we could look too closely at ourselves and become too self-critical! People who have self-esteem issues or a history of abuse may sometimes have a very cruel view of themselves. During those times, what I would encourage people to do is to read the following affirmation and meditate on it:

I remember all the bitter thoughts that crossed my mind, words that came out of my mouth, and actions that I did. I remember all the mistakes, embarrassment, or even regrets in my life. It wouldn’t be fair if I only focus on my weaknesses though. So I deliberately think about my strengths as well. I recall all the compliments and encouragement that I have received in my life. I acknowledge my gifts and talents. I feel proud of my accomplishments. And I remember all the sincere and appreciative words and gestures that people have given me. Now, I look at both sides. I acknowledge that my strengths and weaknesses are both part of me. No one is perfect. I am imperfect. I choose to embrace both sides of me. I choose to like both sides of me. I will not let my past or my flaws hold me back—everyone is changing, including me! I forgive myself. I am able to work hard to improve myself, and I work hard to maintain those parts that I like. Even if I am sometimes too tired to do this work, I know that I am a good person, that I have value, and that I will do what I can with the energy that I have. And finally, I make peace with myself.

Remember, everyone deserves love, respect, and kindness, including yourself!

It is normal to encounter some people who dislike you, or who may treat you unkindly… if this happens, brush it off and move on. Don’t join the people who dislike you or judge you harshly. Try not to believe in words spoken by people who are embittered.

Join the people who love you dearly and sincerely! 

Do not speak badly of yourself. For the warrior within hears your words and is lessened by them. (David Gemmell)

Body Image

Sometimes, we can develop a distorted or perfectionistic view of our body image. As a result, we may criticize our body too much, sometimes using disrespectful or even nasty language.

Our relationship with our body is like any type of relationship: the relationship thrives not because it is completely perfect, filled with only positive interactions. There are enjoyable times, but also unpleasant times.  In order to maintain a good and healthy relationship with a friend or a family member, we do need to tolerate arguments or disagreements sometimes, and focus more on what we value in the relationship or in the person. 

Developing a healthy relationship with our body requires acceptance of our perceived imperfections, as well as appreciation of the parts that we like about ourselves. Treat and talk to your body as though your body were your loved one. If you have body image issues, there are many therapeutic, evidence-based exercises that can be helpful. Improvements do not happen overnight, but with time and practice, you will come to realize that you are able to love and embrace your entire body and your entire self. You may even come to realize that your perceived imperfections are just right for you. 

One of the things that I recommend to any person is portrait photography in nature. Take artistic photographs of yourself! You can hire a professional photographer, or you can learn how to become a self-portrait photographer yourself.  

Being the subject of a photo shoot allows us to express ourselves, generate self-awareness, learn about mindfulness, and develop self-acceptance.

Nature has wonderful healing properties!

The experience could lead to a feeling of love and gratitude for nature. The final products, which are the photographs, remind the photographer and the subjects that their work together had created these unique sets of photos. This collaboration, creation, and celebration of goodness and beauty, is the foundation of art.  Reviewing the photographs can help us acquire a positive, reflective, and accepting perspective of our physical selves.  

Actualize Your Potential

When you spend your time and energy putting yourself down, ruminating on your past mistakes, feeling jealous of others, envying other people’s achievements, or showing off your things, you take away your limited time and energy which would be better used to actualize your potential and to live out the purpose of your life. You are special, unique, full of wonderful gifts and talents! You don’t have to look at what other people are doing; you can focus on your own life, discover your own gifts, and strive to live up to your potential, no matter where you are on your journey now. Don’t let jealousy and envy disrupt your peace of mind. Fight to become the person whom you like.

Embrace Yourself

You are precious. 

You are loved.

You are enough. 

Choice, not chance, determines your destiny. It’s up to you to decide what you are worth, how you matter, and how you make meaning in the world. No one else has your gifts—your sets of talents, ideas, interests. You are an original. A masterpiece. (Regina Brett)

Affirmations: I enrich my life when I ensure that I treat and communicate with myself kindly. I enrich my life when I accept and love my whole self.

References

Dalai Lama, Tutu, D., & Abrams, D. (2016). The book of joy: Lasting happiness in a changing world. New York, NY: Viking.

Rubin, G. (2015). The happiness project: Or why I spent a year trying to sing in the morning, clean my closets, fight right, read Aristotle, and generally have more fun. New York, NY: Harper.

Forgive Others

Forgiveness is not easy.

Forgiveness is being able to let go from your heart, truly and genuinely.

If you have experienced war, exile, abuse, assault, bullying, discrimination, dishonesty, dehumanizing or rude behaviours from others… you know that it’s not always easy to just forgive.

But forgiveness is possible.

Forgiveness is therapeutic: it gives you freedom and inner peace. Forgiveness is strength. Forgiveness has the power to heal and transform.

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. (Jonathan Lockwood Huie)

Here is a brief but challenging exercise:

Imagine having the same life circumstances as a person who has done harm to you… these circumstances could be a history of adversity (many abusive people have a history of being harmed by others), or it could be exposure to cultural, social, or educational factors which have taught them to behave meanly towards others. In your exercise, I am sure you would feel uncomfortable to feel in the other person’s shoes. It would be a terrible life to be a cruel person yourself! Regardless of the causes of the other person’s cruelty, imagine how difficult it would be to live such a life, and imagine the obstacles there could be to truly changing, accepting justice, apologizing, making amends, dealing with the guilt, and becoming a better person. Be aware that if such a person encounters others, such as past victims, who simply show them hateful or vindictive reactions to their behaviour, it is unlikely for that person to change for the better—in fact, their behaviour is likely to get even worse. 

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart. (Author Unknown)

Exercises like this can help facilitate healing, and it can also be a reminder: strive to do no harm to other people because you know how painful it is to be harmed.

Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not. (Paulo Coelho)  

Forgiveness is not remaining passive and allowing other people to harm us continually. Forgiving is not ignoring or swallowing mean behaviours, but rather is stepping back from our emotions and hurt, and aiming instead for calm, peace, and justice in a rational way. You still need to courageously stand up for yourself, and for others! The great examples that I can think of are Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. They have forgiven, but they continue to talk about what they have been through and ways that can help all of us promote equality and humanity. They are still pursuing justice.

Forgiveness is also not necessarily welcoming people who have harmed you back into your life. Oftentimes, it is actually not safe or healthy for you to be physically or emotionally close to these people, especially if they are not genuinely remorseful and apologetic.

I don’t think people understand that you can forgive a person and not allow them back into your life. That is possible, very possible. (Author Unknown)  

You can love them, forgive them, want good things for them… but still move on without them. (Mandy Hale)

Forgiveness is being able to make peace with your pain… forgiveness is noble… forgiveness is self-love… forgiveness sets you free…

One of the ways to achieve forgiveness is nurturing kindness. But many people ask, how? Be in the presence of genuinely kind people. Yes, spending time with sincerely kind people, learning from them, carrying them in your heart… if they cannot always be around you, then carry those memories with you. Kindness heals. Truly. And you need to practice kindness on a daily basis.  

Another exercise that you can do, whether you are religious or not, is writing down a list of names of people who did harm in your life, or people who treated you rudely or disrespectfully. Then you pray for them or you meditate to practice your compassion. The more you practice, the more peace you will have, and the more beautiful your life will be. But we would have to be careful not to let this exercise be an occasion to ruminate or obsess further, in a way which makes our negative feelings worse. Exercises like this are best if they are planned in advance, time-limited (for example, just 10 minutes), and done at a time when you are feeling a little bit better, instead of a little bit worse. Exercises of any kind are not as helpful if you do them when exhausted or suffering your worst pain… exercise is best done when you are at your best. 

Religious texts often deal with the subject of forgiveness. There are some well-known verses from the Bible which are meant to encourage a different way of dealing with enemies or people who are not kind to us:

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (Luke 6:27-28)

 If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. (Romans 12:20)

I must confess I am not able to do all of these things wholeheartedly. But I have seen people really practicing these scriptures wholeheartedly… many of whom do not have a religious belief. I admire these people, from the very bottom of my heart. I would love to keep learning from them and keep practicing these virtues diligently.

In my personal experience, I once did very kind acts to a bully during one of her hardest times in life; she then apologized to me for having treated me badly. So your forgiveness would not only bring you inner peace, but it could also change the other person!

We know that we cannot always receive a sincere apology from the people who did harm to us—perhaps forgiveness is feeling at peace, with or without an apology. 

Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got. (Robert Brault)

Forgiveness can be a lifelong learning process for some. Don’t punish yourself for being “slow.” Just keep going, and keep practicing. If it has to be your lifelong homework, let it be. It is a beautiful kind of homework anyway.

Forgiveness is the best form of love. It takes a strong person to say sorry and an even stronger person to forgive. (Author Unknown)

 Choose love.

I wish you well.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I practice forgiveness.

Low Self-esteem: When Self-awareness is Missing

Low self-esteem can manifest in many different ways. Many people lack awareness of their low self-esteem, and engage in defense mechanisms to cope. Low self-esteem leads to a poor quality of life. I hope you can derive insights from this post, and gain awareness about your evaluations of your own worth. Becoming aware of having self-esteem issues and wanting to improve on that is such a brave act!  

Sometimes, low self-esteem leads to social withdrawal. In these situations, self-awareness is usually present; this insight makes it easier for that person to build up healthy self-esteem, with consistent help and support! But we also know that some individuals with low self-esteem do not withdraw. Instead, people may try to cope with low self-esteem by “inflating” themselves externally, such as by boasting. They may seek attention from others, and they may often need something or someone to prove their identity in order to feel secure.  

Sometimes, people have to use objects, materials, social status, or wealth to prove their identity.  

Sometimes, people may be tempted to tell others about how great they are, in terms of their career, assets, intellect, or physical appearance. They may desire compliments so much that they would actually ask for them, or they would keep showing off until a compliment is given. 

These behaviours are often driven by low self-esteem. It is a sign of confidence to share, but it is a sign of insecurity to boast.    

In some disturbing cases, low self-esteem can cause people to behave bitterly or cruelly. The feeling of smallness or weakness inside can sometimes cause people to attack others, in an attempt to assert influence or authority—it is a desperate scramble for power, from a position which feels powerless inside.   

Arrogance is used by the weak, while kindness is used by the strong. (Hans F Hamen) 

Pleasing People  

Helping others is one of the most wonderful, healthy things that a person can do! But sometimes low self-esteem can cause us to be a “people pleaser” too much, so that we become passive or unable to stand up for ourselves authoritatively. 

Bitterness and Jealousy  

Low self-esteem can prevent us from feeling genuinely happy for others’ happiness, achievement, or beauty. Instead, the negative feelings we may have for ourselves cause us to just compare with others, and as a result feel even more inadequate or inferior.   

True confidence has no room for jealousy and envy. When you know you are great, you have no reason to hate. (Author Unknown) 

And we often find out that the things that people brag about are not something that they actually feel very proud of. A confident, billionaire does not need to tell other people that he or she is wealthy! A very confident, attractive woman does not need to tell people that she is very pretty, or ask others to compliment her! 

When we have healthier self-esteem, there is no need for boasting! Achievement or beauty is already self-evident, and it does not even need to be mentioned. In fact, when an accomplished person is humble, it only increases their stature even further!    

井底之蛙  

“A frog at the bottom of a well has only a limited view of the sky.”  

This is a Chinese idiom that conveys the idea that boastfulness is often caused by a limited perspective, and unhappy life circumstances. Let us always emphasize the need to ask ourselves if we are stuck in a well! And if we are stuck, then we need to make a plan to climb out!  

If you have genuine kindness or compassion, then when someone gets something or has more success, you are able to rejoice in their good fortune. For a person who is committed to compassion practice and a genuine sense of concern for others’ well-being, then you will rejoice in others’ good fortune because you will be happy that what that person aspires for is being obtained. (Dalai Lama) 

You see, at the moment that envy or jealousy develops, you no longer can maintain your peace of mind. So jealousy actually destroys your peace of mind. Then that jealousy can become corrosive to the relationship. Even with your good friend, if you develop some sort of jealousy, it will be very harmful to your friendship. (Dalai Lama) 

Bullying  

Sometimes, people with low self-esteem feel intimated by others who are intelligent, attractive, or confident. They become bullies, thinking that they can feel “bigger” by behaving bitterly towards others and putting others down.  

How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves. (Paulo Coelho)   

Happy people with healthy self-esteem simply just don’t have time and energy to bully other individuals, to be mean and rude towards other individuals, to use sarcasm to put down other people, to show off their things, or to feel jealous of other people. They spend their time and energy on improving their own life and other lives in a genuine way. Happy, confident, beautiful people lift others up! Not only do they want to do well, they would like others to do well—this desire is genuine and reflected in all situations that they encounter.  

The more you bully others, the more it reflects how small you feel inside. 

The people who go around becoming bullies are people who have a massive sense of insecurity, who want to prove that they are somebody, often because they did not get enough love. (Desmond Tutu)   

Hurting other people is also hurting yourself. Seek help to manage your self-esteem issues in a healthy way!  

How to deal with bullies

If you have experienced bullying, remember to stand up for yourself assertively and seek help! If it’s workplace harassment, seek legal advice and file a legal complaint. If it’s bullying or discrimination at university, by peers or by professors, file a formal complaint. If it is bullying at school, seek help from your school counsellor and your family. If it is cyber bullying, seek help from friends, family, or a counsellor.  

Don’t let the bullies win! Don’t let their low self-esteem affect your self-esteem! Your courage will help yourself, and it may stop the bully from going around bullying other people!  

Haters don’t really hate you. In fact, they hate themselves because you’re a reflection of what they wish to be. (Author Unknown) 

Don’t worry about the haters… they are just angry because the truth you speak contradicts the lie they live. (Steve Maraboli)  

You don’t have to say anything to the haters. You don’t have to acknowledge them at all. You just wake up every morning and be the best you you can be. And that tends to shut them up. (Michelle Obama)  

Do not follow the bullies’ behaviours! Do not absorb their negativity! The best way to deal with them is to stand up for yourself and walk away. By doing that, you have peace. And your kindness continues to make your life so very beautiful. It shines through your smile, your presence, your acts, and your speech… it draws you to people who are genuinely kind too! If you respond with hate like they do, when is the cycle of negativity going to stop? Be the one to break the cycle!  

One of the best ways to deal with people with bitterness or jealousy is to stand up and to practice your voice and assertiveness. And if you can, be an advocate for other people. Talk about it, preach about it, and let the world know about it. The more we talk about it, the greater the chance that it will stop bullies from harming other people! Be brave! Some of the excellent examples that we have today are Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. They fight in a peaceful way.  

You don’t need the perfect height, the perfect facial features, and the perfect body figure to make you beautiful. When you are sincerely kind, that kindness shines from within, and you will always look beautiful—it’s something that nothing can ever destroy, and no one can ever achieve with cosmetics or designer clothing or other things. Kindness has to be sincere, and kindness requires regular practice towards all humanity.  

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. (Iain Thomas)  

If you nurture bullying, hatred, anger, spite, and disgust 100 times, it will slip through. If you nurture kindness, love, forgiveness, compassion, and altruism 100 times, it will also shine through. The choice is yours.

Bullies

Bullies do not need your punishment (there is no need to seek revenge!). They are already living a hellish lifestyle. The life of a bully is already self-punitive.

The door is not locked: it is always open. As long as they are willing to apologize, make amends, or change for the better, there is plenty of joy, peace, freedom, and love available to them.

Bullies do not always stay the same! Sometimes, they change and become good people.

If you have experienced bullying, use your stories as your motivation to rise! There are many encouraging stories of people who overcome bullying: they work hard, they achieve their goals and dreams, and they shine like a star!  Be like that!

So how to build yourself up?  

Fill your life with experiences, not things. Have stories to tell, not stuff to show. (Author Unknown) 

Building healthy self-esteem requires an integration of humility and self-acceptance.

It involves open-mindedness to be willing to see your flaws or weaknesses, challenge yourself, and make positive changes. There is always room for improvement! Be humble and be brave. Compete with yourself, not with other people!

It also involves knowing yourself very well and nourishing the core, positive parts of yourself without changing them just to be liked or to be accepted by others. The following quote encourages you to be yourself—it is only when you can truly be yourself that would allow other people to love you the way you are! 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. (Dr. Seuss) 

It is human nature to like encouraging statements, compliments, or approval, but one thing that you can ask yourself is whether you need them to prove your identity and whether you can live happily and still feel confident about yourself without them. If your actions are not motivated by compliments, and compliments come as a by-product, you would actually feel very surprised to receive them. And with or without compliments, you would still like to be unapologetically yourself because you wouldn’t allow what people think of you to change the core of who you are. If people don’t like you, you shrug your shoulders and move on, and if people like you, you smile and humbly accept that!  

When I accept myself, I am freed from the burden of needing you to accept me. (Steve Maraboli) 

Healthy self-esteem is not about having certain relationships, things, titles, physical appearance, assets, etc. We often hear people say, “If only I have that…. I will feel happy and confident.” People who have a PhD, a respected profession, a family, numerous friends, an attractive body, fame, a mansion, or luxury sports cars can still have very, very low self-esteem and a very, very bitter attitude! Healthy self-esteem is being able to love and accept your own imperfections and your imperfect life. Of course this is easier said than done! Imagine if you were the Biblical figure, Job, who lost his health, relationships, and assets altogether! Maintaining healthy self-esteem then requires hard work, self-reflection, and healthy discussions with friends and family on a regular basis.  

One of the cures for different types of problems starts with self-awareness. Without self-awareness, people with self-esteem issues go on, sometimes bragging about themselves and showing off their objects, relationships, title, or work, sometimes feeling badly about themselves, and sometimes attacking others, putting others down, or behaving bitterly.   

Having the courage to admit that you have self-esteem issues and a willingness to work on improving your self-esteem is courageous. There is so much hope in people who have self-awareness and who are willing to strive towards improving their well-being with sincerity!  

Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new ending. (Carl Bard)  

We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe) 

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I practice having self-awareness, seek help if I realize that I have self-esteem issues to work on, and persistently engage in healthy ways to improve my self-esteem. 

Kindness Requires Practice

To live a meaningful life, build a genuine kind heart: remain humble, and help other people. Strive to do no harm to others. Just like with the pursuit of education and knowledge, the pursuit of kindness requires self-discipline and hard work. First, we need to train our mind; second, we need to practice. Practice being kind, saying kind words, doing kind acts, seeing others’ strengths and positive aspects, being genuine, and being patient. We must also practice having awareness of our problems or self-esteem issues, so that we do not engage in projection or put other people down.

It is always important to deeply understand situations. This may involve considering the point of view of the other person. We can practice treating other people in a way that we would like to be treated. Thoughtful, compassionate concern for others helps us let go and forgive too. Such kindness and compassion generate inner peace. 

I think kindness is not something that we have or do not have. It is a daily practice which requires self-reflection, discipline, and healthy discussions with others.

I would like to keep practicing…

Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can. (Dalai Lama)

 Affirmation: I enrich my life when I utilize all of my resources to develop and practice kindness.

Cultivating Loving Relationships

Let Go and Stay Joyful

As I get older, I am becoming more selective of who I consider a friend. I find that I would rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. (Steve Maraboli)

It’s interesting that we come across different people in life, and we all say people come and go. It’s true that people come and go. People change, and you yourself change. I used to experience a sense of regret for spending time with people who don't share my values, or associating with individuals or groups whose values are not compatible with mine. 

But as I grow and develop, and when I think deeply about this matter nowadays, those acquaintanceships or even sometimes friendships were meant to be there, so that I can associate or keep associating with people whom I know I can be with for a lifetime. If those previous friendships weren’t there, I would not learn. We all learn from mistakes, and so acquaintanceships or friendships that you have decided to let go of must have their good reasons to be there in the first place, even though they were let go of later. I think it’s important to cultivate a sense of gratitude rather than allowing that sense of regret grows into something negative or bitter as you reflect on them. If you are able to perceive that everything not only happens for a reason, but for a good reason, I believe there are some positive moments that you could derive from relationships that you decided to walk away from. 

Be Picky!  

Sometimes if we are very eager to from new friendships—maybe if we are in a new place, or having a strong unmet need for support—we may make relationship decisions that we regret. I believe it is important to choose relationships with people who are kind, loyal, and patient. This is what I mean by being “picky!” This means that it may be necessary to say no to relationships with those who are not kind, loyal, or patient.  Sometimes it is necessary to let go of unhealthy relationships too. So, “be picky!” 

Notice the people who are happy for your happiness, and sad for your sadness. They’re the ones who deserve special places in your heart. (Author Unknown)

Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher. (Oprah Winfrey)

Be thankful for all the difficult people in your life, and learn from them. They have shown you exactly who you do not want to be. (Author Unknown)

Quality over Quantity

Social support is a very important element of our well being. Many studies showed that people who report to have a few close friends are more likely to describe themselves as happy than those who have no close friends or less close friends. However, I find that the benefits are associated with the quality of social relationships (Demir, Orthel & Andelin, 2013; Demir, Orthel-Clark, Ozdemir, & Ozdemir, 2015). 

Most people do not have time and energy to maintain a hundred high quality, close friendships! It is better to have just a few friends who show special care or understanding. 

There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words, and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand—without you even speaking a word. (Yasmin Mogahed)

In life, surround yourself with those who light your path. (Author Unknown)

The friendships that you allow yourself to be in, or the people whom you allow yourself to associate with, say something about you. Be careful with your choices. Be around with people who reflect your kindness, values, beliefs, principles, and morality. If you would like to reveal your true potential, it is important to associate yourself with people who support and encourage you to become who you are. 

Surround yourself with people that reflect who you want to be and how you want to feel. (Rachel Wolchin) 

We’re all social beings who need social connections to survive and thrive. We all have a need to belong! From my perspective, though, the key is healthy relationships: relationships that strengthen your well-being and morality, generate positive, virtuous energy, facilitate love and care in a genuine manner, encourage open-mindedness, and practice humility, empathy, altruism, and compassion consistently. Energy is contagious. While I often encourage others and myself, not to absorb others’ bitterness and negativity, we are inevitably human beings--the environment has an impact on us.

I love the following quote:

You must constantly ask yourself these questions: who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change. (Jim Rohn)

It is therefore important to have a consistent, stable, and positive environment that encourages us to learn and grow healthily. That’s the kind of social support that can really promote your physical and emotional health.

If a person always leaves you with mixed feelings, uncertainty and an unsettled mind, you don’t need to place your energy there. (Reyna Biddy) 

Do not bring people in your life who weigh you down. And trust your instincts... good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don't hurt. They're not painful. That's not just with somebody you want to marry, but it's with the friends that you choose. It's with the people you surround yourselves with. (Michelle Obama)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I associate myself with kind people who encourage and support me to become who I am meant to be.  

Be Patient! 

路遙知馬力，日久見人心 

“A long journey proves the strength of a horse, so it takes a long passage of time to know a man’s heart.”

I love this Chinese proverb. Most often, it is only time, rather than your first impression, that will tell you who a person is! It is time that reveals a person’s heart—whether or not you share similar core virtues and whether or not you could keep that person for a lifetime.

You may have had acquaintances, friends, or mentors whom you once thought were kind people, but as time passed, you learned their true personality, and you realized that their ways of being and acting are not compatible with your own. At first, it might come as a shock. But this proverb teaches us that it is not that shocking if you learn that it takes time, often a very long time, before you could discover someone’s personality. Most people engage in impression management, especially in new social interactions! 

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. (Oprah Winfrey)

That’s not to say you should avoid people with negative traits altogether. No one is perfect! We are all imperfect! There are many places, occupations, organizations, and ways that would allow you to reach out and hopefully influence people in a positive way. I encourage you to give, to help, to encourage, to accept, and to praise other people, whether you are at home, at school, at work, or at other types of social gatherings. But similarly, you deserve to be cared for too!

What I am trying to emphasize is that the people whom you spend much time with reflect who you are and certainly can influence who you will become. You need a foundation that helps you grow and thrive, supports you to become who you are, and influences you in a positive, healthy way, before you could be healthy and strong enough to be a positive influence yourself.

If you have discovered that certain individuals do not share your values or virtues, gently let go of them. You have a limited amount of time and energy. Spend this limited time and energy with people who give you acceptance, kindness, and encouragement. This will help you thrive, and in turn will help other people thrive too!

I’m very picky with whom I give my energy to. I prefer to reserve my time, intensity and spirit exclusively to those who reflect sincerity. (Dau Voire)

Sociology

近朱者赤，近墨者黑

A proverb that reflects the core of sociology. It literally means that “proximity to cinnabar makes you red, and proximity to ink makes you black.” That is, the environment that you choose to be in has great influences on you.

Love yourself enough to create an environment in your life that is conducive to the nourishment of your personal growth. Cultivate a vibrant surrounding and commit yourself to making choices that will help you release the greatest expression of your unique beauty and purpose. (Steve Maraboli)

Choose your core social groups carefully. Let time reveal the truth, and let your heart and mind select people whom you can associate with and keep for a lifetime. Be patient! Time is your amazing friend.

Be Friends with Those who Share Your Values

志不同，道不合, 不相為謀, or 道不同不相為謀，志不同不相為友。(Analects of Confucius) 

"Birds of different feathers do not flock together." or 

"People with different values can hardly work together or become friends."  

Of course this is up to you. You can be friends with those who have completely opposite or different moral ethics and thoughts from yours, to expand your worldview or to have a really good debate! I personally still find that it’s healthy to have at least one or two persons in your life, who show genuine kindness and understanding, who share similar integrity, and who love and support you.

I am a much bigger fan of “Birds of a feather flock together” than “Opposites attract!”  

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness. (Euripides) 

Extremely Intelligent People

A very recent, interesting study indicated that extremely intelligent people feel happier with less social interactions with friends (Li & Kanazawa, 2016). One of the reasons could be due to focussing on their bigger goals, such as fighting for human rights, writing a novel, or creating a new thing, and therefore not desiring social interactions as often! Intelligent individuals do not have much difficulty not socializing with their friends regularly. Indeed, extremely intelligent people feel more satisfied with their life when they have lower frequency of social interactions with friends!  

Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of. (Author Unknown)

It is healthy for everyone to have a few friendships, provided that they are quality friendships! You are free to continue to expand your social circle too! There may be many kindred spirits that we have not yet met, many interesting conversations that we have not had, or many fun activities that we have not participated in! Knowing how to find a balance, between social interactions and achieving big goals, is important. It does not have to be an either-or situation.

It is equally important to enjoy time in solitude—to love and accept yourself when you are alone, to focus your energy and time on your goals and hobbies, and to be alone without feeling lonely! 

Give and Receive

In all types of relationships, give and receive! Don’t just be a receiver, and don’t just be a giver! Healthy relationships involve both giving and receiving. In this season of giving, it is a good reminder that people of all ages, including little children, enjoy giving presents to their family and friends! When you receive a present, be thankful! Presents can include objects, writing, time, attention, love, and care…

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you’ll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. (Rick Warren)

The most precious presents of all are time, company, and sincere help and understanding during the most difficult times of life. People who genuinely help know what you need and give what you need. They do not count how much they have given, do not use their help as an instrument of control or threat, do not ever brag about their kindness, and are consistent. Oftentimes, they don’t even remember their kind acts!

Remember, anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you. (Author Unknown)

Arguments

Arguments in friendships are inevitable. In the midst of arguments, remain gracious. Relationships need not vanish when there are disagreements. Friends can’t always have the exact same opinions or values over every single issue, so conflicts or disagreements are inevitable. Indeed, in conflicts, we learn more about each other’s temperaments and perspectives, leading to greater understanding, and deepening the relationship. I believe that being able to resolve conflicts strengthens friendships, rather than weakening them. Only strong friendships would go through conflicts and overcome conflicts. Acquaintanceships sometimes don’t even evolve to that level of intimacy. If there is love, arguments do not lead to less liking, but more understanding and a closer bond. 

Having the opportunities to give and receive, to laugh at funny jokes together, to provide and receive encouragement and understanding… the reciprocity of healthy, genuine interactions is life-enriching.

Energy is contagious, positive and negative alike. I will forever be mindful of what and who I am allowing into my space. (Alex Elle)

I think we deserve people who really, really love us. (Alicia Keys)

Yes, I think you really, really deserve to have people who love you! Choose wisely.

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I cultivate healthy, loving relationships in my life. 

Hold onto Positivity and Let Go of Negativity

In this season of love, no matter where you are at in your life, I encourage you to focus on the people who sincerely love you, and whom you sincerely love. Recall and create positive memories: allow them to live in your heart, so that when you encounter people who behave bitterly towards you, you won’t become bitter yourself. Instead, you allow those loving moments to be you, and to shine through you. Set your minds and your hearts on people who love you dearly.

Your life is in your own hands: you can choose to focus on genuine, loving, kind, and thoughtful people who keep you warm. When you are able to carry those loving and kind moments or people with you, you will then have more energy to spread kindness within you and around you.

Poor experiences can make your good experiences even sweeter. Negative encounters with incompatible people can make positive encounters with compatible people even more valuable. 

The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes. (C. JoyBell C.)

The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all. (Excerpt from Mulan, Disney)

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. (Excerpt from Winnie the Pooh, Disney)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I choose love over bitterness, and express gratitude to those who genuinely love and care for me.   

References

Demir, M., Orthel, H., & Andelin, A. K. (2013). Friendship and happiness. In I. Boniwell, S. David & A. C. Ayers (Eds.), The Oxford handbook of happiness (pp. 860–870). Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press.

Demir, M., Orthel-Clark, H., Ozdemir, M., & Ozdemir, S. B. (2015). Friendship and happiness among young adults. In M. Demir (Ed.), Friendship and happiness: Across the life-span and cultures (pp. 117-135). Dordrecht, the Netherlands: Springer.

Li, N. P.  & Kanazawa, S. (2016). Country roads, take me home… to my friends: How intelligence, population density, and friendship affect modern happiness. British Journal of Psychology, 107(4), 675-697. doi:10.1111/bjop.12181

Meet People with an Open Heart and an Open Mind

People have asked me how to meet friends. I think I would need to dedicate a few posts about this topic.

You’ve probably heard a lot of advice about how healthy it is for you to join groups of like-minded people. So you might have been encouraged to join groups focusing on the same hobby that you like, or the same career, or the same ethnic background, or the same religious beliefs…

But sometimes you may be disappointed with these groups, despite joining them with high expectations!

Finding a “kindred spirit” is sometimes easier in a group which shares common interests with you. But sometimes you may actually never find that “kindred spirit” in the place you expect. 

In any group, there are likely to be some people who are more compatible with you, and others who are less compatible. Occasionally, you might feel quite disappointed, when you try a new group experience, with high hopes, but yet end up not feeling included or accepted warmly.  

I encourage you to make an effort to meet others with an open heart and an open mind. Be careful not to make assumptions about the people you meet, just because of their membership, or lack of membership, in a particular group. If you have a favourite hobby of painting, but have no interest at all in playing basketball, you are probably more likely to meet a good new friend in a painting class! But sometimes, you might actually feel socially uncomfortable in a new painting class, but meet a wonderful new friend who loves basketball! Always have an open mind!  Be flexible!  

It is always encouraging and uplifting to meet someone in a group who shares similar experiences or values with you; it is disappointing to meet someone in a group who does not behave warmly.  

同桌吃飯，各自修行 。

This is a Chinese saying, which literally means “people who eat at the same dinner table may have different awareness, behaviours, and morality.”

I interpret this to mean that just because people are doing the same things, doesn’t mean that they share the same values or character traits.  Similarly, people who attend the same class to receive education, people who have the same degree, people who work in the same environment, or people who have the same religious beliefs, may have very different character or compatibility.  

Don’t let someone’s occupation, or some other external characteristic, such as race, ethnic background, or educational or income level, obscure your view of who that person is or change your behaviors towards them. Try to meet every person with an open mind and an open heart. It is often with time and numerous social interactions that you learn who a person is.  

路遙知馬力，日久見人心。

This literally means “A long journey reveals the strength of a horse, so it takes a long period of time to know a person’s heart.”

I love this Chinese proverb. Most often, it is only time, rather than your first impression, that will tell you who a person is! It is time that reveals a person’s heart—whether or not you share similar core values and whether or not you could keep that person for a lifetime.

It is, however, important, to observe problems in a person’s behaviour towards you, right from the beginning. If a person is treating you disrespectfully, or harshly, you do not need to wait patiently to see if the person ends up being a good friend. It is ok to quickly move away from relationships in which you are not being treated well.  

Time and patience are needed in situations when you are unsure about compatibility, or in situations where people may be slow or cautious about expanding their social circle.

Time is your amazing friend. 

Here are a Few Simple and Quick Suggestions:

1) Respect others’ boundaries and do not bombard others with questions, especially during the first social encounter.

2) If you would like to meet an honest person who opens up to you, be honest yourself first.

3) Express genuine positive regard for others’ good fortune, success, achievement, happiness, and beauty. Compliment them sincerely!

4) Be humble. Being too boastful is almost always associated with low self-esteem. If you have trouble remaining genuinely humble, then this could be an important issue to work on, possibly with the help of a therapist.   

5) Be kind: help and encourage others, with wisdom, respect, and love.

6) Be there for your friend, before he or she asks for it! 

7) Put yourself into the other person’s shoes—practice empathy! 

8) Strive hard to be non-judgmental.

9) Be generous.

10) Be sensitive! Be sensitive to others’ emotions, needs, stories, struggles, financial situation, etc. Think before you speak or act. Sensitivity is such a beautiful, wonderful trait. 

You give a little love and it all comes back to you. (Paul Williams)

I’m very picky with whom I give my energy to. I prefer to reserve my time, intensity and spirit exclusively to those who reflect sincerity. (Dau Voire)

Affirmation: I enrich my life when I meet every person with an open mind and an open heart, and I let time guide me.